Sister in law from hell
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Anonymous
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Please help me with this situation and sorry for the long post
My brother is aN AMAZING super thoughtful person. He is smart, great job, loving, caring and just over all a wonderful person. It’s not just me saying this. He is just a wonderful person to anyone. About 6-7 years ago he meets his current wife. She seemed shy, but nice, good family girl from a small town (we are not American and while I live here, my brother does not). She loves to cook and my brother loved that. She is also a doctor, very proper and likes to dress up and look nice. Since the beginning there were some red flags, but nobody in my family gave too much importance to those. Examples include: 1) their relationship seemed a little too codependent. Literally since my brother met her I have not been able to be alone with him. 2) she did not seem to want to spend time with me or better spent a lot of time “sick” in her room during the only vacation we ever took together. 3) she is very closed minded and does not change her mind. 4) looking back I guess she is also a lot about appearances (takes pictures with her dogs for FB, but never wants to walk them, etc.). All of this was not a big deal until they got married and had a baby. Since then she became the most insecure person on the planet. She found excuses (ridiculous excuses) to exclude me from their lives. She got out of our family’s whatsup chat and my brother “had” to follow. Still today over a year later my brother can’t get back on our family chats because when he tried to bring it up she made a huge drama and did not sleep for 2 nights, etc... it is crazy. I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months). She also does not want my mom close and of course that breaks my mom’s heart. My brother seems to be somewhat done with her, but is still hoping she will change and become a normal person. I still can’t believe that my brother can’t spend time with his family in person or online... I tried to put my tale in between my legs many times for the sake of my brother and their baby, but nothing I do or say is ever right. If I ask about the daughter I am a bad person because I did not also ask about her, if I ask what her daughter is doing, I am bad because I am comparing her to my kids (I have 3). I have decided to just stay out of everything because I am not helping my brother’s situation I think, but it hurts to see him so sad. I tried putting myself in her shoes. She is very insecure and probably sees my mom and I as a threat. She is controlling and jealous of my brother and sees maliciousness everyhwere. Is there anything to do? I will be seeing them again over Christmas... though I am sure she will try to avoid us as much as she can which means that I will have to see my brother without her knowing about it.... I am very sad because my brother really is the best brother, friend, husband and son anyone could vere hope for and he is miserable |
Anonymous
| Paragraphs, please! |
Anonymous
| They need marriage counseling. |
Anonymous
| OP All this is your view of the relationship. Unless your brother is slipping you ransom notes-this "super amazing" man is married to a beautiful doctor with a new baby-a woman you see as vain and insecure. If I were this woman I would keep my distance from such a judgmental SIL. |
Anonymous
| Mind your own business and get a life. Your brother is now a grown man with his own family. |
Anonymous
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Op,
Let me get this straight—your brother and his wife don’t live in the same country as you. You ramble on in a stream of consciousness but what is your actual concern? What’s up/family chats are obnoxious and unnecessary. If they live in a different time zone, she wouldn’t want his phone going off in the middle of the night. You are looking for weird ways not to like her, eg she likes photographing her dogs but not like walking them. You are also reading into situations without actually knowing the facts like the timing of a christening. You seem weirdly mistrustful so yeah she may not trust you with a baby, or she’s a nervous first time mother. What are your fears for your brother other than you don’t like his wife. Doesn’t sound like he’s unhappy. |
Anonymous
Yup and sounds like your brother has seen the light too. |
Anonymous
| Assuming your brother is an adult, he needs to grow a spine. If he wants the marriage to work, it needs to be conditional on going to counseling. There is zero need to even tell his wife he is on family chats; since when does a spouse need the other spouse’s permission to talk to his family? To be honest, he sounds like he’s a doormat. |
Anonymous
I think op needs therapy. Lots of imagined maliciousness. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like she is an introvert and a nervous new mom. It is possible she dislikes your family? Sure. Is is possible she controls your brother? Sure. But I see no concrete proof of either at this point.
I assume your brother is telling you this things, complaining about his wife etc? You clearly must get some time alone with him (at least over the phone) if he is able to find time to tell you these things. Your brother is not a puppet- if he is not spending time with you that is his choice, ultimately. We see the same theme over and over again on this board. I would 1) be polite to SIL- you don’t need to be best friends 2) realize that new moms are sometimes this way with new babies- thing long term. She will probably eventually loosen up 3) beware talking to your brother too much about his marriage issues IMO- and if you do be careful what you say. Many marriages go through a stressful time after the birth of a first child. They will likely make up. And then your brother will remember the negative things you said and worse- may tell her as well. Basically- MYOB, be polite. SIL will either warm up and loosen up or she won’t- you have no control over this. Tread carefully with your brother- he may make changes in his marriage or the way he relates to your family, or he may not. There is absolutely zero you can do about any of this. |
Anonymous
| Ahahaha you are awful. Clingy and critical. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry to tell you that YOU sound like the SIL from hell.
Butt out OP. You are imagining issues that aren’t there. If there are marriage problems they are your brother’s to handle. The relationship with you and your family is also your brother’s to handle. Your SIL has done nothing wrong here- at all. |
Anonymous
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OP, maybe you don't like your brother being happy? Ask yourself to honestly answer that question - to yourself, of course.
I have a friend who married into a family where (my friend) married the youngest, who was traditionally picked on (more than most siblings) in his family. When the groom became an adult, started a business, and married, the family was looking to pick apart my friend - any excuse would do: prying about money, their sex life, you name it. They knew the groom would respond to any attention (remember, he was used to negative attention, and found it better than none at all). Meanwhile, the groom was doing all sorts of things ($$$) for these horrible people, and they just became more and more thankless. As a result of his upbringing and abuse, he was a people pleaser. But not for long. The wife stuck up for him, and then she really became the bad guy for once. It was beautiful. The end. OP, if you have a nice SIL who married in, why not make her feel welcome, before she finds your true colors? |
Anonymous
+1 Look at yourself, OP. |
Anonymous
| I have a family member like this. There’s nothing you can do, sadly. try to keep sucking it up for the sake of the relationships as long as you can and when you can’t any more then you’ll have to give up. Hopefully your bro will see the light. |