Anyone horny but don't want sex with DH/DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me.

I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us.

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me.

I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us.

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.")

DP.. I think this is part of the problem. Husbands think the wives' needs are 1. put away dishes 2. do laundry... etc.... Those are needs, yes, but it's not just those specific things.

You are right.. it's hard to define. I guess I would say that as a wife, I want my husband to show that he loves his family by being engaged, and that means helping out and actively showing that he loves his family. That does translate to the mundane house chores, but if you only do it because your wife asked you to do it, then that's not showing you are actively engaged. Take an active role and not just do it half-a$$ because a lot of the times that comes across as "I don't care". And then there's the attitude when you do it or are asked to do it.

I know some men complain that their efforts are good enough and wives don't appreciate it when they don't do it the way she wants it done, and I guess I would say that perhaps when you get down to it, deep down maybe she feels that way because it's a reflection of you not really caring. Maybe it comes down to her insecurity about how you feel about your kids, and indirectly her. This is just my opinion. I don't know how other women feel.

My DH does a lot, but there were times in the past when I didn't feel he really loved being a dad to our kids, and by extension, that made me feel like he didn't love me. And that made me not want to have sex with him. It's taken me years to sort this out, I think. To me, how my DH treats his children is a reflection of how he feels about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me.

I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us.

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.")

DP.. I think this is part of the problem. Husbands think the wives' needs are 1. put away dishes 2. do laundry... etc.... Those are needs, yes, but it's not just those specific things.

You are right.. it's hard to define. I guess I would say that as a wife, I want my husband to show that he loves his family by being engaged, and that means helping out and actively showing that he loves his family. That does translate to the mundane house chores, but if you only do it because your wife asked you to do it, then that's not showing you are actively engaged. Take an active role and not just do it half-a$$ because a lot of the times that comes across as "I don't care". And then there's the attitude when you do it or are asked to do it.

I know some men complain that their efforts are good enough and wives don't appreciate it when they don't do it the way she wants it done, and I guess I would say that perhaps when you get down to it, deep down maybe she feels that way because it's a reflection of you not really caring. Maybe it comes down to her insecurity about how you feel about your kids, and indirectly her. This is just my opinion. I don't know how other women feel.

My DH does a lot, but there were times in the past when I didn't feel he really loved being a dad to our kids, and by extension, that made me feel like he didn't love me. And that made me not want to have sex with him. It's taken me years to sort this out, I think. To me, how my DH treats his children is a reflection of how he feels about me.

NP - guy here and I really do appreciate what you wrote and the thoughtfulness behind it. That said though, unless a guy has an EQ off the charts (and even then, there are limits) there is no reasonable way for any man to figure this out. And what works for/triggers you is likely completely different for the next woman. And I also would imagine that some of this has developed over the years (the linking of his treatment of your kids = love for you) as that wasn't an issue prior to having children/an earlier phase of your relationship and marriage. Meaning, this is dynamic and fluid instead of static and that it really becomes a guessing game of sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me.

I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us.

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.")

DP.. I think this is part of the problem. Husbands think the wives' needs are 1. put away dishes 2. do laundry... etc.... Those are needs, yes, but it's not just those specific things.

You are right.. it's hard to define. I guess I would say that as a wife, I want my husband to show that he loves his family by being engaged, and that means helping out and actively showing that he loves his family. That does translate to the mundane house chores, but if you only do it because your wife asked you to do it, then that's not showing you are actively engaged. Take an active role and not just do it half-a$$ because a lot of the times that comes across as "I don't care". And then there's the attitude when you do it or are asked to do it.

I know some men complain that their efforts are good enough and wives don't appreciate it when they don't do it the way she wants it done, and I guess I would say that perhaps when you get down to it, deep down maybe she feels that way because it's a reflection of you not really caring. Maybe it comes down to her insecurity about how you feel about your kids, and indirectly her. This is just my opinion. I don't know how other women feel.

My DH does a lot, but there were times in the past when I didn't feel he really loved being a dad to our kids, and by extension, that made me feel like he didn't love me. And that made me not want to have sex with him. It's taken me years to sort this out, I think. To me, how my DH treats his children is a reflection of how he feels about me.

NP - guy here and I really do appreciate what you wrote and the thoughtfulness behind it. That said though, unless a guy has an EQ off the charts (and even then, there are limits) there is no reasonable way for any man to figure this out. And what works for/triggers you is likely completely different for the next woman. And I also would imagine that some of this has developed over the years (the linking of his treatment of your kids = love for you) as that wasn't an issue prior to having children/an earlier phase of your relationship and marriage. Meaning, this is dynamic and fluid instead of static and that it really becomes a guessing game of sorts.

PP here.. you are right. I think even for women it's probably hard to express what it is they really want and need (and not the immediate need of doing the laundry). Like I said, it's taken me years (like 10?) to figure this out. Yes, the triggers could be different, and women do need to figure out what the real issue is, but even if they did that, and they communicated that to the husband, would it be well received or would he tell her she's being ridiculous?

And yes, of course, prior to our children the dynamic was different. I knew he loved me because of the way he treated me. I was his whole world, but in the same token, he was the only person I had to please. When we had kids, I didn't expect him to treat me the *exact* same way because our lives had changed. Similarly, I could not cater to his needs the same way I did before we had kids.

I think this is why they say communication is key. I'm not the best communicator (I certainly did not have good role models). And another adage.. actions speak louder than words. What do you do to show that you love your wife? A while ago some guy (I assume it's a guy) posted a picture of what he did for his wife after she had worked long hours and was coming home late. He had the kids fed and bathed, and a hot bath with a glass of wine (and a vibrator) waiting for her. Now, that's what you call action.

[Goodtime]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 10 years. 2 kids
In the beginning we did it all of the time (as couples do). Over the years he has been into it more some times, and othertimes i have been.

The past 3 years however I have had a difficult time being turned on by him. I believe it started when an issue was very poorly mishandled by him (with regards to his family) and basically hung me out to dry even though it was not my fault/issue. Since then, i feel i have lost some respect for him so now other smaller issues that come up only add to that feeling.
I don't feel supported by him or respected and really don't find him 'attractive' much.

The problem is that i am at a peak of wanting sex and it is frustrating to not want to do it with him. I find myself thinking about people on the street, movie stars anyone.
I don't know if i will ever see him the same way again after the issue and that is a bit scary.

PM me

[Anonymous]

As a DW, I believe there’s good discussion above on emotional needs by a woman....she speaks for me as well right down to how engaged my husband is with our kids makes me love him more. I find I respect my husband and think the world of him when he’s engaged in our life.
Good post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a DW, I believe there’s good discussion above on emotional needs by a woman....she speaks for me as well right down to how engaged my husband is with our kids makes me love him more. I find I respect my husband and think the world of him when he’s engaged in our life.
Good post

My spouse is an amazing dad to our kids but shitty husband. Rest assured an engaged father does not suddenly fix things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me.

I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us.

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.")

DP.. I think this is part of the problem. Husbands think the wives' needs are 1. put away dishes 2. do laundry... etc.... Those are needs, yes, but it's not just those specific things.

You are right.. it's hard to define. I guess I would say that as a wife, I want my husband to show that he loves his family by being engaged, and that means helping out and actively showing that he loves his family. That does translate to the mundane house chores, but if you only do it because your wife asked you to do it, then that's not showing you are actively engaged. Take an active role and not just do it half-a$$ because a lot of the times that comes across as "I don't care". And then there's the attitude when you do it or are asked to do it.

I know some men complain that their efforts are good enough and wives don't appreciate it when they don't do it the way she wants it done, and I guess I would say that perhaps when you get down to it, deep down maybe she feels that way because it's a reflection of you not really caring. Maybe it comes down to her insecurity about how you feel about your kids, and indirectly her. This is just my opinion. I don't know how other women feel.

My DH does a lot, but there were times in the past when I didn't feel he really loved being a dad to our kids, and by extension, that made me feel like he didn't love me. And that made me not want to have sex with him. It's taken me years to sort this out, I think. To me, how my DH treats his children is a reflection of how he feels about me.

NP here. And wow. I'm a woman and this resonated. I'm not actually very good figuring out my feelings, so this was helpful. My DH treats our child kind of crappy when he's feeling crappy about us, and that just sucks. I don't think he means to, but he does. I think he likes being a parent, but he could have done without it. So much so that when I got pregnant a second time, I ended up getting an abortion because he could not handle another child and I couldn't handle a partner who wasn't all in. And that has colored my opinion of him and feeling for him more than I knew it would. Forever. I know now that he doesn't really have our family's back. I think he mostly does, but I can't fully trust it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a DW, I believe there’s good discussion above on emotional needs by a woman....she speaks for me as well right down to how engaged my husband is with our kids makes me love him more. I find I respect my husband and think the world of him when he’s engaged in our life.
Good post

My spouse is an amazing dad to our kids but shitty husband. Rest assured an engaged father does not suddenly fix things.

I think it’s important for him to be engaged in our life and a big part of it is kids. It’s not the only thing as you said but a big part of it. If he’s cheating or doesn’t do anything else for you, it doesn’t matter how great he is with kids. In a generally good marriage, it helps.

[Anonymous]

Face it men. IF you want your wife to want to get it on with you on the regular; you must lean into the family life. Enjoy being with her and the kids. Help out with chores, play with the kids, fill her car up with gas since you know she has been running erands all day. Etc etc.
It is really as simple as being a good, solid partner who doesn't take advantage of her.

My DH surprised me by handling the oil change in our car (i drive it so i typically schedule and do) for a day h e had off work. He got one heluva BJ that night i was so turned on (he loves bjs)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face it men. IF you want your wife to want to get it on with you on the regular; you must lean into the family life. Enjoy being with her and the kids. Help out with chores, play with the kids, fill her car up with gas since you know she has been running erands all day. Etc etc.
It is really as simple as being a good, solid partner who doesn't take advantage of her.

My DH surprised me by handling the oil change in our car (i drive it so i typically schedule and do) for a day h e had off work. He got one heluva BJ that night i was so turned on (he loves bjs)

Face it women. If you expect your husband to do "special family stuff" that's (honestly) high on YOUR list but low on HIS, you need to bring some energy into the bedroom. Be proactive! Initiate! It really is that simple. Men need sex... way more often than you do. Give us what we need, you get what you need. Deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face it men. IF you want your wife to want to get it on with you on the regular; you must lean into the family life. Enjoy being with her and the kids. Help out with chores, play with the kids, fill her car up with gas since you know she has been running erands all day. Etc etc.
It is really as simple as being a good, solid partner who doesn't take advantage of her.

My DH surprised me by handling the oil change in our car (i drive it so i typically schedule and do) for a day h e had off work. He got one heluva BJ that night i was so turned on (he loves bjs)

You rock and your DH is lucky to have you. Yet, you would be surprised how many people do all these things and their spouses still aren't interested in sex. Not just men being denied, women too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face it men. IF you want your wife to want to get it on with you on the regular; you must lean into the family life. Enjoy being with her and the kids. Help out with chores, play with the kids, fill her car up with gas since you know she has been running erands all day. Etc etc.
It is really as simple as being a good, solid partner who doesn't take advantage of her.

My DH surprised me by handling the oil change in our car (i drive it so i typically schedule and do) for a day h e had off work. He got one heluva BJ that night i was so turned on (he loves bjs)

IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

Sorry for the all-caps, but I get tired of these "just so" stories. Being an engaged partner and parent certainly doesn't hurt anything and often helps, but there are lots of good spouses in low sex relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here, very high drive but I don't have sex with my wife. It's been 3 months, and it's not worth making a move because it will either be rejected or she will agree and be annoyed. Interestingly, after a while I really don't see her as sexual now although I can see her as attractive in a platonic way.

I am sure her lack of interest is a good combination of boredom and resentment but I don't take it personally. I get lots of attention from other women.

For now, I stay but in a few years when last kid is gone, I will leave.

Not to hijack the thread but this will not be easy on your kids even then.

So, you have other options for me? I often think cheating is the better option and you kinda confirm that.

Talk to your wife. Don’t lie to her. It’s one thing if there is an agreement. If your introspective enough to recognize her resentment and boredom, do something small for her to show you see her, recognize it, and want to help. If those things aren’t true, leave, but your next partner is going to have the same issues.

I'm not sure that's true. Many second relationships include lessons learned from past mistakes. I've seen first hand with my divorced parents. There was even a Post article about how we become the better people our exes wished we had with them.

[Anonymous]

My husband does help with housework and kids but I’m still not attracted to him. He does something daily to really turn me off. I keep thinking I should put out but I just don’t want to sleep with him. I just flat out don’t like him most days.