If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes these moms have a million friends and it never crosses their mind that you don’t also have lots of friends and a super busy life.

There is a queen bee mom in my neighborhood who is nice to me, but is never going to invite me to something sans kids. There is a large group of moms in my neighborhood who have a monthly get together they call “club night”. I was invited once and I went. I thought I was fun and interesting, but I was never invited again. Queen bee mentions “club” all the time. Like “oh do you know Larla? She is in club too”. I don’t know how she doesn’t realize that A) I’m not in their club B) it’s hurtful every time she reminds me that apparently all of the friendships and social organizing in the neighborhood formed 2 years before we bought our house and that no many how many things I volunteer for, I will never break in.

This sounds incredibly hurtful pp, I'm sorry. Is there any possibility it wasn't intentional to "not invite" again? is just kind of a regular thing but you weren't on the regular list yet? It seems so odd and mean. Maybe they think you aren't interested? ugh sorry I guess I'm just making excuses for mean girls it's just hard to imagine adults being so outwardly obtuse. I hope you find your people soon!

Thanks - I do think it is unintentional. A different person hosts each month so I went once when a woman I know from preschool invited me. Only to arrive and see half the neighborhood. Whoever hosted next maybe doesn’t know me, and so I never got folded in. It is hurtful only because I do occasionally socialize with several members of the club independently - having them over for dinner or hosting a play date. If I knew they disliked me it would be easier to get over. But they are nice to me walking back from school drop off and make an effort to coordinate kid stuff with me once and a while. So it’s more that I’m disposable / forgettable rather than disliked. For some reason that hurts more.

Oh yes, this is a thing - you are not imagining this, OP. Usually it is that one byotch chimes in, who has an unjustified/unsubstantiated/inaccurate "opinion" of you, whether or not she has actually talked to you ever, or knows the first thing about you. See: " I heard that she (did this or that outrageous and totally untrue thing here)..." Everyone knows who the head byotch is....

I know someone in a neighborhood where there is the same annual "party" (using the term loosely, it kind of sucks, IRL - from experience, but people feel an obligation), and in spite of living two doors away, she is never invited, so now she just leaves town and does her own thing, which is much more fun. Some women are hollow inside and like to think they are pulling rank of some sort, OP - it has nothing to do with you. They like to feel important in their own head, because their life basically sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people are users, OP. These women look at you and they don't immediately see how they can use you for anything, including social advancement or consolidation. So they don't bother with you.

That's the tea.

+ 1

They're the SAHM equivalent of people who are constantly looking over your shoulder at networking events. If you can't do anything for them, they're outta there.

Yes, I was going to post something similar. I don’t really bother with trying to make any “mom friends” anymore. I notice a mom at my kids sport practice(these kids are 5-6 years old) , all year she’s been trying to become friends with this one mom (inviting her kid for play dates in front of everyone , buying her an expensive gift for her birthday and bringing it to practice and presenting it in front of everyone (when this mom had a huge birthday party for this child and she did not invite this mom’s kid or mine, but did invite some of the team,but I saw it on social media.) She’s always trying to take photos of her daughter with this mom’s kid and calling them “best friends” even though they don’t even seem to particularly like each other from what I can see. I remember one time my daughter was sitting on the sidelines of this photo finding her shoes in one of the cubbies and she told her to move out of their way for the picture! I’ve noticed she just latches on to this mom because she thinks she’s going to advance her socially but this woman doesn’t seem to feel the same way.

Gymnastics moms, dance moms... we're not all like that but unfortunately the stereotypes exist for a reason. I'm always confused about what kind of social capital those moms hope to gain. It's all to what end? What's the point?

I feel sorry for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I really appreciate others who have shared their stories or the ones that brought to the surface the gaslighting responses. I do believe as one of the first posters said that the mean mom attitude is more pervasive in some places more than others. I think our school does for various reasons attract social climbers. We chose the school because it was close and small. Thinking of re-evaluating.

I wish one mean mom would come out and be honest about why they are mean. I’ve read ever single response so far. Thanks for the supportive responses which have been really helpful. The ones posted by the mean moms who either blame the targets or claim they are clueless are hysterical.

I have my own friends butI just can’t fathom why someone won’t look at me. It’s so bizarre and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

PP here - sorry for the grammatical errors. I just wanted to add - perfectly happy people are the ones I tend to stay away from. We have nothing in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

People who are raised with manners understand that there's such a thing as social obligation. If you are a guest at a dinner party, you have a social obligation to make polite conversation with the people around you and not sit like a bump on a log. If you are in a group of people most of whom know each other and there are one or two people who clearly don't know the group, you have a social obligation to include them. If you are in a circle of people talking and someone else walks up, you have a social obligation to expand the circle to include them. You don't have to become friends, you don't have to ever see them again, but you observe social niceties. This kind of thing seems lost on many northerners.

I don't think it is regional, it has to do with family upbringing, and, frankly, class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

PP here - sorry for the grammatical errors. I just wanted to add - perfectly happy people are the ones I tend to stay away from. We have nothing in common.

Maybe you are judging people as "perfectly happy" if they are just friendly, or have a different idea of manners than you. I try to understand that we are ALL fighting our own battles, and that NO ONE comes out of this life unscathed. No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

People who are raised with manners understand that there's such a thing as social obligation. If you are a guest at a dinner party, you have a social obligation to make polite conversation with the people around you and not sit like a bump on a log. If you are in a group of people most of whom know each other and there are one or two people who clearly don't know the group, you have a social obligation to include them. If you are in a circle of people talking and someone else walks up, you have a social obligation to expand the circle to include them. You don't have to become friends, you don't have to ever see them again, but you observe social niceties. This kind of thing seems lost on many northerners.

I don't think it is regional, it has to do with family upbringing, and, frankly, class.

+1

Dumpy=unfriendly/lack of manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I really appreciate others who have shared their stories or the ones that brought to the surface the gaslighting responses. I do believe as one of the first posters said that the mean mom attitude is more pervasive in some places more than others. I think our school does for various reasons attract social climbers. We chose the school because it was close and small. Thinking of re-evaluating.

I wish one mean mom would come out and be honest about why they are mean. I’ve read ever single response so far. Thanks for the supportive responses which have been really helpful. The ones posted by the mean moms who either blame the targets or claim they are clueless are hysterical.

I have my own friends butI just can’t fathom why someone won’t look at me. It’s so bizarre and hurtful.

Thanks for calling the rude moms out, OP - they totally deserve it. Clearly they were/are treated inferior in their own lives - to even know to act the way they do.

[Anonymous]

OP, mean moms think that nice or kind moms are naive and/or door mats. IRL, nice moms have seen more sh*t than mean moms, so nice moms know better. Mean moms' funerals are not going to be about how nice, good or kind they were!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

I do. If I make it that far. Usually I just wait for everyone else to be gone so I can have the real interactions with my friends. I don't dislike people but I'm also not searching for new connections. And I really don't like spilling the beans of my miserable life. It's just so much easer with people that already know and that understand. But yeah, I'm probably walking around at school like a very ignorant person not knowing faces or names etc. Or not paying attention in general.

PP here - sorry for the grammatical errors. I just wanted to add - perfectly happy people are the ones I tend to stay away from. We have nothing in common.

Maybe you are judging people as "perfectly happy" if they are just friendly, or have a different idea of manners than you. I try to understand that we are ALL fighting our own battles, and that NO ONE comes out of this life unscathed. No one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll only add that sometimes if you do get into those circles you’ll want to run for your life. I felt like you did the first year or so I was in a small(er) private school. Over the next year or so I became closer friends with one or two of the moms in that group and was then invited to some of the larger get togethers. I came to find that they were all a little messed up-some have super unhappy marriages, some had serious drinking issues and there was just quite a bit of fake ness going on. It made me very happy that I had my own good friends to actually hang out with.
I’ll also say that this behavior is much, much worse at the younger grades. I found it much worse at a K-8 than our new school that goes through 12th. At the K-8, a group of families seemed to be involved in everything and coincidentally were also the biggest donors. As they get older there’s a lot less involvement in the kids socializing and there are fewer in school opportunities as well. The donors are still out there but it can’t really buy them the same status at school.
If your kid is happy, stay for a bit. See how it pans out.

Oh and for your question about why they do it? Insecurity. They’re part of the group and you coming in can threaten their friendships and place in the community. If your school is like our old one, it’s because you don’t have a name, money or cool hook. But your cool hook is that you’re a way better person than they are so just go with your gut.

Yes! I'm probably considered a mean mom but I'm not mean at all. I'm honestly just to consumed with my own personal shit that I don't have the energy to meet new people. Yes my marriage is over and I do have a drinking problem. My closest friends are in similar situation.

I do. If I make it that far. Usually I just wait for everyone else to be gone so I can have the real interactions with my friends. I don't dislike people but I'm also not searching for new connections. And I really don't like spilling the beans of my miserable life. It's just so much easer with people that already know and that understand. But yeah, I'm probably walking around at school like a very ignorant person not knowing faces or names etc. Or not paying attention in general.

PP here - sorry for the grammatical errors. I just wanted to add - perfectly happy people are the ones I tend to stay away from. We have nothing in common.

Maybe you are judging people as "perfectly happy" if they are just friendly, or have a different idea of manners than you. I try to understand that we are ALL fighting our own battles, and that NO ONE comes out of this life unscathed. No one.

This was my post.

[Anonymous]

The point being, moms who say "hi" are NOT trying to be your best friend. Why can't mean moms accept this?

[Anonymous]

OP, Ok, I'll bite since you don't seem to understand that people are telling the truth about minding their own business and having their own friends.

I can be perceived as a mean mom because I have a well-established group of friends who I enjoy hanging out with and whose kids are my friends' kids. I also have a job, two kids who have lots of activities, and a husband who travels a fair amount for work. The truth is that I have absolutely no bandwidth for any more friends, although I'm happy to say hello to anyone. But on the rare occasions that I come to pick up or go to a school event, I want to talk to my friends, who I miss and feel like I don't see often enough. I don't want to talk to Larla who I don't even know and don't have time to be friends with.

If I seem standoffish, it is because I don't feel like making stupid small talk with someone I don't want to get to know better. At this point in my life, I have enough friends and can't possibly make room for any more. And maybe, yes, you are awkard, or annoying, or have rubbed me the wrong way somehow at some point. Why would we want to get to know each other in this case? Find your own friends who don't find you uninteresting or abrasive, or whatever. Find people who actually want to find friends, not people like me who are up to their ears in life and can't handle one more relationship. I'm positive that I myself have rubbed people the wrong way, or haven't made the best impression and then haven't become friends with them. But guess what? I'm not obsessing over it on DCUM. I've moved on and found my own group of supportive, nice friends.