Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Then your brother is an IDIOT.

He was married 5+ years before having a kid. If he was that miserable he should have split a long time ago.

Are you Asian by chance? They tend to have busybody mothers and put their sons on pedestals.

No, European... my mom can be a lot and we all know it, but she is being very careful not to invade SIL’s space. She always asks SIL if she can visit the baby and 9 out 10 is a no. My mom sees the baby maybe once every 2 weeks and they live nearby. My mom understood and she is completely out of their lives. She barely sees them.

If you think that your mother who visits the grandkid every two weeks is barely seeing them, I understand why your SIL thinks your family is ruining the marriage. Way to exaggerate and create drama.

And then OP wants to be left with the baby without the SIL (the new mom). Why? To pretend the SIL does not exist?

OP here. While I would love to bond with my niece, I have never asked for this... I still don’t understand why I can’t see her unless the mom is present as well, but I don’t argue with SIL about it... I never argue with her... I may not be very warm with her as I used to be, but I am not cold, mean, or argumentative. I simply don’t start conversations with her anynore

How do you know you can't if you have not asked? You contradict yourself. Also, I'd be very uncomfortable if I was asked to leave for my SIL to play with my baby. Believe me, if you don't stop meddling and trying to make her fit into your mold, you won't be seeing your niece at all. Let go, let her be, stop making it about ”us” vs ”her”. She wants to enjoy her new nuclear family, instead, she gets a call of new judgmental relatives with their expectations about her marriage. Do you want your brother to divorce? It looks like you are doing everything for this to happen.

Apart from the fact that I have 3 kids and I would be totally capable of taking care of my niece for a bit, I don’t ask because I know she would be very uncomfortable since I cannot see her unless she is also present. This is NOT normal come on! I cannot see my brother and his daughter... SIL leaves my brother with they daughter all the time since she works part time, but I cannot see the baby (10 months) unless she is also present. I don’t ask if I can be alone with niece because it would obviously be a no. BTW, my brother and his wife baby sat my kids many times... so I would not find it strange that they left me alone with their daughter at all

Let me rephrase in case I wasn’t clear. I cannot see my niece if she is alone with the nanny or with my brother. SIL has to be present. How can this be normal?!?! I understand if she thought I would harm the child, but this is the only situation in which I would understand such behavior! My parents have seen my brother and granddaughter without SIL without her knowing...

Maybe she doesnt want you to bad mouth her in front of her kids when she isnt present. Like what you are doing now without her present. and im sure you did the same thing when talking to your brother without her present. You are the definition of sabotaging and manipulation drama queen like my SIL!

[Anonymous]

There is really nothing you can do other than be there for your brother when he decides he can't take it anymore and leaves her. Tell your family this as well. Painful but he is a grown man now and has to figure this out himself. If he does leave, your family will get more access assuming he has shared custody.

My sister is in what I consider an emotionally abusive marriage but I keep my mouth shut. I hate it but what can I do? I just support her and hope she knows I am thete if she needs me. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this situation and sorry for the long post
My brother is aN AMAZING super thoughtful person. He is smart, great job, loving, caring and just over all a wonderful person. It’s not just me saying this. He is just a wonderful person to anyone. About 6-7 years ago he meets his current wife. She seemed shy, but nice, good family girl from a small town (we are not American and while I live here, my brother does not). She loves to cook and my brother loved that. She is also a doctor, very proper and likes to dress up and look nice. Since the beginning there were some red flags, but nobody in my family gave too much importance to those. Examples include: 1) their relationship seemed a little too codependent. Literally since my brother met her I have not been able to be alone with him. 2) she did not seem to want to spend time with me or better spent a lot of time “sick” in her room during the only vacation we ever took together. 3) she is very closed minded and does not change her mind. 4) looking back I guess she is also a lot about appearances (takes pictures with her dogs for FB, but never wants to walk them, etc.). All of this was not a big deal until they got married and had a baby. Since then she became the most insecure person on the planet. She found excuses (ridiculous excuses) to exclude me from their lives. She got out of our family’s whatsup chat and my brother “had” to follow. Still today over a year later my brother can’t get back on our family chats because when he tried to bring it up she made a huge drama and did not sleep for 2 nights, etc... it is crazy. I am not able to visit their baby unless she is present (the baby is my only blood niece). She baptized the baby 2 weeks after we left the country (I guess so that my husband, my kids and I could not be present... after being there for 2 months). She also does not want my mom close and of course that breaks my mom’s heart. My brother seems to be somewhat done with her, but is still hoping she will change and become a normal person. I still can’t believe that my brother can’t spend time with his family in person or online... I tried to put my tale in between my legs many times for the sake of my brother and their baby, but nothing I do or say is ever right. If I ask about the daughter I am a bad person because I did not also ask about her, if I ask what her daughter is doing, I am bad because I am comparing her to my kids (I have 3). I have decided to just stay out of everything because I am not helping my brother’s situation I think, but it hurts to see him so sad.
I tried putting myself in her shoes. She is very insecure and probably sees my mom and I as a threat. She is controlling and jealous of my brother and sees maliciousness everyhwere.
Is there anything to do? I will be seeing them again over Christmas... though I am sure she will try to avoid us as much as she can which means that I will have to see my brother without her knowing about it.... I am very sad because my brother really is the best brother, friend, husband and son anyone could vere hope for and he is miserable

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much you can do without your brother catching flack from his wife. Maybe you can write him an old fashioned letter just telling him how you feel and that you miss him and your niece?

Also you mention this is your only niece by blood. I'm assuming you don't have any nieces/nephews on your husband's side? If you do I would focus more on them until/if your brother comes around. I don't think just because those nieces/nephews don't share blood they are any less of your niece/nephew and I'll be honest if I was your husband I would be a little hurt that you didn't seem to see them as "real" nieces/nephews or not as important.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is a grown man. He can decide on his own whether to participate in chats and texts with you, and if he wants to invite you to visit. She's not threatening him with a knife, he's choosing to do these things on his own. Sounds like he's not as amazing as you thought.