Sister in law from hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Difficult to say what is going on here.

It seems obvious to me you have ticked you SIL off somehow. Probably related to something that happened when the baby was in the hospital. Have you asked her if you’ve done something to upset her, and apologized? You may have been insensitive, she may have been over sensitive- but either way being the bigger person is helpful.

Who knows what is really going on in their marriage..the only people who do are (1) your brother and (2) her. It is literally impossible to get a full and accurate picture. Literally impossible. Marital problems are virtually never only one spouses fault, you realize? It takes two. Your brother is almost certainly not providing a completely accurate picture- and it may not even be on purpose- it is just the way people tend to describe personal issues from their own viewpoint.

Your brother may be a wonderful guy, but he sounds immature. He should not be discussing his marital problems with the extended family- and certainly not with such detail. This is never a good idea and your post is 100% proof of WHY. Whatever else is going on- I feel truly very sorry for your SIL about this issue. Her DH is breaking her trust and airing their dirty laundry to the extended family. I am not at all surprised she is putting distance between them and you. In this regard it is YOUR BROTHER’S fault but she may be blaming you..when it is not your fault he has such a big mouth. This is one of of my reasons discussing marital issues with extended family is general high recommended against.

I’d stop discussing your brothers marriage with him. There is absolutely zero possibility that you are helping anyone by doing this. Tell him you love him and his family and hope things improve and encourage counseling. Repeat each time. Do not listen to these details or encourage him telling you these things. Also I would discourage your mother from gossiping and complaining about this and certainly don’t gossip with her either.

The fault may very well not lie with your family- it seems to be marital issues. Be the bigger and more mature person, avoid gossiping and discussing this anymore and let them work this out. Don’t encourage negative talk about SIL either from brother or your mom. Maybe they will work it out maybe they won’t- but do the right thing.

Responding to your first paragraph. I have... that is what I explained in my previous post. I had no idea she was upset at me for not contacting her directly and honestly her anger/disappointment was totally unjustified. I simply did what my brother asked me to do. Even after showing her his message “do not contact SIL, she does not want to make a big deal about this” she said “ he meant to not call me, not to not write to me”.... I mean how was I supposed to read his/her mind? My brother told both of us that that situation was all his fault and that he should not have tried to protect her... SIL was still upset with me and (though I don’t even understand the logic at this point) she said we just have different opinions... I had no opinion... I just did as I was told... but I guess I am still the bad person

You should have called/texted her directly at the same time as your brother. It signaled to her that you aren’t very close at all. She does not feel important or included in your family. Whether it’s justified or not I don’t know, but what you are currently doing is not working. Also, you had your third baby just a month before her first, she may feel that stole her baby’s thunder a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Difficult to say what is going on here.

It seems obvious to me you have ticked you SIL off somehow. Probably related to something that happened when the baby was in the hospital. Have you asked her if you’ve done something to upset her, and apologized? You may have been insensitive, she may have been over sensitive- but either way being the bigger person is helpful.

Who knows what is really going on in their marriage..the only people who do are (1) your brother and (2) her. It is literally impossible to get a full and accurate picture. Literally impossible. Marital problems are virtually never only one spouses fault, you realize? It takes two. Your brother is almost certainly not providing a completely accurate picture- and it may not even be on purpose- it is just the way people tend to describe personal issues from their own viewpoint.

Your brother may be a wonderful guy, but he sounds immature. He should not be discussing his marital problems with the extended family- and certainly not with such detail. This is never a good idea and your post is 100% proof of WHY. Whatever else is going on- I feel truly very sorry for your SIL about this issue. Her DH is breaking her trust and airing their dirty laundry to the extended family. I am not at all surprised she is putting distance between them and you. In this regard it is YOUR BROTHER’S fault but she may be blaming you..when it is not your fault he has such a big mouth. This is one of of my reasons discussing marital issues with extended family is general high recommended against.

I’d stop discussing your brothers marriage with him. There is absolutely zero possibility that you are helping anyone by doing this. Tell him you love him and his family and hope things improve and encourage counseling. Repeat each time. Do not listen to these details or encourage him telling you these things. Also I would discourage your mother from gossiping and complaining about this and certainly don’t gossip with her either.

The fault may very well not lie with your family- it seems to be marital issues. Be the bigger and more mature person, avoid gossiping and discussing this anymore and let them work this out. Don’t encourage negative talk about SIL either from brother or your mom. Maybe they will work it out maybe they won’t- but do the right thing.

Responding to your first paragraph. I have... that is what I explained in my previous post. I had no idea she was upset at me for not contacting her directly and honestly her anger/disappointment was totally unjustified. I simply did what my brother asked me to do. Even after showing her his message “do not contact SIL, she does not want to make a big deal about this” she said “ he meant to not call me, not to not write to me”.... I mean how was I supposed to read his/her mind? My brother told both of us that that situation was all his fault and that he should not have tried to protect her... SIL was still upset with me and (though I don’t even understand the logic at this point) she said we just have different opinions... I had no opinion... I just did as I was told... but I guess I am still the bad person

You should have called/texted her directly at the same time as your brother. It signaled to her that you aren’t very close at all. She does not feel important or included in your family. Whether it’s justified or not I don’t know, but what you are currently doing is not working. Also, you had your third baby just a month before her first, she may feel that stole her baby’s thunder a little bit.

My baby was born a month after hers. Would you have texted your SIL after you brother told you to not contact her? Had she been my best friend, maybe I would have anyway because I would know her very well, but she is not a best friend. I have lived in the Us since before they met and spent very little time with her...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - sorry everyone is piling on you. Sounds like a tough situation. SIL is probably insecure and a control freak - toxic combination. Not sure there is much you can do. Your brother has to stand up for himself. How does she even know if he joins the family group chat? Does she go through his phone? That is very creepy. You can turn off notifications on WhatsApp so the messages don’t pop up on the screen

Thanks. She knows and he would not do it without her knowing. He also deletes all our texts because he is afraid she might read them...

I agree with pp that that is very creepy, but at the end of the day, the person who needs to make the change is your brother. Encourage him to see a therapist. He needs to learn to stick up for himself and for healthy boundaries in all his relationships.

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of my early married life. Long story short, my husband was playing all of us. He was telling his sister and parents terrible things about me and vice versa. We all hated each other. He’d also say thing like he had to see them in secret. But he was telling me all of these awful things they would say about me so of course I didn’t want him to see or talk to his family.

He has since learned his lesson.

My point is that you don’t know the full story here and it all sounds a little off. My SIL would also say things like, “I’m just looking out for you.” She even tried to help my husband find a lawyer to divorce me.

I remember one time he had just cheated on me and I was making a list trying to divide our marital assets. I later read the texts he sent to his sister about it portraying a completely different scenario. Basically that I was crazily trying to divide our property but of course no mention of WHY. Like I just woke up that morning and decided let’s get divorced.

Really you need to forget all about this and just move on and be nice. Hopefully things will improve over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Difficult to say what is going on here.

It seems obvious to me you have ticked you SIL off somehow. Probably related to something that happened when the baby was in the hospital. Have you asked her if you’ve done something to upset her, and apologized? You may have been insensitive, she may have been over sensitive- but either way being the bigger person is helpful.

Who knows what is really going on in their marriage..the only people who do are (1) your brother and (2) her. It is literally impossible to get a full and accurate picture. Literally impossible. Marital problems are virtually never only one spouses fault, you realize? It takes two. Your brother is almost certainly not providing a completely accurate picture- and it may not even be on purpose- it is just the way people tend to describe personal issues from their own viewpoint.

Your brother may be a wonderful guy, but he sounds immature. He should not be discussing his marital problems with the extended family- and certainly not with such detail. This is never a good idea and your post is 100% proof of WHY. Whatever else is going on- I feel truly very sorry for your SIL about this issue. Her DH is breaking her trust and airing their dirty laundry to the extended family. I am not at all surprised she is putting distance between them and you. In this regard it is YOUR BROTHER’S fault but she may be blaming you..when it is not your fault he has such a big mouth. This is one of of my reasons discussing marital issues with extended family is general high recommended against.

I’d stop discussing your brothers marriage with him. There is absolutely zero possibility that you are helping anyone by doing this. Tell him you love him and his family and hope things improve and encourage counseling. Repeat each time. Do not listen to these details or encourage him telling you these things. Also I would discourage your mother from gossiping and complaining about this and certainly don’t gossip with her either.

The fault may very well not lie with your family- it seems to be marital issues. Be the bigger and more mature person, avoid gossiping and discussing this anymore and let them work this out. Don’t encourage negative talk about SIL either from brother or your mom. Maybe they will work it out maybe they won’t- but do the right thing.

Responding to your first paragraph. I have... that is what I explained in my previous post. I had no idea she was upset at me for not contacting her directly and honestly her anger/disappointment was totally unjustified. I simply did what my brother asked me to do. Even after showing her his message “do not contact SIL, she does not want to make a big deal about this” she said “ he meant to not call me, not to not write to me”.... I mean how was I supposed to read his/her mind? My brother told both of us that that situation was all his fault and that he should not have tried to protect her... SIL was still upset with me and (though I don’t even understand the logic at this point) she said we just have different opinions... I had no opinion... I just did as I was told... but I guess I am still the bad person

You should have called/texted her directly at the same time as your brother. It signaled to her that you aren’t very close at all. She does not feel important or included in your family. Whether it’s justified or not I don’t know, but what you are currently doing is not working. Also, you had your third baby just a month before her first, she may feel that stole her baby’s thunder a little bit.

My baby was born a month after hers. Would you have texted your SIL after you brother told you to not contact her? Had she been my best friend, maybe I would have anyway because I would know her very well, but she is not a best friend. I have lived in the Us since before they met and spent very little time with her...

I would have called my SIL before my brother (but that’s completely irrelevant). You don’t have a relationship with her, and from I can tell not doing much to foster one. You just want access to your brother and niece and go through the formalities. That’s fine, she has decided you are not a priority in her and her family’s life. This is not a battle you can win, it’s highly unlikely your brother will divorce her. Act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Your brother is playing you.

[Anonymous]

Did your SIL congratulate you the birth of your baby that was born after hers?
You said you never said anything to her, but you actually showed her the text from your brother. That sounds like a confrontation. It is pretty obvious here that your brother and your family are nuts over some internet chat. Maybe she was busy and she never meant for what she said to her husband to be broadcast to the entire family? Any man with half the brain knows not the tell his family if his wife is slightly upset with them. Your brother is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your SIL congratulate you the birth of your baby that was born after hers?
You said you never said anything to her, but you actually showed her the text from your brother. That sounds like a confrontation. It is pretty obvious here that your brother and your family are nuts over some internet chat. Maybe she was busy and she never meant for what she said to her husband to be broadcast to the entire family? Any man with half the brain knows not the tell his family if his wife is slightly upset with them. Your brother is a jerk.

You missed the whole point and di not understands anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of my early married life. Long story short, my husband was playing all of us. He was telling his sister and parents terrible things about me and vice versa. We all hated each other. He’d also say thing like he had to see them in secret. But he was telling me all of these awful things they would say about me so of course I didn’t want him to see or talk to his family.

He has since learned his lesson.

My point is that you don’t know the full story here and it all sounds a little off. My SIL would also say things like, “I’m just looking out for you.” She even tried to help my husband find a lawyer to divorce me.

I remember one time he had just cheated on me and I was making a list trying to divide our marital assets. I later read the texts he sent to his sister about it portraying a completely different scenario. Basically that I was crazily trying to divide our property but of course no mention of WHY. Like I just woke up that morning and decided let’s get divorced.

Really you need to forget all about this and just move on and be nice. Hopefully things will improve over time.

Not the op but this is fascinating. And very believable. You need to be 2 to tango. Maybe your wonderful brother is also using your SIL to push his overwhelming mom away. Not saying he could be evil but he could play into it, without even being fully conscious of it. Creating issues and preempting a lot of her tantrums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your SIL congratulate you the birth of your baby that was born after hers?
You said you never said anything to her, but you actually showed her the text from your brother. That sounds like a confrontation. It is pretty obvious here that your brother and your family are nuts over some internet chat. Maybe she was busy and she never meant for what she said to her husband to be broadcast to the entire family? Any man with half the brain knows not the tell his family if his wife is slightly upset with them. Your brother is a jerk.

+1

Your brother is a jerk and stirring the pot.

People complain about their ILs or get annoyed at times- I know DH and I both do. We certainly don’t repeat this stuff to our families! I assume they get annoyed with us at times too and probably vent to their spouses- they don’t come and tell us so. Your brother is creating tons of drama due to his big mouth. Beyond that, the whole drama seems much ado about nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn't want advice. She is unable to see any other point of view than her own. I have no idea why she posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of my early married life. Long story short, my husband was playing all of us. He was telling his sister and parents terrible things about me and vice versa. We all hated each other. He’d also say thing like he had to see them in secret. But he was telling me all of these awful things they would say about me so of course I didn’t want him to see or talk to his family.

He has since learned his lesson.

My point is that you don’t know the full story here and it all sounds a little off. My SIL would also say things like, “I’m just looking out for you.” She even tried to help my husband find a lawyer to divorce me.

I remember one time he had just cheated on me and I was making a list trying to divide our marital assets. I later read the texts he sent to his sister about it portraying a completely different scenario. Basically that I was crazily trying to divide our property but of course no mention of WHY. Like I just woke up that morning and decided let’s get divorced.

Really you need to forget all about this and just move on and be nice. Hopefully things will improve over time.

Not the op but this is fascinating. And very believable. You need to be 2 to tango. Maybe your wonderful brother is also using your SIL to push his overwhelming mom away. Not saying he could be evil but he could play into it, without even being fully conscious of it. Creating issues and preempting a lot of her tantrums

Oh wow. The first part is EXACTLY what my DH did during the early years of our marriage. He’d complain about me to them, and them to me. To this day I really do not completely understand why. Attention? At any rate we almost divorced- but did marriage counseling instead. It worked. DH understood why it was inappropriate and learned how to set boundaries with his family.

10yrs later our marriage is very strong. However the relationship with his family has NEVER recovered. Too much bad blood- they can’t “unhear” the stuff DH told them early on and the impression stuck. I’m still resentful of their participation in everything and keep them at arms length. DH has apologized and made it up to me but they never really can. We rarely see them.

I’d stay out of this OP. Not sure what is up with your brother but he should not be telling you this stuff. And if you are smart you’ll not be an active participant. Odds are they will kiss and make up, but your relationship with SIL may not ever be truly repairable. The awkwardness will extend to your brother and niece and it will be nearly impossible to have a close relationship due to the past- the longer this goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn't want advice. She is unable to see any other point of view than her own. I have no idea why she posted.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it must be frustrating your SIL is not really part of your family. Her controlling behavior may be due to anxiety or she really is abusive. Regardless, there isn't much you can do, except be available to your brother. Support him now and make peace with the fact you won't have much interaction with your niece.

Thanks... that is what I am doing. It just sucks because our family is super small and we are very very close even if we live far away...

Ok so with your updates I can see why you are upset with your SIL. I am not sure if something happened when their child went to hospital. It seemed that the SIL is upset over something, maybe ask your brother if you said or did something that hurt her. Maybe it's something you don't even realise you did.

Despite that yes your SIL sounds cold and controlling. However there isn't much you can do, she is who she is. I understand it's frustrating that your family just wants to interact normally with each other and this added stress doesn't help. It just makes everything harder.

I would communicate mainly through your brother. Set up times to visit with him. Apart from that I understand why you hate her, it seems that your brother is in a tight spot so perhaps don't talk about your SIL with him, it puts him in an awkward position. Ask him about their child, it's normal to ask questions I wouldn't be put off by her attitude, at the end of the day if she is upset that you are taking an interest in their child then that is her problem not yours. As long as you are not comparing her child to yours.

Maybe it will get better with time, hopefully but it's probably something you will have to come to accept. Try to work through your feelings a little before you see her next, it won't help things if you are feeling negative toward her. I hope things turn around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it must be frustrating your SIL is not really part of your family. Her controlling behavior may be due to anxiety or she really is abusive. Regardless, there isn't much you can do, except be available to your brother. Support him now and make peace with the fact you won't have much interaction with your niece.

Thanks... that is what I am doing. It just sucks because our family is super small and we are very very close even if we live far away...

Ok so with your updates I can see why you are upset with your SIL. I am not sure if something happened when their child went to hospital. It seemed that the SIL is upset over something, maybe ask your brother if you said or did something that hurt her. Maybe it's something you don't even realise you did.

Despite that yes your SIL sounds cold and controlling. However there isn't much you can do, she is who she is. I understand it's frustrating that your family just wants to interact normally with each other and this added stress doesn't help. It just makes everything harder.

I would communicate mainly through your brother. Set up times to visit with him. Apart from that I understand why you hate her, it seems that your brother is in a tight spot so perhaps don't talk about your SIL with him, it puts him in an awkward position. Ask him about their child, it's normal to ask questions I wouldn't be put off by her attitude, at the end of the day if she is upset that you are taking an interest in their child then that is her problem not yours. As long as you are not comparing her child to yours.

Maybe it will get better with time, hopefully but it's probably something you will have to come to accept. Try to work through your feelings a little before you see her next, it won't help things if you are feeling negative toward her. I hope things turn around.

OP here. Thank you. I did talk to SIL about the hospital and I did that hurt or bothered her. When I went back this summer I made an effort to talk to her in person. I would have wanted to talk only with her, but she would not do it without my brother present... which was not a big deal. As I already said, he issue with me was that when their daughter was at the hospital I did not write to SIL directly, but only wrote to my brother. I explained her that my brother thought she was very stressed out at the time and asked us to not write on our family chat to ask about their daughter and to not contact SIL directly. I even showed her his text to me because she thought I was lying (or as she put it, “not honest”).
Even after reading the text she maintained her point that I should have texted her. Her words were “your brother told you to not contact me, not to not text me at all”.... to me “no contact” means “no text, no call, etc” ... anyway...
I think she is ridiculous for being upset for months about this after we all tried to make her reason (my brother and myself)... also, in all honestly, when my daughter was in the hospital, I couldn’t have cared less who was calling and who wasn’t... I have no idea if she or my brother contacted me. My husbands parents and siblings asked to my husband... and I am HAPPY they did not bother me...

When my niece was in the hospital, I wrote and called my brother so many times! I even showed her the 30 or so whatsup pages of messages we exchanged. I bought through amazon a welcome home gift, etc... I was a great sister, SIL and aunt...
She is just crazy and that’s it