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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I get it. You’re journaling all of the little stuff because you’re honestly trying to get a gut check on whether it’s him or you who’s wrong. The situation is so out of control that you feel crazy. A few observations:

1) You note that your husband behaves differently at work and at home. [b]That suggests this is within his control, which is not usually consistent with Autism spectrum disorder or ADHD.[/b]

2) Feeding someone a good they are allergic to is unacceptable, particularly if he has known about the allergy for a long time.

3) Not knowing to pay with plastic in a grocery store is a ridiculously implausible excuse.

Here’s the part that isn’t observation but my judgements:

When you feel this crazy and you don’t know who or what is causing it, gaslighting is a probable cause, particularly when you are involved in weird circular arguments.

If you are outwardly raging, and your husband is sabotaging, you are in a mutually abusive cycle. That’s really hard to get out of when you both already feel emotions like contempt or disgust. Do not try couples counseling. Keep journaling the daily stuff and address it in individual counseling. You can’t change or control someone else, only your own reactions.

No one’s perfect, and your actions may not be blameless, but you don’t deserve the grief you’ll get on DCUM. Find a supportive place like a therapist’s office or a IRL or virtual support group.
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Those of us who have been in relationships with spouses with mental illness diagnoses are very familiar with the "ambulance cure".  This is the idea that the patient can pull him or herself for short required periods of time, maybe not perfectly but well enough to pass for OK.  Then, when in a familiar/safe place or with a familiar/safe/disempowered person, the MI person loses it.  It often happens when the MI person is finally put in a position to have to see a doctor or go to the hospital, in which case they manage to pull themselves together long enough to convince that person that they are not the problem.  Thus the name "ambulance cure" - you put them in the ambulance and they seem cured.

The fact that they are able to control emotions or behavior to some degree or in some places or with some people doesn't mean that the behavior is purposeful vs. driven by MI>

That said, when the behavior is abusive, it's irrelevant whether it's purposeful abuse or mental illness driven behavior. [/quote]

Totally agree.

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