If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Ok, I'll bite since you don't seem to understand that people are telling the truth about minding their own business and having their own friends.

I can be perceived as a mean mom because I have a well-established group of friends who I enjoy hanging out with and whose kids are my friends' kids. I also have a job, two kids who have lots of activities, and a husband who travels a fair amount for work. The truth is that I have absolutely no bandwidth for any more friends, although I'm happy to say hello to anyone. But on the rare occasions that I come to pick up or go to a school event, I want to talk to my friends, who I miss and feel like I don't see often enough. I don't want to talk to Larla who I don't even know and don't have time to be friends with.

If I seem standoffish, it is because I don't feel like making stupid small talk with someone I don't want to get to know better. At this point in my life, I have enough friends and can't possibly make room for any more. And maybe, yes, you are awkard, or annoying, or have rubbed me the wrong way somehow at some point. Why would we want to get to know each other in this case? Find your own friends who don't find you uninteresting or abrasive, or whatever. Find people who actually want to find friends, not people like me who are up to their ears in life and can't handle one more relationship. I'm positive that I myself have rubbed people the wrong way, or haven't made the best impression and then haven't become friends with them. But guess what? I'm not obsessing over it on DCUM. I've moved on and found my own group of supportive, nice friends.

Do you have any idea how rotten this is?

+1

There's a HUGE gap between completely ignoring someone new and investing in long conversations with the intention of becoming friends.

In between those two extremes is . . . wait for it . . . being kind . . . by looking at someone and warmly saying hi to them when you see them.

This costs you absolutely nothing and is not some sign that you're open to being someone's new best friend. Nor does it in any way mean you're now responsible for them or that they're now on your "To Do" list of obligations or relationships.

It's literally just conjuring a smile and a greeting.

And by the way, so what if you find someone uninteresting or abrasive? Again, I get that you don't want to be that person's friend. But is it actually a reason to shun them? How hard is it really to look someone in the eye and say hi with a smile?

Even someone with minimal social skills knows how to do this. And if small talk isn't your thing, it's fine. Keep it simple. Maybe you really will have to ask them a question about their kid or the shared activity or event where you've run into each other. You can do that, I'm sure.

None of this is a commitment to friendship - it's just being polite. For those who see these things in a purely transactional way, my experience is that it costs absolutely nothing to be warm and friendly. It's easy, it brings kindness to the situation, and there's no risk of getting sucked in if you know how to keep it light. People get that. They just want to be treated as human beings -- not your BFF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently encountered a group of mean moms at our school play. I usually don’t give them much thought but their behavior took me back to middle school when the ringleader saved the front row of seats for her and her minion moms and told anyone other parents who tried to sit in those seats that they were taken for her friends. When they ran out of space, she had some of them sit on the floor by her feet so they all at had a front row view.

A mom did this at a Bingo fundraiser a few years back. When I approached with my family and a few other school families, i was told i was not allowed to sit there. Oh really? I just sat down and let her stew about it the rest of the evening. Not my problem.

You're awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I really appreciate others who have shared their stories or the ones that brought to the surface the gaslighting responses. I do believe as one of the first posters said that the mean mom attitude is more pervasive in some places more than others. I think our school does for various reasons attract social climbers. We chose the school because it was close and small. Thinking of re-evaluating.

I wish one mean mom would come out and be honest about why they are mean. I’ve read ever single response so far. Thanks for the supportive responses which have been really helpful. The ones posted by the mean moms who either blame the targets or claim they are clueless are hysterical.

I have my own friends butI just can’t fathom why someone won’t look at me. It’s so bizarre and hurtful.

It's quite possible they have $hit social skills or even social anxiety. Not that it excuses rudeness, of course. But I know a bunch of people who seem normal/socially confident but are not. They've just found their way into a group where they feel safe and comfortable so they stick exclusively with those people they already know.

The people I'm thinking about happen to be really judgmental -- of other people, yes, but also of themselves. It's probably a big part of the social anxiety -- they assume everyone else is judging them (and each other) the way they're judging themselves and others. It's a dark view of human nature and friendship, and it causes some people to stick with the crowd they know and exclude everyone else.

To state the obvious, you're so much better off without all that silliness. Assume other people have issues (we all do . . . ) and find people who are easy to be with. There are plenty out there -- you just need to keep looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Ok, I'll bite since you don't seem to understand that people are telling the truth about minding their own business and having their own friends.

I can be perceived as a mean mom because I have a well-established group of friends who I enjoy hanging out with and whose kids are my friends' kids. I also have a job, two kids who have lots of activities, and a husband who travels a fair amount for work. The truth is that I have absolutely no bandwidth for any more friends, although I'm happy to say hello to anyone. But on the rare occasions that I come to pick up or go to a school event, I want to talk to my friends, who I miss and feel like I don't see often enough. I don't want to talk to Larla who I don't even know and don't have time to be friends with.

If I seem standoffish, it is because I don't feel like making stupid small talk with someone I don't want to get to know better. At this point in my life, I have enough friends and can't possibly make room for any more. And maybe, yes, you are awkard, or annoying, or have rubbed me the wrong way somehow at some point. Why would we want to get to know each other in this case? Find your own friends who don't find you uninteresting or abrasive, or whatever. Find people who actually want to find friends, not people like me who are up to their ears in life and can't handle one more relationship. I'm positive that I myself have rubbed people the wrong way, or haven't made the best impression and then haven't become friends with them. But guess what? I'm not obsessing over it on DCUM. I've moved on and found my own group of supportive, nice friends.

Do you have any idea how rotten this is?

^^Agree. Very rotten. To the mom who wrote this, you must have missed the memo that most people find it boring and interesting hearing someone drone on and on about how busy they are or how many friends they have.

[Anonymous]

Oops uninteresting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I really appreciate others who have shared their stories or the ones that brought to the surface the gaslighting responses. I do believe as one of the first posters said that the mean mom attitude is more pervasive in some places more than others. I think our school does for various reasons attract social climbers. We chose the school because it was close and small. Thinking of re-evaluating.

I wish one mean mom would come out and be honest about why they are mean. I’ve read ever single response so far. Thanks for the supportive responses which have been really helpful. The ones posted by the mean moms who either blame the targets or claim they are clueless are hysterical.

I have my own friends butI just can’t fathom why someone won’t look at me. It’s so bizarre and hurtful.

It's quite possible they have $hit social skills or even social anxiety. Not that it excuses rudeness, of course. But I know a bunch of people who seem normal/socially confident but are not. They've just found their way into a group where they feel safe and comfortable so they stick exclusively with those people they already know.

The people I'm thinking about happen to be really judgmental -- of other people, yes, but also of themselves. It's probably a big part of the social anxiety -- they assume everyone else is judging them (and each other) the way they're judging themselves and others. It's a dark view of human nature and friendship, and it causes some people to stick with the crowd they know and exclude everyone else.

To state the obvious, you're so much better off without all that silliness. Assume other people have issues (we all do . . . ) and find people who are easy to be with. There are plenty out there -- you just need to keep looking.

Friends are not supposed to be a chore, OP - look for your people, and you will find them.

[Anonymous]

Have you noticed if the mean moms have bullies for kids?

[Anonymous]

To 90% of the posters here, seriously most of this is in your own head. Very, very few grown women with families care about their social ranking, or even still even CONSIDER it. How do any of you even have time to care about this shit? Everyone I know suffers through kid’s school functions with the same exhausted boredom, they do not create some kind of weird made-up redemption zone from adolescence. Please, move
On.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.

Me too! Designer clothes! An expensive car! Huge well decorated house! Desirable zip code! Great hair! Use a lot of exclamation points! Squeal when I see friends!

I hope you drive a Suburban.

Of course! It has to be Suburban! They're the greatest! I love mine!

Me too! And now that I'm 50+ and divorced (my husband left me for a colleague, can you imagine that?), I can't control everything anymore. Like my expanding backside and thinning pale blonde hair. But I love my Suburban - so big and comfy. Everyone gets out of my way, especially when I'm really driving angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Me too, to this entire thread. I’m done. I have a core group of friends I’ve made and I don’t have time or desire for any more. I threw a huge Halloween party every year and realized after year 4 (yes, I can’t believe it took that long either) to realize 75% of the people I only saw at Halloween.
I am not open to making new friends, I’m content with my circle, and probably could be called a mean unfriendly mom because no, I don’t want to be your friend.

But, you could at least be pleasant. I don't think I'd want to be your friend either!

Exactly. I have 3 middle schoolers on 3 travel sports teams and a full time job and husband who travels and I barely make it through many weeks. I really have no time to meet new friends. However, I always say hi to people I pass in hallways, I'm friendly on soccer sidelines, etc. OP is talking about moms who won't acknowledge the existence of other people who they don't deem important enough. And mostly these moms (the socially aggressive ones) have the most free time. They're not socially aggressive because they're busy and harried--quite the opposite.

Yes to all of this! I live in an area of mostly SAHM even to kids in MS and HS. Their behavior is exhausting.

Yers, yes, yes.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really know any “social aggressive moms”, or “clique-y moms” or “mean girl moms” for that matter. Do adults like this truly exist? I think some adults are just oblivious. Or self-absorbed.

More commonly I see adults who are socially awkward, extreme introverts, overly sensitive (OP?) or just insecure people who project their issues into others. Which is understandable. I have compassion for those people, and I often reach out to them. I do get aggravated though when they start name calling and looking to blame others for their own issues.

[Anonymous]

Went to a breast cancer run this weekend and watched a 70 year old blonde southern mean girl save a whole table at the finish line picnic for her girlfriends while other women with sore feet stood due to a lack of seating, then text all her girlfriends to let them know she got a table, etc. You bitches never grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I really appreciate others who have shared their stories or the ones that brought to the surface the gaslighting responses. I do believe as one of the first posters said that the mean mom attitude is more pervasive in some places more than others. I think our school does for various reasons attract social climbers. We chose the school because it was close and small. Thinking of re-evaluating.

I wish one mean mom would come out and be honest about why they are mean. I’ve read ever single response so far. Thanks for the supportive responses which have been really helpful. The ones posted by the mean moms who either blame the targets or claim they are clueless are hysterical.

I have my own friends butI just can’t fathom why someone won’t look at me. It’s so bizarre and hurtful.

It's quite possible they have $hit social skills or even social anxiety. Not that it excuses rudeness, of course. But I know a bunch of people who seem normal/socially confident but are not. They've just found their way into a group where they feel safe and comfortable so they stick exclusively with those people they already know.

The people I'm thinking about happen to be really judgmental -- of other people, yes, but also of themselves. It's probably a big part of the social anxiety -- they assume everyone else is judging them (and each other) the way they're judging themselves and others. It's a dark view of human nature and friendship, and it causes some people to stick with the crowd they know and exclude everyone else.

To state the obvious, you're so much better off without all that silliness. Assume other people have issues (we all do . . . ) and find people who are easy to be with. There are plenty out there -- you just need to keep looking.

This actually makes a lot of sense and feeds into a situation I'm familiar with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Went to a breast cancer run this weekend and watched a 70 year old blonde southern mean girl save a whole table at the finish line picnic for her girlfriends while other women with sore feet stood due to a lack of seating, then text all her girlfriends to let them know she got a table, etc. You bitches never grow up.

Oh, I would have sat my ass right down, popped my shoes off & put my sore, swollen feet right up on the table too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my kids school some of these moms hashtag their designer clothes in their social media posts and if their kids are wearing designer, those get a hashtag too. Ex) having so much fun at the pumpkin patch#louisvitton #lululemon#gucci#moncler. These people live empty lives. No need to associate with them.

This is hilarious! I've never seen or heard nothing like this. Do adult people really do things like that?