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Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do
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Anonymous
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Forgive me, ladies, if this is excessively long. I am freaking out a little and haven't slept in two nights.
I am 30 years old. I just found out that I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I don't even know where to begin with my story. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I let this happen. I didn't want my life to take this turn, and now it has. I am extremely conflicted because, while I would really like to keep this baby, I just don't see how I could and still have it not completely ruin my life and my baby's life. The father is not in the picture, so let's just take him off the table as a possible source of anything, especially money. I am well-educated and I work full-time. I am currently finishing my Master's degree at a private university in DC (one of the big ones). I will be done in May. I make exactly $50,000/year which is about $3300/month post-deductions. I pay $1255/month in rent (Logan/Scott Circle area). I do not have a car. My expenses pretty much eat up my non-rent income (student loan payments, credit card payments, insurance, utilities, groceries, other bills). I do not live luxuriously at all, so it's hard to imagine where my money goes just by looking at me. Hell, I am still wearing jeans that are 4 years old. I look like a poor college student. I know how much it costs to raise a baby in DC. It's actually obscene how much it costs to live in DC. I was browsing the daycare forum here and couldn't even believe how expensive it is, let alone the waitlists involved. I have ZERO savings, and that includes retirement (I don't even have a retirement account). I don't make enough money to save a dime. So how on earth could I ever pay for a baby? In March, I will have been at my company for a year, so I'd qualify for a whopping 3 months of UNPAID maternity leave, which I cannot afford. That's $3,765 in rent alone. I would not consider living with anyone, so "co-aboding" is not really an option for me. Part of me thinks that with a Master's degree from a prestigious university that I'd seriously be making a lot more than $50,000 a year, but how do I talk to my boss about that? No way would she promote me if I was pregnant. She can't stand it when women in my office get pregnant. She complains about it all the time. We've had seven women get pregnant in two years. I know she really likes me, and she is always praising my work and telling me like she feels she's not challenging me enough, but if I asked her for, what, a $20,000 raise, she'd probably laugh me out of the room. And it's not like there are any available positions in my office anyway. She once mentioned to me, in passing, something about "creating" a position for me in my field, a position they could really use in this office, but I think she was blowing sunshine up my skirt. Besides, she would never hand me a $70-80K/year job if I was pregnant. NO. WAY. So this all seems like such a hopeless situation. I also have ZERO friends in DC. All of my friends live back home (Boston). No one could help me. I can't even drive anywhere. How on earth would I transport a baby to daycare even? Or to the doctor's office? I really don't know what to do, and I am very scared and confused. I feel so torn about what to do. I am pro-choice, and am considering that option if I can't find a realistic and pragmatic way to deal with this. I want to keep this baby so badly, but I know I just can't -- not making $50,000 a year in this overpriced city. Oh, and moving and getting a car is not an option. My credit actually couldn't be lower if I tried. I attempted to move last year and was rejected by three apartment buildings, two in DC and one in MD. I spent $130 on applications only to be rejected each time, so I gave up, which is why I've been in this studio apartment for four years. I'd basically have to move to some ghetto neighborhood and live in a crappy apartment with bedbugs and live above a crack den. And then what happens if I can't find daycare in time? And what about money? There is seriously nothing GOOD or RIGHT about this situation, and I feel like a total failure. I cried so hard when I found out I was pregnant, and now I just feel lost and destitute. What's worse is, I'm 30, and I feel like a 16-year-old writing this. At 30 you should be able to do this, right?! I don't know what to do. I'm very depressed and feel very alone and hopeless. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or if I'm just ranting. This is an awful situation and I'm at the worst crossroads I've ever faced in my life. 
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Anonymous
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At 30 you should be able to do this, right?
No! If that were the case, so many women I know would have become single moms. It's tough without enough money and support. What are you willing to change in order to have the baby? Do you parents live in a place where you could find work? |
Anonymous
Not really. By the time most people are 30, they are (hopefully) a little more settled. Perhaps there's a mate in the picture, or a steady job. The fact that you are a student makes you more vulnerable like a 16 YO then you might think. Honey, I am politically pro choice but personally pro life. I had an unplanned pregnancy at 36 and had the baby (with a bad husband who is now gone). But I have enough money to get by. Regardless of my personal feelings about abortion, I want my daughters to grow up in a country where abortion is legal so that if they are ever faced with a situation like yours, they don't have to ruin their lives. A child now could derail your whole future. My advice to you would be don't keep the baby. If you can bring yourself to put her up for adoption that's great. Find a nice couple that would love your baby. I personally couldn't live with an abortion on my conscience but if that is a realistic option for you, I don't blame you at all for considering it. |
Anonymous
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OP, yes, you're freaking out and you are terrified, and it seems like you are going in circles in your mind and it is totally understandable - it is a big decision that you are facing.
Financially, it is tough, but it is actually not hte toughest part of raising a child on your own, especially while it is small baby: they are demanding for your time and every ounce of your strength. Instead of counting your salary and daycare costs, why don't you focus on wether you want this baby right now or you would rather wait to meet the right man with whom you would like to start a family and have a baby with him. Having a baby on your own is tough, but is not impossible and bleak as you are seeing it now. Do you have friends? Do you have family somewhere? Would your family consider moving here for a few months initially? Would you consider moving closer to them? I know it's easier said than done, but try to take a deep breath, relax, and simplify your decisions: do you want this baby or not? |
Anonymous
| OP- I was in your position 4 yrs ago for the most part. I think you first need some time to digest that you are pregnant and how you feel about having a child now. I know it is hard to separate your circumstances from whether or not you want to keep the baby. But imagine if you had the means to keep the baby, would you want to? Would you be willing to make big changes to your life to keep the baby? Do you have any family and would they be willing to help you? I have a great mom who has been 100% supportive of me and my child from the beginning. If she hadn't been there for me (or someone else in my family), I don't think I could've done this. As for the father, he is financially responsible for your child whether he wants to or not. Could you move back home and find a job there? That is what I did after a few yrs of living w/ my DD in VA. It was just too $$$ and I made less than you did. I could've continued living there but I would've never saved a dime. I have no problem living at home but you might (if it is a possibility). Where there is a will, there is a way. If you really do decide to keep the baby, you can make it work but you may need to change what you want. You may need to share a place w/ someone else (coabode.com) or find a cheaper at home daycare for the baby. Give yourself a bit more time to think about whether you want to be a parent at all and whether you want to do it now. I've always wanted kids so the decision wasn't hard for me. I just had to give up the "dream" of having kids with a supportive husband. Being a single mom is doable but not easy (being a married parent probably isn't easy either). Hang in there and think about what you want. If you want to raise your child alone, it is possible. |
Anonymous
| Asking for advice on this topic in this forum is going to be a bit hazardous to your health, but, fwiw, I totally feel for you. Being alone and on your own is scary for what you are facing. That said, you need to look within yourself as to whether you really want the child. There are ways to make it work. You'll be finished with your Master's before your even really showing, probably. You can try to go back to Boston - don't know your field, but you could try to interview up there. How would your family or friends feel about you coming home to roost while you got your legs back under you? You will need a network of friends or family to make it work. Otherwise, I would ask you to consider adoption, as there are plenty of would-be parents who would love to adopt a baby child from someone who is obviously intelligent (your writing shows that) and educated. You might even find parents who are willing to allow you to keep in touch with the child. Although I am pro-choice - you really need to be able to know that you won't regret that decision. |
Anonymous
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Geez really?
At 30??? When exactly did you plan to grow and be an adult? You act like you can barely take care of yourself. Get it together for goodness sakes. Its not that hard really. No, you can't keep living in your current location you are going to have to move to the less exciting and boring, family oriented burbs but $50K in the burbs and you will be fine. I did for a couple years. You don't need a high cost nanny or over priced private school. Poor credit score - find another way to finance a car. I choose to become a single mother at 31 and I can't imainge freaking out over it. |
Anonymous
| PP-You need to back off. You're sounding like a freak show. |
Anonymous
| I thought legally, you would be entitled to child support from the father. It is time the other half of the baby equation had some responsibility, and not let women bear all the financial burdon. It's sad that that's what is expected. |
Anonymous
| Yes, the father is financially responsible and if the OP decides to have the baby, she should pursue child support ASAP. But sometimes the father disappears and it can take time to find him, get a court order for support, attach his wages, etc. |
Anonymous
| 20:51 - Way to be supportive. Seriously - you must not have an empathetic bone in your body. You are the epitome of if you can't say something constructive -- DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL... |
Anonymous
You said it there, 20:51--for you it was a choice. |
Anonymous
I can't imagine who wouldn't want to have a child with you 
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Anonymous
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OP, if you really want to have this baby, you can, but as you know it will be very hard. If you really can't count on any kind of support from the father of the child, then you probably have to find someone to live with, like a co-abode situation. It doesn't have to be forever, maybe just for a year or two. Once kids get older the cost of childcare drops a bit, and once they are in full time school of course it drops even further.
I know you say that you don't like to live with other people, and I can empathize with you, but looking at your situation, you just don't make enough money to pay for decent child care and also a decent apartment, on your own, at least not IMO. If you could find someone stable to live with, I think it would make everything else seem much more doable. As for not having a car, lots of people don't have one. They take the baby on the bus to the Dr's, and yes, it is a pain. How much are your student loan payments each month? You can sometimes get a deferment on them due to economic hardship; I wonder if your situation would qualify? http://www.salliemae.com/after_graduation/manage_your_loans/postpone/deferment.htm Do you have any family? Would they be supportive at all, if you decided to keep the baby? Could you possibly ask them for some money to pay the rent while you are on maternity leave? Or maybe there might be someone in your life who would be willing to co-sign a lease for you, so you could move somewhere cheaper and with better transportation options? Could you talk with your boss about a raise now, before you are showing? It's none of her business if you are pregnant or not. And of course you will keep working after you have the baby; you will have to. Even a $5,000 raise would help you get some wiggle room in your budget. Take a really really good look at your budget right now and get a handle on where your money is going. Keep in mind with a dependent, you will pay less in taxes, and of course there is a $3,000 credit for child care costs each year available from the federal government. |
Anonymous
| If you decide to keep the baby, as others have said, ask your boss for a raise now. Tell her how much value you add to the company in specific terms. And don't forget to mention that you will have your masters degree soon. Don't know what you will get your degree in but you might also look into government jobs, particularly those with positions for recent masters grads. Your experience might also let you come in at a higher level. You might also want to think about looking for jobs nearer to your family. Right now seems like a good time to start looking since you are near graduation and before you start showing. You will make the right decision for you whatever you decide. GL! |