Angry wife posting again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the previous post re the police. But I will say this, all that stuff that OP described would drive me insane. The first thought that entered my mind was personality disorder—maybe narcissist. Not sure. ADHD sounds a little plausible but I feel like there is more to it. The thing that people don’t get is this sort of behavior—the repeated apparent inability to do the simplest tasks that any adult should be able to easily accomplish—becomes utterly and completely exhausting and gets on your last nerve. Combine that with the stresses of a demanding job, kids, etc, they become soul crushingly aggravating. It’s like Chinese torture. It sounds like OP may not have had the best, or even appropriate, reactions in the past, but it also sounds like she is trying to understand. Be patient OP and try and seek some help in identifying the issue. Also be aware that you may also need some help to learn how to better cope and react. Good luck.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. You’re journaling all of the little stuff because you’re honestly trying to get a gut check on whether it’s him or you who’s wrong. The situation is so out of control that you feel crazy. A few observations:

1) You note that your husband behaves differently at work and at home. That suggests this is within his control, which is not usually consistent with Autism spectrum disorder or ADHD.

2) Feeding someone a good they are allergic to is unacceptable, particularly if he has known about the allergy for a long time.

3) Not knowing to pay with plastic in a grocery store is a ridiculously implausible excuse.

Here’s the part that isn’t observation but my judgements:

When you feel this crazy and you don’t know who or what is causing it, gaslighting is a probable cause, particularly when you are involved in weird circular arguments.

If you are outwardly raging, and your husband is sabotaging, you are in a mutually abusive cycle. That’s really hard to get out of when you both already feel emotions like contempt or disgust. Do not try couples counseling. Keep journaling the daily stuff and address it in individual counseling. You can’t change or control someone else, only your own reactions.

No one’s perfect, and your actions may not be blameless, but you don’t deserve the grief you’ll get on DCUM. Find a supportive place like a therapist’s office or a IRL or virtual support group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. You’re journaling all of the little stuff because you’re honestly trying to get a gut check on whether it’s him or you who’s wrong. The situation is so out of control that you feel crazy. A few observations:

1) You note that your husband behaves differently at work and at home. That suggests this is within his control, which is not usually consistent with Autism spectrum disorder or ADHD.

2) Feeding someone a good they are allergic to is unacceptable, particularly if he has known about the allergy for a long time.

3) Not knowing to pay with plastic in a grocery store is a ridiculously implausible excuse.

Here’s the part that isn’t observation but my judgements:

When you feel this crazy and you don’t know who or what is causing it, gaslighting is a probable cause, particularly when you are involved in weird circular arguments.

If you are outwardly raging, and your husband is sabotaging, you are in a mutually abusive cycle. That’s really hard to get out of when you both already feel emotions like contempt or disgust. Do not try couples counseling. Keep journaling the daily stuff and address it in individual counseling. You can’t change or control someone else, only your own reactions.

No one’s perfect, and your actions may not be blameless, but you don’t deserve the grief you’ll get on DCUM. Find a supportive place like a therapist’s office or a IRL or virtual support group.

Those of us who have been in relationships with spouses with mental illness diagnoses are very familiar with the "ambulance cure". This is the idea that the patient can pull him or herself for short required periods of time, maybe not perfectly but well enough to pass for OK. Then, when in a familiar/safe place or with a familiar/safe/disempowered person, the MI person loses it. It often happens when the MI person is finally put in a position to have to see a doctor or go to the hospital, in which case they manage to pull themselves together long enough to convince that person that they are not the problem. Thus the name "ambulance cure" - you put them in the ambulance and they seem cured.

The fact that they are able to control emotions or behavior to some degree or in some places or with some people doesn't mean that the behavior is purposeful vs. driven by MI>

That said, when the behavior is abusive, it's irrelevant whether it's purposeful abuse or mental illness driven behavior.

[Anonymous]

My ex has been doing similar things.
I am fed up and don’t care, we are divorcing. It is not the only reason; rather it’s his trying to persuade me that it’s not him but me, and also trying to persuade me his crazy ways are the right way to do things.
In your examples he would actually try to persuade me that blueberry yogurt is the way to go, that I should pay cash, too, etc.
I felt like the only way for me to stop being a nasty angry shrewd was to separate from him. It is so much better now. He gets by and hasn’t been in trouble other than paying extra for missed payments and such; and I feel so much more relaxed and in control.
Therapy may have helped but he refused to go and my individual one only persuaded me I need to just break clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. You’re journaling all of the little stuff because you’re honestly trying to get a gut check on whether it’s him or you who’s wrong. The situation is so out of control that you feel crazy. A few observations:

1) You note that your husband behaves differently at work and at home. That suggests this is within his control, which is not usually consistent with Autism spectrum disorder or ADHD.

2) Feeding someone a good they are allergic to is unacceptable, particularly if he has known about the allergy for a long time.

3) Not knowing to pay with plastic in a grocery store is a ridiculously implausible excuse.

Here’s the part that isn’t observation but my judgements:

When you feel this crazy and you don’t know who or what is causing it, gaslighting is a probable cause, particularly when you are involved in weird circular arguments.

If you are outwardly raging, and your husband is sabotaging, you are in a mutually abusive cycle. That’s really hard to get out of when you both already feel emotions like contempt or disgust. Do not try couples counseling. Keep journaling the daily stuff and address it in individual counseling. You can’t change or control someone else, only your own reactions.

No one’s perfect, and your actions may not be blameless, but you don’t deserve the grief you’ll get on DCUM. Find a supportive place like a therapist’s office or a IRL or virtual support group.

Those of us who have been in relationships with spouses with mental illness diagnoses are very familiar with the "ambulance cure". This is the idea that the patient can pull him or herself for short required periods of time, maybe not perfectly but well enough to pass for OK. Then, when in a familiar/safe place or with a familiar/safe/disempowered person, the MI person loses it. It often happens when the MI person is finally put in a position to have to see a doctor or go to the hospital, in which case they manage to pull themselves together long enough to convince that person that they are not the problem. Thus the name "ambulance cure" - you put them in the ambulance and they seem cured.

The fact that they are able to control emotions or behavior to some degree or in some places or with some people doesn't mean that the behavior is purposeful vs. driven by MI>

That said, when the behavior is abusive, it's irrelevant whether it's purposeful abuse or mental illness driven behavior.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband would totally do the plugging in thing and the yogurt thing. He is a professor at an Ivy League university. He's very smart, but he has little space in his mind for things like remembering what plug doesn't work or is switched. That's just him. You have to accept it and realize what you bring to the table. I supply all practical skills, etc. in my family and that is fine with us.

it can be very frustrating and occasionally I get a bit snippy but mostly, I don't care. I realize fully he will never be competent in those areas.

The allergy thing sounds like he made an absent-minded mistake. he should have apologized and admitted it as soon as he realized but if you do explode often, he didn't want to kick the hornet's nest.

Sounds beyond exhausting. How do you expect to grow old with someone so needy and unhelpful? And what if something happened to you health wise— how would he help or advocate for you?

PP you are responding to. It really isn’t unsolvable. When I need assistance, he is happy to pay for help and has the money to do so.

When I had surgery, I likewise hired what help I needed.

He has many, many other good qualities and is brilliant, just not at the practicalities of life. OP needs therapy to learn coping skills and how to be in charge of her own emotions and reactions if she wants to improve the marriage. I am a very zen person and it sounds like OP is not. Or she could divorce. But he won’t change. My husband is incapable of changing this aspect in any significant way....he genuinely cannot perceive them.

[Anonymous]

Are your kids the same clueless way? This stuff is highly hereditary. If they skated by it, maybe they can go to bat do you for major ire decisions and assessments.

My friend w an ADD spouse sees a ton of screwball accidents a year from her spouse- falls hiking w kid in his shoulder (oops didn’t think of that?, backs car into garage annually, rear ends people annual when merging (gets totally overwhelmed) and when she travels for work he often flips a kid during and once she returns.

I take it you did not work FT?

[Anonymous]

I think he secretly despises you and may be doing some of these things in a passive aggressive attempt to piss you off.

Buy your own blueberries and yogurt.