I slapped my teen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I called my mom a bitch when I was 14 or 15 and she did the same exact thing. It didn't change the dynamic of our (already not-close) relationship, and I never did it again. But I did plenty of other bad things because it happened and that was that. No further discussion. And no consistent rules and consequences.

OP, keep the phone for at least a week. Your daughter needs to learn about consequences for her actions -- breaking the rules AND being disrespectful. You can say sorry for slapping her but please make it clear she cannot flout rules, especially those made for her own good. Have conversations. Work through it together. But be firm and stay firm.

I agree with this. The consequences with the phone now are important. I am the one who turned off the router to enforce the screen time rule. The key is to be calm and consistent and give consequences that are reasonable but that you stick to. We have never had the situation come up again because the consequences were carried through.

[Anonymous]

Update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a quick reply but I worked in a school where CPS was called to get involved and CPS took a slap very seriously. Parent had to do parenting classes and they kept coming to the school to check in with the parents.

I don't know about your state - I am not in the DMV. I did not know that the fallout would be so serious.

Parenting is hard, OP, I have a 14yr old and have found him on his phone when he wasn't supposed to be. The phones and internet are like crack to these kids.

However, if this ends up with CPS just face the consequences. Don't tell your dd to lie to the school.

Sorry, they kept coming in to the school to check in with the student.

Freaking ridiculous. CPS gets money from the federal government for every child they supervise, and more for the ones they take into custody. CPS destroy families and relationships. So they intruded on this family for a damn slap, embarrassed the kid at school, etc. what would have happened if this family was like some of the families who said just take her, if you think you can do a better job, just have at it. More money for CPS and another kid ruined, tossed from one foster home to another until the kid ages out of the system and no more money from the feds. All that investigation because of a smack, but they couldn’t keep track of a kid like Relisha Rudd who needed looking after. System is whack.

No. The case was done after the parenting classes were finished. The parent learned other strategies. Would you prefer the parent keep hitting the kid and then the kid hits back and they both end up with domestic violence charges?

Also the kid was not embarrassed to get this help. She was the one who had gone to the school because the relationship with her parents was causing her a huge amount of stress that carries over to school. She was hooked up with an organization with resources and opportunities for teens for counseling outside of school. The situation was resolved positively. I don't live in DC but my understanding is that Relisha Rudd was kidnapped from a family shelter by an employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the replies, but having been on the other end of a similar incident, I don't think this is a big deal. My mother slapped me once in my entire life, when I was teenager. We were having an argument; I ran out of reasoned responses and said something disrespectful and left the room; she followed me and slapped me in the face. I was surprised, but I didn't think she was wrong; I took the slap as confirmation that I had gone too far. We moved on with no impact on our relationship.

+1.

I would never ever call my mom (or any person) a bitch. My mom was crazy enough to make me think she might kill me and turn herself into the police if I seriously got “out of line”. She was absolutely a do as I say, not as I do parent. And I did what I was told, because she scared the living daylights out of me one good time. That fear worked to keep me out of trouble until my brain was able to logically choose to make the same good choices fear of consequence promoted.

I wouldn’t apologize for the slap. She’s 14. If she said the same thing to a stranger, or a person at school, she could provoke the same response.

Your daughter needs to apologize for calling you a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

Not slap her kid. She should have handled it by not slapping her kid. She could even say, there are consequences for calling me that - we don't speak to each other that way. It is the middle of the night and I don't know yet what those consequences are but we will figure it out tomorrow. Or she could say, you are grounded this weekend, or whatever it is she does. As for being on the phone in the middle of the night, she should handle it by saying - there are consequences, from now on, the phone is going to be charged in my room. (Which is what is recommended for parents to do anyway - because it cuts down on the bullying that happens on social media and by texting at night. I have been to several parent info nights on bullying, social media etc at school and this is always recommended.) Or just, let's go get you some tea to help you sleep and we'll talk about the consequences tomorrow.

Her kid is a teen, she doesn't have to give the consequences RIGHT THEN. It is okay to think about it. Her dd hasn't called her a bitch before so of course she didn't know how to handle it in the moment. I don't think anyone prepares ahead of time and has the consequence in their back pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Sounds like you're afraid to discipline your kids.

Sounds like you over discipline your kids without thought. Which is worse.

[Anonymous]

As a PP said, it sure is easier to make the better choice when you're well rested and it's daylight.

You've beaten yourself up enough, OP. You've gotten some good advice on apologizing and maintaining your DD's consequences. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

Not slap her kid. She should have handled it by not slapping her kid. She could even say, there are consequences for calling me that - we don't speak to each other that way. It is the middle of the night and I don't know yet what those consequences are but we will figure it out tomorrow. Or she could say, you are grounded this weekend, or whatever it is she does. As for being on the phone in the middle of the night, she should handle it by saying - there are consequences, from now on, the phone is going to be charged in my room. (Which is what is recommended for parents to do anyway - because it cuts down on the bullying that happens on social media and by texting at night. I have been to several parent info nights on bullying, social media etc at school and this is always recommended.) Or just, let's go get you some tea to help you sleep and we'll talk about the consequences tomorrow.

Her kid is a teen, she doesn't have to give the consequences RIGHT THEN. It is okay to think about it. Her dd hasn't called her a bitch before so of course she didn't know how to handle it in the moment. I don't think anyone prepares ahead of time and has the consequence in their back pocket.

Dead horse is dead. Also, you sound like a doormat. OP please go make your child some tea and go back to bed while leaving the phone with her because you don’t want to get in a “wrestling match”. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of an almost 14 year old dd here.

Get some sleep. Sit down with her in a few hours and apologize for slapping her. Tell her you lost control, and that was not okay. And it won’t happen again.

When she says that she should get her phone back because you slapped her, you can say: “So you think that one way I can show remorse is by returning your phone. I can see how you might think that. The issues are unrelated. Your phone will be in my possession because you’re struggling with how to regulate your use of it. It’s my job as a parent to ensure you get sleep. That’s not happening when you have your phone at night. You disregarded our rules by sneaking down and getting it. The phone will be in my possession from 7pm- 7am from this point forward. With regard to the slapping, I messed up and I have apologized. Giving your phone back will not undo that.”

Each night, the phone gets charged in your room. My daughter’s phone is plugged in each night on my nightstand.

I agree that this is the right approach
- Mom of 16 yr DD and 13 yr DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should apologize for the whole incident.

Your daughter couldn't sleep and watched videos on her cellphone. You way overreacted and you instigated some middle of the night showdown over cellphone use that was totally unnecessary.

She shouldn't have called you a bitch but you really assumed a great deal here -- that she was on the phone all night, that there was nothing bothering her or keeping her up. Do you always approach every situation guns blazing like this? Is the cell phone really the issue?

Oh, so kids can break rules at a certain time of night? They don't need to follow rules and guidelines after midnight? What a great example and lesson, good to know.

If a teen or anyone can't sleep, the answer isn't to go get a phone. How about a book, a meditation, a shower or bath, or something else that isn't a screen? A screen is literally the worst thing you can engage with if you can't sleep.

I'm not saying that DD made the best choice. I just think that Mom handled this strictly as a warden of the phone rather than as a concerned parent.

She asked for the phone and Dd refused. What would have been your next step?

I have been in that situation. But my ds is 14 and is much bigger than I am by this point. I am not going to get in to a physical battle with him. I start leveling consequences. No screen time on your computer for the next two days. I am turning off the router. I am turning off the cell service on your phone. For my younger ds, I stated the consequences and he did not get off his computer when he was supposed to. I turned off the router and then when he was not home, I took the power adapter for his computer. And we kept it for a week because that was the consequence that he was up to by then.

You start leveling consequences. That is what you do.

She did (lose the phone).
Look you can go on and on about leveling consequences and pile on to the OP. It’s a completely different situation in the middle of the night when your child calls you a bitch. You had to wait for him to leave the house to take the power adapter? Um ok. I don’t think your parenting is effective then.

I'm not piling on OP. I was sharing what you do instead of getting in to a physical confrontation with your child, since someone said that she had already asked, and refused, and what should OP have done next? So I shared what I had done. For the record, once I turned the router off, he got off his computer. I waited to take the power cable because I didn't want the confrontation right then. He was already off the computer. My parenting was plenty effective. And I haven't had that come up again because he knows that we will follow through with the consequences.

There are ways to handle it without striking your child or trying to wrestle them in to something. OP's dd is only 14 and may not be very big yet. But her strategy was a bad one - middle of the night or not. We all make mistakes but REALLY it doesn't matter what someone says to you, or when, you don't hit them.

OP had a phone I believe, so she couldn't just turn the router off. You seem very proud of your parenting, but in the real world when a teacher or someone asks him to turn it over, they aren't going to play this little game that you are willing to play. That's what I mean when I say it's not effective. Effective parenting to me is getting the device handed over when I ask for it. Not some game of playing turn off the router because Larlo won't listen to me and then I win because I eventually out maneuver him.
The only thing I agree with you on is that she shouldn't have slapped which OP clearly stated. But your situation isn't at all comparable.

Of course it was a different situation. I did not say it wasn't. Op did not slap her kid for not giving her the phone. She slapped her for calling her a bitch. PP was asking how to continue - the answer is never to get in to a wrestling match with your kid. You keep removing privileges until they hand it over.

So exactly what she should have done? Called the phone company to shut off service? OP did nothing to start a “wrestling match” as you keep saying.

Not slap her kid. She should have handled it by not slapping her kid. She could even say, there are consequences for calling me that - we don't speak to each other that way. It is the middle of the night and I don't know yet what those consequences are but we will figure it out tomorrow. Or she could say, you are grounded this weekend, or whatever it is she does. As for being on the phone in the middle of the night, she should handle it by saying - there are consequences, from now on, the phone is going to be charged in my room. (Which is what is recommended for parents to do anyway - because it cuts down on the bullying that happens on social media and by texting at night. I have been to several parent info nights on bullying, social media etc at school and this is always recommended.) Or just, let's go get you some tea to help you sleep and we'll talk about the consequences tomorrow.

Her kid is a teen, she doesn't have to give the consequences RIGHT THEN. It is okay to think about it. Her dd hasn't called her a bitch before so of course she didn't know how to handle it in the moment. I don't think anyone prepares ahead of time and has the consequence in their back pocket.

This is everything that is wrong with parenting today. Afraid to really do anything and just wants to talk about “consequences”.
And - you still have given no advice for actually getting the phone back physically. Please tell me you don’t mean for op to leave the phone in her daughters room all night and figure it out in the morning?

[Anonymous]

I think there is a lot of overreaction here- OP doesn't regularly hit her DD or think that she handled things just great. Her DD sounds like a nice kid who doesn't regularly call her mom names.

This isn't a situation or pattern of abuse or a toxic parental relationship -- I've been abused and I know the difference. This is two people acting incredibly impulsive and disrespectful toward one another at 4AM.

An apology for the slap and a promise that it won't happen again-- and consequences for phone use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, it sure is easier to make the better choice when you're well rested and it's daylight.

You've beaten yourself up enough, OP. You've gotten some good advice on apologizing and maintaining your DD's consequences. Move on.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a PP said, it sure is easier to make the better choice when you're well rested and it's daylight.

You've beaten yourself up enough, OP. You've gotten some good advice on apologizing and maintaining your DD's consequences. Move on.

+100

Another vote for this. Apologize for slapping, but still keep the phone as a consequence.

I'm the mother of a 16 yo DS and trust me, there have been several times in the past six months that I've wanted to slap him for being a total s***. And all in all he's a good kid, I don't have 90% of the problems a lot of teen parents have. But there have been moments when the emotions have just gone sky high, on both sides. I've definitely berated myself after the fact for getting too emotional and not handling it a lot better.