Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is practically a short story!
Here’s the ending: she wants you and your family out of her life so she makes unreasonable demands hoping you will get pissed off and leave. Your brother probably only contacts you when he’s unhappy. The rest of the time he is fine with her. It’s a war and you lost. I’m very sorry because it’s hurtful. But probably not going to change.

This is a good analysis. Take note op.

This is accurate.

I have a crazy meddling SIL and I completely ignore her.

[Anonymous]

OP there is a thing called the disowned part of yourself. Sometimes you marry someone who personifies that. Brother is living giving family oriented etc etc. the disowned part id that he feels smothered by the family. So he married someone who will break the tie for him. Your brother is participating in this even if unconsciously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stayed with them for two months wen they had a new baby!?!?!!?

You kind of sound like a smothering family, to be honest. Way too involved in each others business.

What? No! I was pregnant and stayed in the US. I did not see the baby until she was 6 months. My parents saw them, but not much

"I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months)."

[Anonymous]

OP, it must be frustrating your SIL is not really part of your family. Her controlling behavior may be due to anxiety or she really is abusive. Regardless, there isn't much you can do, except be available to your brother. Support him now and make peace with the fact you won't have much interaction with your niece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stayed with them for two months wen they had a new baby!?!?!!?

You kind of sound like a smothering family, to be honest. Way too involved in each others business.

What? No! I was pregnant and stayed in the US. I did not see the baby until she was 6 months. My parents saw them, but not much

"I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months)."

Ok, we were in the same country about an hour away from their house for about 6-7 weeks this past summer and would have loved to have attended the baptism. If she had wanted us there, she would have schedule it for a day in those 6-7 weeks. Instead she did it two weeks after we left and said that had not been able to plan it for before... totally fine and nobody got upset, but I noticed of course. Their baby was 6-7 months and my youngest was 5-6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it must be frustrating your SIL is not really part of your family. Her controlling behavior may be due to anxiety or she really is abusive. Regardless, there isn't much you can do, except be available to your brother. Support him now and make peace with the fact you won't have much interaction with your niece.

Thanks... that is what I am doing. It just sucks because our family is super small and we are very very close even if we live far away...

[Anonymous]

OP, she married your brother — not you, not your mom. I would go overboard if I had such smothering and judgmental in-laws too.

Despite coming here and asking for advice, you don’t seem capable of self-reflection. You just keep hand-wringing about how she doesn’t meet your and your mom’s vision of SIL. Get over it.

Don’t you have your own nuclear family and in-laws to worry about?

[Anonymous]

^^ overboard setting boundaries

[Anonymous]

So, op lives here and has all the peace she wants all the time from her own parents, but can't understand that a new mom wants some nuclear family time alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she married your brother — not you, not your mom. I would go overboard if I had such smothering and judgmental in-laws too.

Despite coming here and asking for advice, you don’t seem capable of self-reflection. You just keep hand-wringing about how she doesn’t meet your and your mom’s vision of SIL. Get over it.

Don’t you have your own nuclear family and in-laws to worry about?

Yes- OP doesn’t seem capable of self reflection which is a red flag to me - she is likely a big part of the problem.

Op You just seem to be looking for validation, not advice. That is fine, but it isn’t going to help you.

A lot of posters have offered good insight on how your SIL might be feeling, and good advice to you (butt out of your brothers marriage) but you don’t seem to want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear your anguish. I see why you are upset. Your SIL sounds possessive and dangerously controlling.

For this giving OP grief, imagine if the genders were reversed. Op’s Sister married a man who won’t let her take calls from her family. He won’t let her participate in family chats. He won’t let her family visit unless he is present. Obviously abisive and sick, right, oP’s SIL is abusive and sick. This is not normal boundaries. This is pathological insecurity and possessiveness.

OP, your brother can’t make this work. He needs to contact a lawyer and work on getting at least half custody of the kid. But he’s gotta figure that out himself. Keep loving him, keep being ther for him. She has isolated him and he needs you. But you can’t fix him...you can mirror back what he tells you in hopes it might give him clarity but you are not responsible for him and n Ed to try you let this go.

My brother was in a similarly abusive marriage with a paranoid, volatile woman. He became more and more isolated from all his friends. She threatened to leave him and take their kids back to her country any time he wanted to see friends or talked to us too much. It’s a longer story but he died by suicide and we hardly ever get to see the children, who are Terri boy emotionally abused by her. I hear in your voice the kind of increasing desperation I felt. Just make sure your brother knows he is not alone and always has you. Make sure he know he has options and doesn’t need to stay married. Make sure he knows that you love him even when she is awful to you. Good luck.

I completely agree that the responses on this thread would be entirely different if the genders were reversed and it was OP's sister being isolated from her family via a controlling husband. I have no idea from these posts whether SIL is truly abusive or just trying to set boundaries, but I agree the assumption of the latter wouldn't happen with a man.

Unfortunately OP there isn't much you can do besides be supportive of your brother and wait this out. Either he will establish boundaries, insist on being able to communicate with his own family without restrictions, and encourage his wife to attend marital counseling for their issues...or he will cave and you and your side of the family will be more isolated. But it's really up to your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

This is not accurate. Up until he told me that he would like to get back on the family chat, but can’t because when he tried to bring it up it was a 2-shit storm, I had only told him that the first year with a baby is hard. DH and I fought a lot more than we usually do etc. I never once told him that I think she is crazy, manipulative and possessive... this is what I think now (probably had a sense of this in the past too, but only firmly believe it for the past couple of months). I would never say these things to my brother and if I did, I am sure he would defend her... he is a very good person. I don’t want them to get divorced. All I am saying to him now is that he needs to think about himself too at this point, that I will always be there for him and that I hope he gets back on the family chat (because he wants to... I had never mentioned this chat until the did a month or two ago)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

+1000

Op you have choices here (1) stay out of it (2) try to tactfully tell brother how hard motherhood can be, and smooth things over with your mom- try to help a fellow woman and mom here OR (3) throw fuel on the fire

And you are choosing door number 3. Not only are you undermining your brothers marriage, this route is quite likely to backfire on you

Yep, instead op is doing the worst thing woman can do to another woman. Trash talking her, enforcing patriarchy. Women need to stick together and give each other the benefit of a doubt, but sadly it is not the case. Her SIL even told her, hey, ask about me, I exist, I am not a vessel only, op didn't get the message. How sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, op lives here and has all the peace she wants all the time from her own parents, but can't understand that a new mom wants some nuclear family time alone?

Banning a spouse from texting his family isn't about boundaries, it's about control. That's way over the top.