If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I'm very glad I'm an introvert. And an adult.

This all sounds positively exhausting.

[Anonymous]

What exactly does it mean to be socially aggressive? Aggressive to me implies imposing yourself on others, but what you seem to describe is the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re at a private international school overseas, and I’m sure some people would lump me in with the clique-y moms. I spend a lot of time with a core group of women who have been here for decades and welcomed me into expat life over here. We are also in our location for the long run.

Many other families come & go every year, and I’ve found it too exhausting to invest time in building a friendship with someone who only has a 1 or 2 year time horizon. While I’m polite to new families, it won’t go further than banal chatter unless it is clear that they are also making a commitment to stay.

Right, but you will make banal chatter and be open if you find common interests (is staying long term). . That’s manners.

Not OP but I recognize what she is talking about. There are several moms I’ve met over the years that ignore me (and many others so it’s not just me they don’t like!) to focus on those they think are influential for some reason or another. Certainly no idle chit chat when events bring us to the same space - often they don’t even make eye contact when passing those they don’t see worthy (they know us for sure so it’s not that they don’t recognize us). It’s weird to me - I don’t need these people to be my friends at all but the outright rudeness is just so strange. And again, it’s not just me. I’m not the most vivacious / outgoing person in the world so if it was only me I’d figure I was just too boring for them but it’s multiple people. And it’s not like they are wealthier or better looking, more in shape, better connected, better career etc. it’s just weird!

What I think it truly is - people like this base their self worth on being near who they perceive as being socially acceptable. We know many families like this in our neighborhood. One, in particular, is exactly like this and their house is the one where all of the parties are happening because she is out banging her much younger boyfriend (dumped the rich husband because he worked too much). So trust me OP - you are not missing out. Even if you were included the friendship would be superficial and not reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Me too, to this entire thread. I’m done. I have a core group of friends I’ve made and I don’t have time or desire for any more. I threw a huge Halloween party every year and realized after year 4 (yes, I can’t believe it took that long either) to realize 75% of the people I only saw at Halloween.
I am not open to making new friends, I’m content with my circle, and probably could be called a mean unfriendly mom because no, I don’t want to be your friend.

But, you could at least be pleasant. I don't think I'd want to be your friend either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Me too, to this entire thread. I’m done. I have a core group of friends I’ve made and I don’t have time or desire for any more. I threw a huge Halloween party every year and realized after year 4 (yes, I can’t believe it took that long either) to realize 75% of the people I only saw at Halloween.
I am not open to making new friends, I’m content with my circle, and probably could be called a mean unfriendly mom because no, I don’t want to be your friend.

But, you could at least be pleasant. I don't think I'd want to be your friend either!

Exactly. I have 3 middle schoolers on 3 travel sports teams and a full time job and husband who travels and I barely make it through many weeks. I really have no time to meet new friends. However, I always say hi to people I pass in hallways, I'm friendly on soccer sidelines, etc. OP is talking about moms who won't acknowledge the existence of other people who they don't deem important enough. And mostly these moms (the socially aggressive ones) have the most free time. They're not socially aggressive because they're busy and harried--quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Please define “socially aggressive.”

I think socially aggressive is maybe a misnomer on OP's part. It reads to me like she is describing the classic "Queen Bee" clique - the moms who never outgrew being part of the bullying "popular" group in High School.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

+ 1

They're the SAHM equivalent of people who are constantly looking over your shoulder at networking events. If you can't do anything for them, they're outta there.

[Anonymous]

You can definitely tell who the socially aggressive moms are in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I have given up being the friendly, chatty, welcoming neighbor.

I used to say hi and chit chat at the kids' bus stop. I used to bring a note and a gift basket through our HOA to personally welcome new neighbors. I used to say hello at our kids' sporting events, even start a conversation.
I've even house sat during a funeral, delivered sympathy cards, helped two neighbors pack up and move, hosted impromptu play dates when a parent was unexpectedly unable to get kid from school.

I feel used. Not one of these people I attempted to befriend or displayed general kindness ever responded, or reciprocated or called or I'd guess, appreciated or cared. So, I'm done. There's a neighborhood group like the Club PP mentioned. I'm not a part of it.

And now I'll wave at you as I drive past. Don't know any of the people who have moved in recently.

Am I socially aggressive? Maybe, but providing perspective here. I don't want to bother attempting to establish a friendship when basic kindnesses are dismissed.

Me too, to this entire thread. I’m done. I have a core group of friends I’ve made and I don’t have time or desire for any more. I threw a huge Halloween party every year and realized after year 4 (yes, I can’t believe it took that long either) to realize 75% of the people I only saw at Halloween.
I am not open to making new friends, I’m content with my circle, and probably could be called a mean unfriendly mom because no, I don’t want to be your friend.

But, you could at least be pleasant. I don't think I'd want to be your friend either!

Exactly. I have 3 middle schoolers on 3 travel sports teams and a full time job and husband who travels and I barely make it through many weeks. I really have no time to meet new friends. However, I always say hi to people I pass in hallways, I'm friendly on soccer sidelines, etc. OP is talking about moms who won't acknowledge the existence of other people who they don't deem important enough. And mostly these moms (the socially aggressive ones) have the most free time. They're not socially aggressive because they're busy and harried--quite the opposite.

Precisely, and their self worth is all tied up in their special worlds and keeping the perceived social climbing marauders out, lol. I honestly feel really sorry for them. I am still shocked by some of the behavior myself, ultimately because I cannot conceive of the deep insecurity at its base. OP, give them a wide berth, don't make eye contact, and find your own people. They are there. Celebrate that. And reach out to others who are new to pay it forward for someone else.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of these types of moms in my town (wealthy suburb of Boston) and they all pretend to have no idea they are adult versions of mean girl high school cliques. None of them work, or off they do it is some sort of pyramid side-line type thing selling crap (Rodan and Fields, Beauty Counter, Young Living Essential Oils, etc.). They post constantly on social media anytime they are out with their squad to make sure everyone who wasn't invited can see their post and feel crappy about it. They do the same when their kids have birthdays or special events and love to post pictures of their kid surrounded by their "BFFs" and make comments like "This sweet kid had the BEST birthday ever with her BFFs. #soblessed" Gag. It's ridiculous. What they don't realize is there are so many wonderful., grounded, REAL women who are the exact opposite of this nonsense who know exactly what they are doing. I am so thankful I found a good crew here because when I first moved here 12 years ago I was like WTF?!? Now I just see them and their nonsense and roll my eyes and laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

+ 1

They're the SAHM equivalent of people who are constantly looking over your shoulder at networking events. If you can't do anything for them, they're outta there.

+1

OP, you do not want to sit at their table, because they are still in high school - and I liked high school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of these types of moms in my town (wealthy suburb of Boston) and they all pretend to have no idea they are adult versions of mean girl high school cliques. None of them work, or off they do it is some sort of pyramid side-line type thing selling crap (Rodan and Fields, Beauty Counter, Young Living Essential Oils, etc.). They post constantly on social media anytime they are out with their squad to make sure everyone who wasn't invited can see their post and feel crappy about it. They do the same when their kids have birthdays or special events and love to post pictures of their kid surrounded by their "BFFs" and make comments like "This sweet kid had the BEST birthday ever with her BFFs. #soblessed" Gag. It's ridiculous. What they don't realize is there are so many wonderful., grounded, REAL women who are the exact opposite of this nonsense who know exactly what they are doing. I am so thankful I found a good crew here because when I first moved here 12 years ago I was like WTF?!? Now I just see them and their nonsense and roll my eyes and laugh.

Really? I know people who grew up in wealthy suburbs of Boston (there are a lot of them!) and they really enjoyed it, while not buying into the pretentious crap. Of course, their families have been there for generations, so there is that - they are not going to take anyone's crap. As for the D.C. area, not many people have been here "generations" and those who have don't usually brag about it, because this area was basically a modest government town, and it is relatively new, as of WW II.

OP needs to ignore the rude people, because that is exactly what they deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

You win the internet today. This x a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

OP, question: do those women LOOK happy to you??

Of course not!!

Stay away, your world will continue to get better and better, and the rotten women will still be spinning their wheels.