Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He also refuses to discuss any of this in email. He keeps saying he wants to stop by and talk to me in person. I haven't responded to this request because now I AM scared. He doesn't come across as a violent or even aggressive person, but everyone has their limit. If he feels that his livelihood and family are being threatened, he might resort to anything. I know he's not saying anything in email because he doesn't want it traced back to him, which is so completely STUPID when you think about it. I mean, everything he's doing to "protect" himself is pointless. All it would take is some DNA matching. He's making all of these calculated efforts to conceal things in a way that could be traced back to him, when in reality there's only ONE certain way to officially relate the child to him, and it has NOTHING to do with his name on a questionnaire or an email.

What is he thinking? He's a smart guy, too. A lawyer! It's not like it'd be hard to find him. This is not to say I would try to "find him" for anything, though. I am just a little worried about him trying to interfere with my decisions. I think he's also worried that I'm like a ticking time-bomb. Every time he emails or texts me, he tells me how this is making him lose sleep, or how he's worried about how this will affect him. In a way, I kind of wish he would just drop off the face of the Earth at this point.

The way I see it, I don't really think we have much to talk about. If he's not willing to help, what's he trying to do? I think he's trying to monitor the situation to ensure his own protection, to make sure I'm not considering going after him. He's not keeping an eye on me for MY benefit or because he's somehow concerned about me. He's watching out for himself. He throws in the obligatory "how are you feeling" every time, but it never seems sincere. He just repeatedly tells me how HE'S feeling, and how this is affecting HIM, and how HE needs to speak with me, when I don't really want to.

Lawyer here, just for some perspective. He's handling it just how I would. First, NO email. Totally right of him, and something that good lawyers bang into their clients over and over again. NO email, about anything sensitive, EVER. Obviously he cannot drive the risk down to zero just by not emailing, as you point out, but it is a no-brainer from his perspective. It's funny, I'd handle the questionnaire exactly the same, too. I'd fill it out to keep you appeased as much as possible, but only in handwritten form and I'd never email it either. All this is totally standard lawyerly CYA technique, and you shouldn't read too much into it.

You sound quite correct when you say that all he cares about is protecting himself. It is true, don't forget it. But that gives you some leverage. You know he is trying to avoid having any of this come out, so you are in a position to ask for things, and if the asks are practical, I suspect he'll do just about anything he can to keep you stable and quiet. I'd recommend, long-term, that you let him know that you are not inclined to blow up his world, but that you need some financial assistance and he needs to help. Just by reading your email, I'd guess he'll play ball. Does he work at a big firm? Seniority? If he's at all successful, he is someone who can discreetly kick you 10-20k a year easily. My advice would be to ask for enough to make a difference for you, but not enough that it will be hard for him to discreetly come up with or is so much that he'd rather blow up his life than pay the money. You might want to consult with a lawyer familiar with off-the-record child support arrangements -- I'm sure there are people who have experience negotiating discreet agreements of this sort.

As for meeting, you know him best. I'd say that it is quite unlikely that he would turn violent based on what you said -- pathological risk aversion to emails suggests he's not likely to do something drastic for fear of being unable to cover it up -- but unlikely is not impossible, and the consequences are high if you guess wrong. If you do meet, I'd recommend keeping it strictly businesslike, reassure him that you are not looking for him to leave his wife for you (unless you are) or to cause him unnecessary troubles, but that you need him to provide certain kinds of support, information and financial.

Not to presume what is best for you, this is just how I'd play it and how I'd advise a friend to proceed. Hope it helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's the question. An extra $20K at this point would make a world of difference, and I could keep him out of my life entirely.

10:33 again -- one other point. For a one-time payment, if he is reasonably successful, $20k is on the low side. My guess is you can do better if you are willing to let him pay over time. You might want to check and see what you would be entitled to if you went the formal paternity suit route -- after all, you are not trying to blackmail him, you are trying to allow him to resolve his obligations short of litigation, and the amount you could expect to receive in court is important information in calibrating what you should accept from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Lawyer here, just for some perspective. He's handling it just how I would. First, NO email. Totally right of him, and something that good lawyers bang into their clients over and over again. NO email, about anything sensitive, EVER. Obviously he cannot drive the risk down to zero just by not emailing, as you point out, but it is a no-brainer from his perspective. It's funny, I'd handle the questionnaire exactly the same, too. I'd fill it out to keep you appeased as much as possible, but only in handwritten form and I'd never email it either. All this is totally standard lawyerly CYA technique, and you shouldn't read too much into it.

You sound quite correct when you say that all he cares about is protecting himself. It is true, don't forget it. But that gives you some leverage. You know he is trying to avoid having any of this come out, so you are in a position to ask for things, and if the asks are practical, I suspect he'll do just about anything he can to keep you stable and quiet. I'd recommend, long-term, that you let him know that you are not inclined to blow up his world, but that you need some financial assistance and he needs to help. Just by reading your email, I'd guess he'll play ball. Does he work at a big firm? Seniority? If he's at all successful, he is someone who can discreetly kick you 10-20k a year easily. My advice would be to ask for enough to make a difference for you, but not enough that it will be hard for him to discreetly come up with or is so much that he'd rather blow up his life than pay the money. You might want to consult with a lawyer familiar with off-the-record child support arrangements -- I'm sure there are people who have experience negotiating discreet agreements of this sort.

As for meeting, you know him best. I'd say that it is quite unlikely that he would turn violent based on what you said -- pathological risk aversion to emails suggests he's not likely to do something drastic for fear of being unable to cover it up -- but unlikely is not impossible, and the consequences are high if you guess wrong. If you do meet, I'd recommend keeping it strictly businesslike, reassure him that you are not looking for him to leave his wife for you (unless you are) or to cause him unnecessary troubles, but that you need him to provide certain kinds of support, information and financial.

Not to presume what is best for you, this is just how I'd play it and how I'd advise a friend to proceed. Hope it helps.

EXCELLENT advice.

[Anonymous]

Great advice from the lawyer save for one thing about which I have questions: You might want to consult with a lawyer familiar with off-the-record child support arrangements -- I'm sure there are people who have experience negotiating discreet agreements of this sort.

If there are such people, I wonder if he'd would go along. If he's not going to email etc. why would he enter into a written agreement? Also, please know that the family lawyers I've known are very gossip-prone and shared stories about cases -- facts not names -- with me all the time. That struck me as odd because a.) what if I recognized the names behind the facts and b.) what if they told people my story? Of course he would only know this if he himself had been divorced in D.C. I posted above that OP might be stunned by what he offers. OP is definitely in a good bargaining position. (OP you seem to sense that, you seem much more confident in your most recent post.) Good luck and keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice from the lawyer save for one thing about which I have questions: You might want to consult with a lawyer familiar with off-the-record child support arrangements -- I'm sure there are people who have experience negotiating discreet agreements of this sort.

If there are such people, I wonder if he'd would go along. If he's not going to email etc. why would he enter into a written agreement? Also, please know that the family lawyers I've known are very gossip-prone and shared stories about cases -- facts not names -- with me all the time. That struck me as odd because a.) what if I recognized the names behind the facts and b.) what if they told people my story? Of course he would only know this if he himself had been divorced in D.C. I posted above that OP might be stunned by what he offers. OP is definitely in a good bargaining position. (OP you seem to sense that, you seem much more confident in your most recent post.) Good luck and keep us posted.

This is a legitimate point, but I still think OP is better off with real legal advice than not.

[Anonymous]

Definitely!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice from the lawyer save for one thing about which I have questions: You might want to consult with a lawyer familiar with off-the-record child support arrangements -- I'm sure there are people who have experience negotiating discreet agreements of this sort.

If there are such people, I wonder if he'd would go along. If he's not going to email etc. why would he enter into a written agreement? Also, please know that the family lawyers I've known are very gossip-prone and shared stories about cases -- facts not names -- with me all the time. That struck me as odd because a.) what if I recognized the names behind the facts and b.) what if they told people my story? Of course he would only know this if he himself had been divorced in D.C. I posted above that OP might be stunned by what he offers. OP is definitely in a good bargaining position. (OP you seem to sense that, you seem much more confident in your most recent post.) Good luck and keep us posted.

Father doesn't have to enter into a written agreement to provide child support off the record. Or, written agreement can include non-disclosure clause. He doesn't even have to negotiate in person; he can send his attorney and then everything on both sides is covered by attorney-client privilege. If he agrees to lump sum or annual/monthly settlement, it becomes in mom's interest not to reveal either. This leaves the parties on both sides exposed in some ways (changed circs, wishes of child, etc.), but all in all may be a preferable roll of the dice for either/both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Father doesn't have to enter into a written agreement to provide child support off the record. Or, written agreement can include non-disclosure clause. He doesn't even have to negotiate in person; he can send his attorney and then everything on both sides is covered by attorney-client privilege. If he agrees to lump sum or annual/monthly settlement, it becomes in mom's interest not to reveal either. This leaves the parties on both sides exposed in some ways (changed circs, wishes of child, etc.), but all in all may be a preferable roll of the dice for either/both parties.

10:33 here. I agree with this assessment; I would absolutely agree in writing to pay some amount of money per year and take my chances that it would be enough to buy OP's silence. Not ideal, but a heck of a lot better than any other practical alternative.

[Anonymous]

Since there seem to be lawyers in our midst: How should OP handle possible death or incapacitating illness of the dad, especially if it's a verbal agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since there seem to be lawyers in our midst: How should OP handle possible death or incapacitating illness of the dad, especially if it's a verbal agreement?

Wouldn't OP's have standing to contest the will in court, to try to get a portion of estate, life insurance, etc?

Maybe Op can take out a life insurance on the dad, with his consent. And she calculates this cost into what she asks for in child support.

[Anonymous]

15:43 Yes but do you know how much money and how long these things take? Plan ahead is my motto! Can you take life insurance out on other people? I am not following that suggestion. Wouldn't any life insurance payout go to all his survivors? And what about his being incapacitated. The payments could stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:43 Yes but do you know how much money and how long these things take? Plan ahead is my motto! Can you take life insurance out on other people? I am not following that suggestion. Wouldn't any life insurance payout go to all his survivors? And what about his being incapacitated. The payments could stop.

My understanding is you can have a life insurance policy on anyone as long as that person consents to it. It is not unusual to have a life insurance policy on the father of your child. The owner of the policy pays the bill and names the beneficiary. All he has to do is consent to allow her to have a policy on him (he signs it).

[Anonymous]

Breathe ! Just know you will not fall to the ground a disappear. If you want to have your baby than do ! You can do it. From what I read about you
you have a lot more going for your self than you realize. Just keep going! BEST OF LUCK TO YOU AND GOD BLESS !

[Anonymous]

Either way I doubt we'll hear back. She's not going to want to share a termination story and if she moves forward with the pregnancy she's got to consider legalities like sharing information about the father in a forum like this. I hope you're doing well, OP.

[Anonymous]

Dear Terrified,

I'm expecting my first child in May, and I'm in a very similar situation to you. I was so terrified in the beginning that I lived in denial of my pregnancy until about 3 months, never getting the nerve to take the test. At times my situation seems desperate, but I've been amazed at how much I love this little guy already. I would do anything for him. What was important to me a few months ago seems faded, and I'm finding new strength and a new openness.

I'm certainly not advising you on what you should do, just discovering there are lots of magical moments admist the immense challenges. (I say this, and he's not even here yet!

In the past few weeks, I've reached out to more people, found listservs, said 'hi' to more strangers, more accepting of life as it comes, and I've become a better person for it. (Still have lots of work to do!) Sometimes I feel so desperate, but sometimes I think of seeing his ten little toes and little feet on the ultrasound for the first time, hearing his heart for the first time...and I'm the happiest person on the planet. Makes the toughness worth it for me. For me I've been floundering in a field, frustrated at work...now I feel more courage to try new things, embrace some of the passions I do have, straighten out my finances, and get organized.

Can you talk to some of the other new moms in your office? Have a heart to heart with your boss about finding some creative solutions? Single mom groups (meetup, community-based) might help you find solutions as well as finding some support.

Best wishes!