I slapped my teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

Not slap her kid. She should have handled it by not slapping her kid. She could even say, there are consequences for calling me that - we don't speak to each other that way. It is the middle of the night and I don't know yet what those consequences are but we will figure it out tomorrow. Or she could say, you are grounded this weekend, or whatever it is she does. As for being on the phone in the middle of the night, she should handle it by saying - there are consequences, from now on, the phone is going to be charged in my room. (Which is what is recommended for parents to do anyway - because it cuts down on the bullying that happens on social media and by texting at night. I have been to several parent info nights on bullying, social media etc at school and this is always recommended.) Or just, let's go get you some tea to help you sleep and we'll talk about the consequences tomorrow.

Her kid is a teen, she doesn't have to give the consequences RIGHT THEN. It is okay to think about it. Her dd hasn't called her a bitch before so of course she didn't know how to handle it in the moment. I don't think anyone prepares ahead of time and has the consequence in their back pocket.

This is everything that is wrong with parenting today. Afraid to really do anything and just wants to talk about “consequences”.
And - you still have given no advice for actually getting the phone back physically. Please tell me you don’t mean for op to leave the phone in her daughters room all night and figure it out in the morning?

Again, OP already had the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

+1, it is not ok to slap your child but its allowed and legal. It was one slap. People are acting like it was pure abuse and no one at CPS or anywhere else is going to care. Get over yourselves. Child was really out of line. Cell phone is the issue as well as child's behavior. OP should apologizing for the slap/not handling it the best way but taking the cell phone and more consequences is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

+1, it is not ok to slap your child but its allowed and legal. It was one slap. People are acting like it was pure abuse and no one at CPS or anywhere else is going to care. Get over yourselves. Child was really out of line. Cell phone is the issue as well as child's behavior. OP should apologizing for the slap/not handling it the best way but taking the cell phone and more consequences is appropriate.

I don't know what state are you are in, but this is really state specific advice. In my state, I have seen CPS take action over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

Not slap her kid. She should have handled it by not slapping her kid. She could even say, there are consequences for calling me that - we don't speak to each other that way. It is the middle of the night and I don't know yet what those consequences are but we will figure it out tomorrow. Or she could say, you are grounded this weekend, or whatever it is she does. As for being on the phone in the middle of the night, she should handle it by saying - there are consequences, from now on, the phone is going to be charged in my room. (Which is what is recommended for parents to do anyway - because it cuts down on the bullying that happens on social media and by texting at night. I have been to several parent info nights on bullying, social media etc at school and this is always recommended.) Or just, let's go get you some tea to help you sleep and we'll talk about the consequences tomorrow.

Her kid is a teen, she doesn't have to give the consequences RIGHT THEN. It is okay to think about it. Her dd hasn't called her a bitch before so of course she didn't know how to handle it in the moment. I don't think anyone prepares ahead of time and has the consequence in their back pocket.

Dead horse is dead. Also, you sound like a doormat. OP please go make your child some tea and go back to bed while leaving the phone with her because you don’t want to get in a “wrestling match”. Got it.

How old are your kids? When you have to resort to physically confronting them, you have lost the upper hand. And that only works while you can still win in a physical confrontation. My 14 yr old is significantly taller and stronger than I am. If we were flat out wrestling, he would win in a heartbeat. It is one thing to take a toy from your 6 yr old, it is another to take a toy from your 16 yr old. Unless their life is in danger and they are threatening to kill themselves, don't confront them physically.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't everyone have access to their cell phone account online? I can turn off my kid's cell phone in under 10 seconds. There is a big link that says "Lost your phone? BLOCK YOUR NUMBER" that I can click to turn it off. I could also restrict data or turn off texting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked that any teen would call their mother a "bitch". This kind of behavior does not come out of no-where. It is a result of bad, negligent and lax parenting from the get go.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.... hahahahahahah... Only a serious child abuser would think this or a person that has never, ever had a teen, is your kid a baby?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I am sorry that I lost my temper and hit you last night. I was wrong. I apologize.

I will still be keeping the phone for a week as a consequence of you not minding me when I told you to leave it downstairs. You will also be grounded this weekend for calling me a name which is completely unacceptable."

+1 While I have never slept my teen in the face, I have yelled at them, and afterwards when I've calmed down, I do apologize.

But yes, the teen needs to suffer the consequences of her actions about the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

+1, it is not ok to slap your child but its allowed and legal. It was one slap. People are acting like it was pure abuse and no one at CPS or anywhere else is going to care. Get over yourselves. Child was really out of line. Cell phone is the issue as well as child's behavior. OP should apologizing for the slap/not handling it the best way but taking the cell phone and more consequences is appropriate.

I don't know what state are you are in, but this is really state specific advice. In my state, I have seen CPS take action over that.

I have worked for CPS in three states. None would ever take a teenager over one slap over the child's behavior in less there was a severe bruise or more going on. Usually there is much more going on if CPS takes action. In no state is it illegal to slap your child. Most of us may feel its wrong but as long as it doesn't leave marks or bruises its ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Of course OP needs to apologize for slapping her daughter. And to never do it again. OP, don’t let yourself off the hook because DCUM is filled with abusers.

No wonder some women stay with abusive partners. They are taught at home by their parents that they deserve it. Disgusting.

You're a moron.

I was abused as a child, and any sign of DH yelling at me or showing any disrespect towards me, I shut that down. I would never tolerate abuse by my DH.

A spouse is not the same as a child. That's just weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

+1, it is not ok to slap your child but its allowed and legal. It was one slap. People are acting like it was pure abuse and no one at CPS or anywhere else is going to care. Get over yourselves. Child was really out of line. Cell phone is the issue as well as child's behavior. OP should apologizing for the slap/not handling it the best way but taking the cell phone and more consequences is appropriate.

I don't know what state are you are in, but this is really state specific advice. In my state, I have seen CPS take action over that.

I have worked for CPS in three states. None would ever take a teenager over one slap over the child's behavior in less there was a severe bruise or more going on. Usually there is much more going on if CPS takes action. In no state is it illegal to slap your child. Most of us may feel its wrong but as long as it doesn't leave marks or bruises its ok.

Did you read what I wrote above? They opened a case and the parent received counseling. There was no TAKING of the child. There were services offered to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet she won't call you a bitch again.
Stick with the consequence of the lost phone for the week too.
I would not mention the slap unless she brings it up again.

My Mom slapped me at 16 for calling her the B word (all my friends were doing so). I never did it again and had the upmost respect for her and loved her. I haven’t slapped my teen DDs but would not judge you for slapping yours. I did tell my DDs about my Mom and the B word and the slap so perhaps held them off. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Ok. I had an incident with my 14 year old last night (accused her of being insensitive which she was). I YELLED at her for this, then spent a night waking up wondering... did I handle this right? Woke up this morning telling her I loved her, and tonight she asked me if she could help me...
If my DD called me a bitch? Uhm no sorry. Slap yes ( less than ideal) but I get it.
I would have taken away her phone for a week, but I know in the heat of things...

That word is unacceptable OP. If she learned it from you, then you need to think. If she learned it from somewhere else, you need to talk to her.

[Anonymous]

I think when you apologize though you also tell her that never in your life have you been called such an ugly name by someone you care for and it caught you so seriously off guard that your instinct was to lash out. She needs to know that her vicious comment was a spark that pushed you to do something extremely out of character. She needs to understand that provocation is serious and can push someone beyond their typical self control.

And oh yes - that phone is a goner for a good long time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

+1, it is not ok to slap your child but its allowed and legal. It was one slap. People are acting like it was pure abuse and no one at CPS or anywhere else is going to care. Get over yourselves. Child was really out of line. Cell phone is the issue as well as child's behavior. OP should apologizing for the slap/not handling it the best way but taking the cell phone and more consequences is appropriate.

I don't know what state are you are in, but this is really state specific advice. In my state, I have seen CPS take action over that.

I have worked for CPS in three states. None would ever take a teenager over one slap over the child's behavior in less there was a severe bruise or more going on. Usually there is much more going on if CPS takes action. In no state is it illegal to slap your child. Most of us may feel its wrong but as long as it doesn't leave marks or bruises its ok.

Did you read what I wrote above? They opened a case and the parent received counseling. There was no TAKING of the child. There were services offered to the family.

There is far more to it if they are receiving support services. One slap with no marks is not a big deal to CPS. Don't waste their time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, it sure is easier to make the better choice when you're well rested and it's daylight.

You've beaten yourself up enough, OP. You've gotten some good advice on apologizing and maintaining your DD's consequences. Move on.

+100

Another vote for this. Apologize for slapping, but still keep the phone as a consequence.

I'm the mother of a 16 yo DS and trust me, there have been several times in the past six months that I've wanted to slap him for being a total s***. And all in all he's a good kid, I don't have 90% of the problems a lot of teen parents have. But there have been moments when the emotions have just gone sky high, on both sides. I've definitely berated myself after the fact for getting too emotional and not handling it a lot better.

My 16 yo DS is a nice kid but drives everyone nuts at home. He's such sh!t sometimes and,sometimes, I fantasize about putting our big dog's E-collar on DS and zapping him. DH feels the same way. I can understand losing it in the middle of the night over a cell phone and slapping him when he calls me a bitch.

I would regret it and it's wrong but I understand it.