Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did she leave the family chat?

The missing explanations are usually telling.

Only explanations I got were:

1) she wanted to focus on her family
2) she did not want to see too many pictures/videos of my kids. She was also sharing many pictures (probably more than I) of her kids...

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

[Anonymous]

And where is your brother? In one of the countries where grandma thinks she is entitled to watch the baby every minute of the day? Look back to when you were a new mom, it can be overwhelming and we all go a bit crazy. The fact that you went so deep into calling her a sil from hell, when she might be an overwhelmed mom, who wants time with her dh and the baby is nuts. You are certainly not a sil from heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear your anguish. I see why you are upset. Your SIL sounds possessive and dangerously controlling.

For this giving OP grief, imagine if the genders were reversed. Op’s Sister married a man who won’t let her take calls from her family. He won’t let her participate in family chats. He won’t let her family visit unless he is present. Obviously abisive and sick, right, oP’s SIL is abusive and sick. This is not normal boundaries. This is pathological insecurity and possessiveness.

OP, your brother can’t make this work. He needs to contact a lawyer and work on getting at least half custody of the kid. But he’s gotta figure that out himself. Keep loving him, keep being ther for him. She has isolated him and he needs you. But you can’t fix him...you can mirror back what he tells you in hopes it might give him clarity but you are not responsible for him and n Ed to try you let this go.

My brother was in a similarly abusive marriage with a paranoid, volatile woman. He became more and more isolated from all his friends. She threatened to leave him and take their kids back to her country any time he wanted to see friends or talked to us too much. It’s a longer story but he died by suicide and we hardly ever get to see the children, who are Terri boy emotionally abused by her. I hear in your voice the kind of increasing desperation I felt. Just make sure your brother knows he is not alone and always has you. Make sure he know he has options and doesn’t need to stay married. Make sure he knows that you love him even when she is awful to you. Good luck.

I am sorry you had to experience such a horrific tragedy, but it seems like OP’s situation is different. He brother is hardly isolated - he works with his dad, his family visits him every 2 weeks, they vacation together. OPs family is judgmental and pushy, they destroy their son’s marriage. OP is upset that SIL avoids her, she is writes that she is upset that SIL does not leave her alone with her brother, and so on and so forth.

I am so so sorry about your brother. We are all afraid that if they divorce she will take away the baby from him and the house that used to be my grandparents house BTW. So the last thing we want is that they get divorced... I just wished my brother had not married HER. Maybe he should put limits like: “I will be on my family chat whether you like it or not” “ I will see my family with our daughter without you if for whatever you can’t be present” “ I want to talk to my mom and sister without hiding”, etc. I think he should do this or I am afraid he will explode and leave. Maybe we all just need to be patient and things will just calm down on their own.... I don’t know...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thread title is accurate, OP. You are the SIL from hell!

To put it succinctly: Get a life.

+1

Her poor SIL.

[Anonymous]

You stayed with them for two months wen they had a new baby!?!?!!?

You kind of sound like a smothering family, to be honest. Way too involved in each others business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You stayed with them for two months wen they had a new baby!?!?!!?

You kind of sound like a smothering family, to be honest. Way too involved in each others business.

What? No! I was pregnant and stayed in the US. I did not see the baby until she was 6 months. My parents saw them, but not much

[Anonymous]

OP this is practically a short story!
Here’s the ending: she wants you and your family out of her life so she makes unreasonable demands hoping you will get pissed off and leave. Your brother probably only contacts you when he’s unhappy. The rest of the time he is fine with her. It’s a war and you lost. I’m very sorry because it’s hurtful. But probably not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you plan an outing with just her, to maybe connect or establish some kind of common ground? Anything: nails, botanical gardens, craft shopping, food activity, clothes/shoes shopping, brunch? What does she like to do?

Are you kidding? Sil would never agree to an outing with op. Sil wants to be left alone. Sil does not like op’s family for her own reasons. They cannot change her behavior. Op.. you just need to let this relationship run its course. Eventually your brother will have had enough and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is practically a short story!
Here’s the ending: she wants you and your family out of her life so she makes unreasonable demands hoping you will get pissed off and leave. Your brother probably only contacts you when he’s unhappy. The rest of the time he is fine with her. It’s a war and you lost. I’m very sorry because it’s hurtful. But probably not going to change.

This is a good analysis. Take note op.

[Anonymous]

We have a family chat. And I have a huge family. I hate it. I stay on it because it’s the right thing to do. But I mute it often. There is nothing more annoying than constant texts about literally nothing. And I adore my family. Group chats are awful, OP.

Also, you sound very insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stayed with them for two months wen they had a new baby!?!?!!?

You kind of sound like a smothering family, to be honest. Way too involved in each others business.

What? No! I was pregnant and stayed in the US. I did not see the baby until she was 6 months. My parents saw them, but not much

Look, last thing we are is smothering honestly. My mom tried a little at the beginning, but SiL put the breaks really quickly and my mom respects that. I live in the Us and visit once or twice a year. In those periods we do try to see each other more than once, but unfortunately this last summer we were there (with all my kids) for 6 weeks and saw them 3 times. I can’t imagine that I am overbearing by seeing them 3-5 times a year total for a couple of hours (if that) max.
My mom sees them a little more regularly, but still very little. I understand that in this country grandparents are usually not very present, but both my brother and SIL were half raised by grandparents. My mom obviously does not have these expectations, but yes... she would like to be more present than she currently is, but is not allowed to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I am not buying what you are selling. Sure you could be right, but this is all just too much. It is like she knows you and your family are ganging up on her. If she disliked you, you probably did something in the beginning. There is a thing your brother is doing, and that is that he is gossiping his own wife to you. And she knows it and she is insecure because he badmouths her o his family. I'd be pissed too.

OP here. Everything I said it’s true. Why would I lie? Everything was fine (or I thought was fine) until the baby ended up at the hospital (in April) and she got upset at me and eventually left family chat (so did my brother). I then found out and put things together about past things. My brother eventually told me that pregnancy was horrible as well and that she did not want to be a mom, etc. We live so far away and di not see them that Christmas that I had no idea.
To me SIL was a normal person with a few issues she was working on (fear of flying, a bit of anxiety, etc.) like we all do. I have since completely changed my mind...

It is true from your and your brothers and mother's point of view. Your brother sounds immature to complain so much about his wife that recently had a baby. It sounds like she had enough of you. Rather than suggest to your brother that she has PPD you are all ganging up on her, and it sounds like your brother never put her first. And she had enough, this might be her way of trying to save the marriage, before she decides she had enough of a dh that badmouths her to his family(whom he works with!) and who know no boundaries. And rather than advice to your brother how hard motherhood is, you are fueling the fall apart of his marriage. You say this was not like this always, look past your own needs op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a family chat. And I have a huge family. I hate it. I stay on it because it’s the right thing to do. But I mute it often. There is nothing more annoying than constant texts about literally nothing. And I adore my family. Group chats are awful, OP.

Also, you sound very insecure.

It was 6 people on this chat: my parents, my brother, SIL, my husband and I. It was only pictures of kids. She had been on this chat for years and used to love seeing pictures of my kids (or so I thought). We do not discuss anything else... except maybe travel logistics or visiting that one or two times per year