If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

This.

Plus way too many women are afraid of interrupting, or joining in or just generally putting them self out there over and over to the same group. It's like if other moms don't fawn over you then you just stand back and act like you are being ignored.

And then there is the complaint of showing up once, no one went out of their way to be overly excited to greet you, so now they are all mean and stuck up and you are never going back!

Making friends takes time, and maybe a lot of time, like a year +. You are too old to be fawned over. Join in conversations, introduce yourself when you don't know someone and realize that all those tiny conversations and chit chat add up so don't avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of these types of moms in my town (wealthy suburb of Boston) and they all pretend to have no idea they are adult versions of mean girl high school cliques. None of them work, or off they do it is some sort of pyramid side-line type thing selling crap (Rodan and Fields, Beauty Counter, Young Living Essential Oils, etc.). They post constantly on social media anytime they are out with their squad to make sure everyone who wasn't invited can see their post and feel crappy about it. They do the same when their kids have birthdays or special events and love to post pictures of their kid surrounded by their "BFFs" and make comments like "This sweet kid had the BEST birthday ever with her BFFs. #soblessed" Gag. It's ridiculous. What they don't realize is there are so many wonderful., grounded, REAL women who are the exact opposite of this nonsense who know exactly what they are doing. I am so thankful I found a good crew here because when I first moved here 12 years ago I was like WTF?!? Now I just see them and their nonsense and roll my eyes and laugh.

This is spot on! I'm always amazed to watch when a desperate mom tries to work her way into the circle. You can watch it unfold over social media and it never ends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

This.

Plus way too many women are afraid of interrupting, or joining in or just generally putting them self out there over and over to the same group. It's like if other moms don't fawn over you then you just stand back and act like you are being ignored.

And then there is the complaint of showing up once, no one went out of their way to be overly excited to greet you, so now they are all mean and stuck up and you are never going back!

Making friends takes time, and maybe a lot of time, like a year +. You are too old to be fawned over. Join in conversations, introduce yourself when you don't know someone and realize that all those tiny conversations and chit chat add up so don't avoid.

I think we are talking apples and oranges. I agree with what you wrote. I’m not OP, but I can relate to her post entirely. There are people I know that although I’ve met them multiple times (and yes I do introduce myself even multiple times!) will pass by me without eye contact or a hello but clearly they have seen me. Now, I’m not ms social butterfly but I’m not horribly boring/without friends. I don’t have designer clothes or handbags or an expensive car but although I am sure their material belongings cost more than mine I look much better than they do (I know that sounds horrible but it’s true). And I certainly have a position in the community and $$ equal or greater than theirs (again, I flinch when I write that bc it again sounds horrible snobby but again true). My only conclusion is that some people are just rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

+ 1

They're the SAHM equivalent of people who are constantly looking over your shoulder at networking events. If you can't do anything for them, they're outta there.

Yes, I was going to post something similar. I don’t really bother with trying to make any “mom friends” anymore. I notice a mom at my kids sport practice(these kids are 5-6 years old) , all year she’s been trying to become friends with this one mom (inviting her kid for play dates in front of everyone , buying her an expensive gift for her birthday and bringing it to practice and presenting it in front of everyone (when this mom had a huge birthday party for this child and she did not invite this mom’s kid or mine, but did invite some of the team,but I saw it on social media.) She’s always trying to take photos of her daughter with this mom’s kid and calling them “best friends” even though they don’t even seem to particularly like each other from what I can see. I remember one time my daughter was sitting on the sidelines of this photo finding her shoes in one of the cubbies and she told her to move out of their way for the picture! I’ve noticed she just latches on to this mom because she thinks she’s going to advance her socially but this woman doesn’t seem to feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

This.

Plus way too many women are afraid of interrupting, or joining in or just generally putting them self out there over and over to the same group. It's like if other moms don't fawn over you then you just stand back and act like you are being ignored.

And then there is the complaint of showing up once, no one went out of their way to be overly excited to greet you, so now they are all mean and stuck up and you are never going back!

Making friends takes time, and maybe a lot of time, like a year +. You are too old to be fawned over. Join in conversations, introduce yourself when you don't know someone and realize that all those tiny conversations and chit chat add up so don't avoid.

I think we are talking apples and oranges. I agree with what you wrote. I’m not OP, but I can relate to her post entirely. There are people I know that although I’ve met them multiple times (and yes I do introduce myself even multiple times!) will pass by me without eye contact or a hello but clearly they have seen me. Now, I’m not ms social butterfly but I’m not horribly boring/without friends. I don’t have designer clothes or handbags or an expensive car but although I am sure their material belongings cost more than mine I look much better than they do (I know that sounds horrible but it’s true). And I certainly have a position in the community and $$ equal or greater than theirs (again, I flinch when I write that bc it again sounds horrible snobby but again true). My only conclusion is that some people are just rude.

DP here. I agree. The same Rude Moms who use gossip as "currency", because they know that is all they have - they have nothing else to offer, and their gossip is usually completely inaccurate, so their "currency" is bad, anyway. Hilarious - like they have to have someone to look down on, or they lose their alleged "rank" - which they don't have anyway, but they are too dense too realize. They know they are completely dispensable, and about one cocktail party away from being at the bottom of the pile. To top it off, the other Rude Moms talk about each other when one is not present. Then the Rude Moms have the audacity to look at the Nice Moms like "what is she doing here" - please girl, I could buy and sell you at a discount. The Nice Moms are missing absolutely nothing.

Rude Moms make complete asses of themselves, and they don't even know it. Pathetic wannabes. They usually have vocal fry, the latest handbag, look right through the other moms (who they nothing about), and pretend they are oblivious - of course they are not, it is so obvious, it is laughable. Give me Nice Moms who have an actual personality, their own interests, their own style, are not total followers, are not socially stunted, and refuse to engage in gossip, any day.

Why on earth would anyone want to be associated or be seen with the pathetic Rude Moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of these types of moms in my town (wealthy suburb of Boston) and they all pretend to have no idea they are adult versions of mean girl high school cliques. None of them work, or off they do it is some sort of pyramid side-line type thing selling crap (Rodan and Fields, Beauty Counter, Young Living Essential Oils, etc.). They post constantly on social media anytime they are out with their squad to make sure everyone who wasn't invited can see their post and feel crappy about it. They do the same when their kids have birthdays or special events and love to post pictures of their kid surrounded by their "BFFs" and make comments like "This sweet kid had the BEST birthday ever with her BFFs. #soblessed" Gag. It's ridiculous. What they don't realize is there are so many wonderful., grounded, REAL women who are the exact opposite of this nonsense who know exactly what they are doing. I am so thankful I found a good crew here because when I first moved here 12 years ago I was like WTF?!? Now I just see them and their nonsense and roll my eyes and laugh.

This is spot on! I'm always amazed to watch when a desperate mom tries to work her way into the circle. You can watch it unfold over social media and it never ends well.

The fawning over the Queen Rude Mom is hilarious - they should be embarrassed, but are too stupid to be.

[Anonymous]

The Social Engineering Rude Mom is the most pathetic. Gives living vicariously w whole nw meaning!

[Anonymous]

Oh, the social climbers. Runs rampant in my NoVa suburb. Women who grovel and cling to other women who will help them achieve Popular Mom and adjacent Popular Kid status.
Are you a semi-public figure? Advertise in the football program? Have a prestigious career? Let's hang and have Happy Hours and throw parties for each other and take trips and drink and overshare about it all on social media!

We can join the same country club! Our kids can hang and be at the Happy Hours and play on the same teams and go to parties and drink and overshare about it all on social media, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, the social climbers. Runs rampant in my NoVa suburb. Women who grovel and cling to other women who will help them achieve Popular Mom and adjacent Popular Kid status.
Are you a semi-public figure? Advertise in the football program? Have a prestigious career? Let's hang and have Happy Hours and throw parties for each other and take trips and drink and overshare about it all on social media!

We can join the same country club! Our kids can hang and be at the Happy Hours and play on the same teams and go to parties and drink and overshare about it all on social media, too!

+1

Mic drop.

Or the people you thought were your friends, but they get unreasonable over something they overthought in their head, but (of course) didn't actually talk to you about - and you found out their true colors, so they come across as jealous, backward, social climbers - so no thank you. Interesting they can never be happy for you but they always have some (usually home renovation related or similar) drama. Too much work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Social Engineering Rude Mom is the most pathetic. Gives living vicariously w whole nw meaning!

a whole new

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

People who are raised with manners understand that there's such a thing as social obligation. If you are a guest at a dinner party, you have a social obligation to make polite conversation with the people around you and not sit like a bump on a log. If you are in a group of people most of whom know each other and there are one or two people who clearly don't know the group, you have a social obligation to include them. If you are in a circle of people talking and someone else walks up, you have a social obligation to expand the circle to include them. You don't have to become friends, you don't have to ever see them again, but you observe social niceties. This kind of thing seems lost on many northerners.

You had me until northerners -- because I thought the rudeness was a southern thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure you’ll escape this anywhere. Public school ptas have those moms. Neighborhoods of all types have those moms.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.

Like what?

Just one small example, I like to make really nice gift baskets to the sister school we support. If your donation is just sad cast-offs, I don't really think we'll be great pals.

I have nice stuff ... like this donated gift basket.

LOL. "Nice stuff" can't buy you a personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure you’ll escape this anywhere. Public school ptas have those moms. Neighborhoods of all types have those moms.

+1

I’m at a relatively fancy elementary and our PTA is run by super-frumps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes these moms have a million friends and it never crosses their mind that you don’t also have lots of friends and a super busy life.

There is a queen bee mom in my neighborhood who is nice to me, but is never going to invite me to something sans kids. There is a large group of moms in my neighborhood who have a monthly get together they call “club night”. I was invited once and I went. I thought I was fun and interesting, but I was never invited again. Queen bee mentions “club” all the time. Like “oh do you know Larla? She is in club too”. I don’t know how she doesn’t realize that A) I’m not in their club B) it’s hurtful every time she reminds me that apparently all of the friendships and social organizing in the neighborhood formed 2 years before we bought our house and that no many how many things I volunteer for, I will never break in.

This sounds incredibly hurtful pp, I'm sorry. Is there any possibility it wasn't intentional to "not invite" again? is just kind of a regular thing but you weren't on the regular list yet? It seems so odd and mean. Maybe they think you aren't interested? ugh sorry I guess I'm just making excuses for mean girls it's just hard to imagine adults being so outwardly obtuse. I hope you find your people soon!

Thanks - I do think it is unintentional. A different person hosts each month so I went once when a woman I know from preschool invited me. Only to arrive and see half the neighborhood. Whoever hosted next maybe doesn’t know me, and so I never got folded in. It is hurtful only because I do occasionally socialize with several members of the club independently - having them over for dinner or hosting a play date. If I knew they disliked me it would be easier to get over. But they are nice to me walking back from school drop off and make an effort to coordinate kid stuff with me once and a while. So it’s more that I’m disposable / forgettable rather than disliked. For some reason that hurts more.