If you are a socially aggressive mean mom, why?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like the school is not a good fit. I am not one of the moms but did go to a private school where my family did not fit in, even though we were full pay. I honestly would have been much happier in public school but stuck it out til senior year.

Sometimes private schools are more social clubs than anything else. If you like the education they are providing, that may be all your daughter receives from the experience. I received a great academic education and zero social education.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and my oldest two were briefly at a preschool like this. I met many of the other moms a half dozen times and they would still look through me like I didn't exist. E.g.--I tried stuff like serving on a committee or being a room parent with them and nothing changed. The next time I walked past them, nothing. Looked through me like I was invisible. It was a super wealthy, waspy, cliquey place.
I ended up making a few wonderful friends (who were also outsiders to the main crowd) at that preschool (one I still know well 10 years later!) and we moved on. In the intervening years I've been a parent in 5 other schools (including a Big3), countless (30+?) sports teams, and a million more upper NW parent social situations. I have never encountered this level of bitchiness again. There are have been some snobby parents, some harried parents, some self-important parents but literally none like that preschool crowd that treated me like I wasn't even human. Bizarre.

Thinking back, I would still like to ask those moms why there acted as they did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"

Well, there's your answer OP. Want to hang out with that? Count your blessings lol

OP here that's weird. I'm not talking about those situations. I'm talking about moms that are socially aggressive because they can be.

What's a specific example?

not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

I agree with this. I'm not in a group of mom friends, but have been excluded. I remember being at an out of town basketball tournament and the group was going on about how they had dinner the night before etc and I was thinking, "wow, they are really not thinking, that there are five of them talking about this dinner and I'm here and they didn't invite me (or my kid)."

They are just not thinking...about you. So they don't think to invite you to dinner, and don't think about how you are standing there listening to them talk about their dinner. Or whatever it is, OP.

I don't take it personally and I also know others who have been excluded and there is nothing wrong with these moms or these kids that were excluded. It's just that that group goes way back and they are tight, and they have no idea how exclusionary or mean that they may appear to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's not socially aggressive. Maybe your kids are boring.

My daughter will work with one girl on group projects but won't otherwise hang out with her. That girl doesn't go anywhere but school without her entire family, and has zero sense of humor. The girls went to a movie and the mom sat right next to them. That was the last straw for DD. "If I wanted to hang out with a mother, I'd hang out with my own!"

Well, there's your answer OP. Want to hang out with that? Count your blessings lol

OP here that's weird. I'm not talking about those situations. I'm talking about moms that are socially aggressive because they can be.

What's a specific example?

not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?

Sounds like Larla's family was a big Washington Ballet donor and Mean Mom was fully aware of that. In this example, it comes across as more of a striver/brown-noser/donor relations situation, rather than "I'm excluding you because I'm more powerful and want you to know it". End result is the same but it's always helpful to understand the nuances. Sometimes it's easier to not take things personally if you understand it's not really about you.

[Anonymous]

I have a SIL who is in tight with a group of private school moms. She doesn't work and just spends a lot more time cultivating those relationships than you and I probably have time for. (I work full time at a job I love and always have.)

For example, on her Pinterest page she has an entire folder or whatever you call them devoted to planning her SON"s "Promposal." She's in Junior League and all this stuff, sits on the board for her kids' school, etc.

THe thing is, she actually loves what she does and has never really had any ambition outside of being this very particular kind of mom. She doesn't cook, decorate, travel, or really do anything else. Has lunch with the same ladies every week, etc.

When I look at her, part of me is jealous that she has such good friends, and that they have couple friends and family friends -- alot more than we do -- but the rest of me thinks that there are clearly opportunity costs associated with spending your time in this way versus spending it in another way. She spends a lot of time talking with her girlfriends about diets, for example, and I could never do that. It's boring.

And that thing about "really welcoming" so and so because of who her mom or dad is? Yeah, my SIL would totally do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?

But do you just think those thoughts and disappear into the curtains? Or do you actually introduce yourself? When I'm super friendly and sometimes people stare at me incredulous that I've "broken through the other side," and they can't believe I'm talking to them. If you want people to talk to you and your kid, you're going to have to start doing some talking. Are you simply waiting for invitations to things to pour in? Then you might be waiting a long time. Why not organize and invite others? Some people expect to do nothing and just take and then they wonder why people aren't giving to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.

Like what?

Just one small example, I like to make really nice gift baskets to the sister school we support. If your donation is just sad cast-offs, I don't really think we'll be great pals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.

Like what?

Just one small example, I like to make really nice gift baskets to the sister school we support. If your donation is just sad cast-offs, I don't really think we'll be great pals.

I have nice stuff ... like this donated gift basket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In general, the women who people perceive to be exclusive don't usually intend that. They are doing their thing with their friends with whom they are close. Their kids have been together for a long time because the moms are friends so they spend a lot of time together.

Which is not to say that they should not be more welcoming -- they should be. But I think often it's not about intentionally leaving anyone out as it is about being oblivious and not really giving much thought to how they are perceived and the vibe they give off.

I agree with this. I'm not in a group of mom friends, but have been excluded. I remember being at an out of town basketball tournament and the group was going on about how they had dinner the night before etc and I was thinking, "wow, they are really not thinking, that there are five of them talking about this dinner and I'm here and they didn't invite me (or my kid)."

They are just not thinking...about you. So they don't think to invite you to dinner, and don't think about how you are standing there listening to them talk about their dinner. Or whatever it is, OP.

I don't take it personally and I also know others who have been excluded and there is nothing wrong with these moms or these kids that were excluded. It's just that that group goes way back and they are tight, and they have no idea how exclusionary or mean that they may appear to others.

I agree with both the PPs. I felt that way all last year when my DS started at a private school. My son liked the school, but I felt so alone and left out by the parents who had known each other for years. I missed my public school parents friends at school functions. I don't think that it was really ever about me, but as others have said, they had existing bonds and I couldn't break through. I don't have the time or energy to go too far out of my way to ingratiate myself with an existing group, so I let it go and brought a book to read when I had no one to talk to.

My DD is now in a small private school and has clearly been left out by the "popular girls" who have a tight group and refuse to acknowledge that anyone else exists That situation feels different to me, because based on what other parents have told me, there is intentional exclusion going on, which, if targeted or prolonged, is a form of bullying. Fortunately, my daughter is confident enough to recognize that this is about them maintaining power and status, and not about her shortcomings. She told me that she would rather have only one friend than be in with the popular girls who treat others like crap. Smart girl.

All we can do is work to develop relationships with people who share our interest and values. Dwelling on exclusion, inadvertent or intention, is a waste of energy. Like my daughter, I wouldn't want to be friends with the bitchy PP who clearly approves of her rude child looking down on her boring classmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'm socially aggressive but I like what I like. I have nice stuff and gravitate towards others who do. I like my kids to hang out with the kids off my friends bc it just makes it easier to socialize. When they are older and if our kids become friends, of course I will be friendly to you. Until then, I'll do my thing and won't think about you.

Like what?

Just one small example, I like to make really nice gift baskets to the sister school we support. If your donation is just sad cast-offs, I don't really think we'll be great pals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never been part of an "exclusive" group and some of the mom's at my kids' private won't even acknowledge my presence. The kids of these moms by in large act like they rule the school and run around in packs and largely exclude my DC. My kids do very well in school and are extremely polite. We are also full pay.

Since this is an anonymous forum, would any mean mom like to chime in and explain why? I mean what drives you to be socially aggressive?

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

OP, I would guess that this is an example of what you are talking about. There are likely parents at your kids' school who are less self-absorbed and who would recognize that a new parent might feel intimidated and be more welcoming. Hopefully, you will find them. PP, you sound like a high school mean girl turned meany mom. Have fun with that. You don't have to be friends, just try being nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
not OP, but I'll give a recent example I encountered. My DD just joined an activity, it was something that required an audition so she was really excited she made it. There were other girls who had done it in the past, and new girls like DD. We go to the first meeting of this and we end up walking with first with one new girl and three returning girls and their parents. Both new girls didn't know the returnees, but it just so happens that the other new girl's family is prominent in some way (I won't say how because that will out her). One of the moms gets all excited and get the returning girls' attention and waits dramatically until they all turn to her: "Girls! girls! Attention please, I want you all to really welcome Larla, who is new this year! Let's all give a big welcome to Larla!" And she goes over and starts introducing each of them. Meanwhile, my DD and I are just standing there too, clearly the other new people there in the small room, clearly left out. I'm thinking, wow, are we invisible?

But do you just think those thoughts and disappear into the curtains? Or do you actually introduce yourself? When I'm super friendly and sometimes people stare at me incredulous that I've "broken through the other side," and they can't believe I'm talking to them. If you want people to talk to you and your kid, you're going to have to start doing some talking. Are you simply waiting for invitations to things to pour in? Then you might be waiting a long time. Why not organize and invite others? Some people expect to do nothing and just take and then they wonder why people aren't giving to them.

No I didn't just slink away, I just stood there for a few beats, thinking "surely she will acknowledge us in some way, even if it's just an afterthought, because to do otherwise is just glaringly rude....nope, that's what she intends to do." Then I turned around and introduced myself and my DD to another parent and then more people started coming in. They seemed normal and friendly and we had good chats.

I am friendly and nice. I have been in the position of the old-timer welcoming new people and I try to include everyone.

Of course, people can step forward and take initiative to introduce themselves, but it doesn't excuse rudeness when people purposely include some (whom they deem socially advantageous to know) and exclude others.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think everything is about you? Why do you think I need to spend my time individually paying attention to every kid and every kid's parent at school? People are busy! I barely have time for my long-time friends, much less picking up a new one that I don't know, and maybe don't like. Your reaction to this situation is painfully juvenile.

Hmmm... you sound defensive.