Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do

[Anonymous]

OP, if you really want to do this, you can. It won't be easy. Nothing is easy, though, so don't not do it because it's not easy. (did that make sense?)

FWIW, I've both had a child and aborted, and I don't regret either decision, but I was really clear they were the right ones.

Put the childfree book down. They're haters. Nothing wrong with not having kids, but it's not helping you if you want the baby.

I married at 26, had a baby at 28, and divorced at 30. Surprise, I was a single mom.

You may need to reconsider some stuff:

Uprooting yourelf to a cheaper location.

Really taking friends who say they will help at their word, and finding out just how much help you have.

Living with someone else. Remember: nothing is permanent.

Accepting help from the pro-lifers who offer stuff life maternity clothes and baby items.

Re: someone posting that your boss may feel "burned," sounds like this isn't a winable situation anyway with her attitude towards pregnant women, so I'd go ahead and ask for the raise. If she says no, she says no.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Also, I'm sorry, but relinquishing a child for adoption can be emotionally devastating. If it's an option for you, more power to you, but if it isn't, do not force yourself to do it.

[Anonymous]

Gosh when does asking for child support without using lawyers amount to blackmail. Can the father contribute something?

[Anonymous]

It is relatively easy to file for child support in DC without a lawyer. There is even a free self-help family law clinic located in the courthouse and the people there (lawyers and paralegals) can help you figure out where to file paperwork. It is a simple formula. He has to pay. His paycheck can be garnished. I don't understand why you care about protecting him, especially since he wasn't upfront with you re: being married when you decided to date/have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you, I'm trying to buck you up and help you find ways to make this work. But if I had been in your position, at age 30, at 6 weeks pregnant, I probably would have ended the pregnancy. There are so many reasons why this isn't the right thing for you right now. Having a baby right now won't ruin your life, but it WILL change it forever -- your life will never be the same, and it will affect future possibilities of meeting someone and getting married, maybe having a few kids whn you are more settled, in even just a few years.

I know two friends who ended a pregnancies in their late 20s/early 30s, who then went on to get married and had a family, and they don't seem devastated or distraught by their decision. I do know that they regret that it happened, but they look at their children now and think, if they hadn't made the choice they did then, they woulnd't have the kids that they have now.

I was in this position and did have an abortion, and I am exactly as PP described above. Please consider all your choices carefully before throwing a thunderbolt into your life. If you're not ready to have a baby, you don't have to. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is relatively easy to file for child support in DC without a lawyer. There is even a free self-help family law clinic located in the courthouse and the people there (lawyers and paralegals) can help you figure out where to file paperwork. It is a simple formula. He has to pay. His paycheck can be garnished. I don't understand why you care about protecting him, especially since he wasn't upfront with you re: being married when you decided to date/have sex with him.

OP HERE.

I care about protecting his family, not necessarily him. I could care less about him. I'm not exactly fond of him right now. But I know firsthand what things like this can do to a family and I worry about that. I think it's only human to feel some kind of compassion for the innocent people who would get thrown into this mess ... namely, his children. If he was single, I wouldn't have a second thought about getting c/s from him. I hate that he lied to me for that long, but I don't think his kids should have to pay for his mistakes. Now their father, in their eyes, will forever be an unethical, dishonest man. I really hate the idea of doing that to innocent children. I hope you can all understand that.

[Anonymous]

Firstly, I have been really impressed by your posts - you are clearly intelligent and well able to assess this situation from many angles (perhaps too many). What I want you to do is post some *cans* because all I have from you is a lot of *can'ts*. Go on, just post some things that you could do, because there are options (I promise) and you are resouceful enough to start working on a positive plan. Perhaps you do truely want this baby and you are trying to be *negative* to neutralise your gut instinct, which is something I would subconciously do. I am very much pro choice btw. I think it is terrific that you nearly have your masters, kudos for that. I am a single mom with no child support. I was 33 when I had my son and I am 36 now. I would say my career was *medium* established at the time I had my son, so I had that advantage. My experience has been enlightening and has totally changed my outlook - not in a *I look into the eyes of my son* way at all, but in a *what I can actually do myself* way and a *how completely amazing women are* way. I found a job. They hired me as a single mom with a young baby (you don't need to advertise the fact). Don't worry about car, pension etc. Focus on a room, food, job and FT daycare. Four things. If you can engineer that in whatever way possible, you are 80% the way there. It is like fitting a 4 piece puzzle together. Be prepared to struggle (sometimes) but there are good times too. After 2 years I am now considering making a claim for financial support . In hindsight I would do that from the start - but that isn't one of my key 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is relatively easy to file for child support in DC without a lawyer. There is even a free self-help family law clinic located in the courthouse and the people there (lawyers and paralegals) can help you figure out where to file paperwork. It is a simple formula. He has to pay. His paycheck can be garnished. I don't understand why you care about protecting him, especially since he wasn't upfront with you re: being married when you decided to date/have sex with him.

OP HERE.

I care about protecting his family, not necessarily him. I could care less about him. I'm not exactly fond of him right now. But I know firsthand what things like this can do to a family and I worry about that. I think it's only human to feel some kind of compassion for the innocent people who would get thrown into this mess ... namely, his children. If he was single, I wouldn't have a second thought about getting c/s from him. I hate that he lied to me for that long, but I don't think his kids should have to pay for his mistakes. Now their father, in their eyes, will forever be an unethical, dishonest man. I really hate the idea of doing that to innocent children. I hope you can all understand that.

Yes, we all get that. But if you have his baby, then your child is also one of his children who needs to be properly cared for. Your child is just as valuable and entitled to a good quality of life as his other kids are. If you choose to have it.

You are making a big leap from asking for support to destroying the image of their father his kids have.

And you are not making their father out to be an unethical, dishonest man. He IS an unethical dishonest man. Look, my DH was a liar and a cheat and that is why I am divorcing him. He told me when we were married to abort his child! But my kids will never be told by me what an ass he is. I am saying, it is possible for the father to accept responsibility for his mistake without destroying his kids. Maybe it's the wake up call this guy needs to get into counseling and save his marriage and family.

As someone who was married to a cheater I really respect that you don't want to hurt his family and that you didn't do this on purpose. There are many women who don't have the same scruples. But please don't let those scruples stop you from making the best choice for you and your child, if that'w your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP HERE.

I care about protecting his family, not necessarily him. I could care less about him. I'm not exactly fond of him right now. But I know firsthand what things like this can do to a family and I worry about that. I think it's only human to feel some kind of compassion for the innocent people who would get thrown into this mess ... namely, his children. If he was single, I wouldn't have a second thought about getting c/s from him. I hate that he lied to me for that long, but I don't think his kids should have to pay for his mistakes. Now their father, in their eyes, will forever be an unethical, dishonest man. I really hate the idea of doing that to innocent children. I hope you can all understand that.

That is noble and you are showing commendable restraint -- BUT you shouldn't condemn yourself to poverty because of it. Giving him the opportunity to discreetly provide for the child financially -- at least while the child is very small -- is something he should be down on his knees thanking you for, considering the alternatives. (I'm a faithful DH, but if I ever found myself in this situation, I'd be thrilled beyond words to have the option to quietly pay you some reasonable amount of money and not have my life ruined.)

He may be in a bit of shock and terrified, but if you remain reasonable and play your cards right, you should be able to get some financial support with a minimum of drama. But not if he thinks you aren't prepared to drop the bomb if forced to. I'd contact him with exactly this tone -- neither one of us wanted this, I don't want to ruin your life, but I need some help -- and give him a couple of months to get comfortable with the idea.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PPs who think he needs to pay up. He gambled and lost. I'm sorry for his wife and kids, but they would probably find out about your child some time in the future anyway.

[Anonymous]

He could also be lying that he's married with kids just to put you off his trail. Just a thought. Get a PI or do it yourself if you really want to know what's up. Either way he needs to support the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP HERE.

I care about protecting his family, not necessarily him. I could care less about him. I'm not exactly fond of him right now. But I know firsthand what things like this can do to a family and I worry about that. I think it's only human to feel some kind of compassion for the innocent people who would get thrown into this mess ... namely, his children. If he was single, I wouldn't have a second thought about getting c/s from him. I hate that he lied to me for that long, but I don't think his kids should have to pay for his mistakes. Now their father, in their eyes, will forever be an unethical, dishonest man. I really hate the idea of doing that to innocent children. I hope you can all understand that.

That is noble and you are showing commendable restraint -- BUT you shouldn't condemn yourself to poverty because of it. Giving him the opportunity to discreetly provide for the child financially -- at least while the child is very small -- is something he should be down on his knees thanking you for, considering the alternatives. (I'm a faithful DH, but if I ever found myself in this situation, I'd be thrilled beyond words to have the option to quietly pay you some reasonable amount of money and not have my life ruined.)

He may be in a bit of shock and terrified, but if you remain reasonable and play your cards right, you should be able to get some financial support with a minimum of drama. But not if he thinks you aren't prepared to drop the bomb if forced to. I'd contact him with exactly this tone -- neither one of us wanted this, I don't want to ruin your life, but I need some help -- and give him a couple of months to get comfortable with the idea.

Yes, this man is exactly right.

I have been on both sides of this. My dad married his pregnant mistress. My DH was a cheater. It's nice of you not to want to ruin lives. But if your child's birth or abortion depends on whether you can get money from this guy.... His kids will recover from the emotional damage. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To answer some questions about the father: it's an ugly situation filled with deception. I dated him for only about two months and everything was fine. Then I told him I was pregnant. His response was, "I'm married and have three young kids." Nice, huh? He told me I'd "blow his life apart" if I tried to come after him for child support. It's been extremely difficult even getting some basic family medical history from him. I've exchanged maybe three emails with him since I told him. His reaction, to say the least, was not enthusiastic. He told me, "This is going to cause me some sleepless nights." There's a nice selfless response for ya!

Anyway, part of me thinks he has a point and part of me wants him to pay the consequences. I most certainly don't want to ruin his wife's life or his kids' lives. He's a lawyer too, so I can only imagine the kind of battle I'd face in the courtroom against him.
.

Umm .... YOU haven't ruined his wife's life or his kids' lives -- he has. This is classic DARVO technique from an abuser (emotional, in your case). He is Denying, Attacking, Reversing Victim and Offender. He is reversing the situation and attacking you and trying to make you feel like you are perpetrating some kind of unfairness on him and his family and making them the victims.

He did something wrong (having an affair with you). Now he and his family have to pay the consequences. Unfortunate, but there it is. I've been there. You need to get a lawyer and file for child support. Knowing that he doesn't want his wife and kids to know might give you some leverage if the baby daddy is wealthy enough and in complete control of his finances to pay you child support w/o his wife knowing (doubtful in this day and age).

[Anonymous]

But you have to also consider that your child will have half-siblings. If you keep it on the DL, that doesn't seem fair to children, yours or those he has with his wife. And it sort of seems like your child is less than the other children if he doesn't formally acknowledge paternity accompanied by legally enforcable child support payments. He is the father and he is equally responsible.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you also need to think of the possibility that you will not have another pregnancy. If you terminate this one, will you regret not having had a child? I think that you may have to really downscale but it is workable if you want to have the child. Only you can make that decision. It might be worth talking to a counselor, maybe someone at Planned Parenthood or something, just to talk through the options. If you do choose to have the child you can file for child support without a lawyer. Good luck with your decision OP. It's not an ideal situation but I know several folks in your situation who are amazing parents with incredible kids.