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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Me.
 
I feel resentful that I’m supposed to just get over my emotional needs. I’ve really tried to clearly ask for a few, small actions that would help. But he isn’t bothered, and honestly doesn’t seem that bothered by the lack of sex. Which feeds the cycle.

Sucks for both of us. 
[/quote]

What were the actions? If my wife started talking about "emotional needs," I'd kind of go blank since the concept seems fuzzy and undefined. But if she asked for me to do some specific things, I think I'd do them to make her happy. (And if they made her more interested in sex, so much the better.") [/quote]
DP.. I think this is part of the problem.  Husbands think the wives' needs are 1. put away dishes  2. do laundry... etc....  Those are needs, yes, but it's not just those specific things.

You are right.. it's hard to define. I guess I would say that as a wife, I want my husband to show that he loves his family by being engaged, and that means helping out and actively showing that he loves his family.  That does translate to the mundane house chores, but if you only do it because your wife asked you to do it, then that's not showing you are actively engaged. Take an active role and not just do it half-a$$ because a lot of the times that comes across as "I don't care".  And then there's the attitude when you do it or are asked to do it.

I know some men complain that their efforts are good enough and wives don't appreciate it when they don't do it the way she wants it done, and I guess I would say that perhaps when you get down to it, deep down maybe she feels that way because it's a reflection of you not really caring. Maybe it comes down to her insecurity about how you feel about your kids, and indirectly her.  This is just my opinion.  I don't know how other women feel.

My DH does a lot, but there were times in the past when I didn't feel he really loved being a dad to our kids, and by extension, that made me feel like he didn't love me.  And that made me not want to have sex with him.  It's taken me years to sort this out, I think.  To me, how my DH treats his children is a reflection of how he feels about me.  [/quote]

NP - guy here and I really do appreciate what you wrote and the thoughtfulness behind it.  That said though, unless a guy has an EQ off the charts (and even then, there are limits) there is no reasonable way for any man to figure this out.  And what works for/triggers you is likely completely different for the next woman.  And I also would imagine that some of this has developed over the years (the linking of his treatment of your kids = love for you) as that wasn't an issue prior to having children/an earlier phase of your relationship and marriage.  Meaning, this is dynamic and fluid instead of static and that it really becomes a guessing game of sorts.[/quote]
PP here.. you are right.  I think even for women it's probably hard to express what it is they really want and need (and not the immediate need of doing the laundry). Like I said, it's taken me years (like 10?) to figure this out.  Yes, the triggers could be different, and women do need to figure out what the real issue is, but even if they did that, and they communicated that to the husband, would it be well received or would he tell her she's being ridiculous?

And yes, of course, prior to our children the dynamic was different.  I knew he loved me because of the way he treated me.  I was his whole world, but in the same token, he was the only person I had to please.  When we had kids, I didn't expect him to treat me the *exact* same way because our lives had changed. Similarly, I could not cater to his needs the same way I did before we had kids.

I think this is why they say communication is key.  I'm not the best communicator (I certainly did not have good role models).  And another adage.. actions speak louder than words. What do you do to show that you love your wife?    A while ago some guy (I assume it's a guy) posted a picture of what he did for his wife after she had worked long hours and was coming home late. He had the kids fed and bathed, and a hot bath with a glass of wine (and a vibrator) waiting for her. Now, that's what you call action.[/quote]

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