Angry wife posting again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband could very well have ADHD, and possibly some form of autism. He will need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I really hope it's ADHD, OP, because stimulants for ADHD tend to work well, whereas none of the other disorders have efficient pharmacological treatment.

I also wanted to explain something I've observed with my husband, who has both ADHD and Asperger's, and refuses to medicate himself (a post for another day!).
He has gone through many decades of life constantly being late for everything, constantly forgetting things, and constantly missing deadlines. He struggles with prioritizing tasks, especially when pressed for time, then gets stressed out and has an anger episode or something else similarly abusive and irrational. Someone else is always to blame. His mistakes are never that big of a deal, but ours always are.

I wondered for a very long time what his thought process was. I think I understand it now: it's a way around constant guilt and shame. For a high-IQ individual, like my husband, and maybe yours, it defies logic to be so dysfunctional. If they were to see things as they really are, they'd be severely depressed about their failures. Instead they create a different reality that soothes their egos and makes them believe that it's someone else's fault, or that their bizarre actions do not defy logic. They rationalize and convince themselves that they are not at fault.

A bit like Trump, did you notice? Politics aside (because this has nothing to do with politics), this is exactly what Trump does: deflect, blame, twist facts to suit a more flattering pseudo-reality. It's not calculated strategy, it's a reflexive sort of auto-defense. That's why I know Trump is mentally disordered. He behaves exactly like my husband, who has official diagnoses.

What's interesting is that plenty of people with ADHD do not behave like this! Probably those with milder forms. I have mild ADHD, and also have anxiety and a desire to please. These last two actually help keep my ADHD in check. I am never late, and I do my best to be organized, because I hyperfocus on those so that I can keep managing my house, my husband, my children, and my life. My anxiety makes me functional - apart from those times when it overwhelms me and I have a panic attack.

Anyway, I hope my experience is helpful to you. Stay strong, OP.

OP, this is a thoughtful and helpful post. My husband is like this too (not diagnosed with anything, no mistake is that bad and I've chosen to overlook them or correct them myself). One thing I noticed is that he gets embarrassed and panics - I could totally see him doing the broken outlet thing you describe. It gets better when I back off and don't make a big deal of things. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people point to ADHD as the cause of bad behavior by a male spouse? You want to drug him? Give him his marching orders.

Because it often is. It's also easier to accept a medical cause for his behavior than to accept that he's an incompetent jerk.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you tried to ignore him at all and you seem extremely high maintenance and annoying. You're lucky to have anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, no offense but I think you really care about what us DCUM posters think of you.

And you take all the anonymous advice too close to heart.

A person can really lose himself or herself when living with someone UNTREATED on the spectrum or with adhd. Think of living with someone who either purposely or brainwise cannot remember what was said, what he agreed to do, what was discussed; what is going on, etc. op and her children- who are old enough to know what just actually happened- are constantly questioning reality. That is NOT healthy!

[Anonymous]

At this point, does it really matter who is right or wrong? The question to ask is whether you want to continue this way. He is unlikely to change so either you need to change or divorce him.

[Anonymous]

This place is great for getting me to really appreciate how many bullets I dodged and how lucky I am to have my wife.

[Anonymous]

Link to other thread please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you do sound quite uptight. If you give off vibes in person as you do in your email, your husband absolutely knows what you think.

I agree with the previous PP that the yogurt and blueberries story was funny. If I were in your shoes I would have laughed and had a good story to tell. He was actually kind of clever in this situation!

As for the milk in the coffee - you better sleep with one eye open.

Seriously though, this doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. I think he sounds normal and I hate it when ppl on DCUM scream "DIVORCE HIM!" but this just doesn't sound like it is going to work.

Best of luck.

Someone giving their spouse a known allergen sounds normal to you? And plugging a device into an outlet that they know doesn't work and when called out on it, repeatedly plugging the device in and out as though that would magically make it work? That sounds normal to you?

I don't know who's crazier. The person who's doing these things or the person who thinks this normal.

Lady, I hope you aren't feeding your spouse things they're allergic to.

That actually can work. Sometime plugging something in and out will get an intermittent plug point to work. There can be a loose wire either inside the blade part of the outlet or between the main wire and the outlet, and jiggling either can get the outlet to work. It isn't a permanent fix, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex probably has ADHS/maybe Asberger's AND he was a complete narcissistic jerk. Not necessarily either or.

These are the sorts of accusations my borderline personality disordered ex-wife flings at me. I've been checked: no ADHD or Autism or Asperger's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adding to milk your coffee is unacceptable. I'm severely lactose intolerant. Something like that could derail my entire morning.

If someone loves you, then they treat you in a loving way. At the very least, they shouldn't be adding adding substances to your food that they know you are allergic to. If it was accident, he should've been apologetic instead acting like it was nbd.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I do not think giving someone a known allergen to drink is due to adhd..

I have poured coffee on my cornflakes. I have poured OJ into my coffee. In contrast, pouring milk into coffee seems pretty normal.

Did OP go into anaphylaxis over this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adding to milk your coffee is unacceptable. I'm severely lactose intolerant. Something like that could derail my entire morning.

If someone loves you, then they treat you in a loving way. At the very least, they shouldn't be adding adding substances to your food that they know you are allergic to. If it was accident, he should've been apologetic instead acting like it was nbd.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I do not think giving someone a known allergen to drink is due to adhd..

I have poured coffee on my cornflakes. I have poured OJ into my coffee. In contrast, pouring milk into coffee seems pretty normal.

Did OP go into anaphylaxis over this?

Are you allergic to coffee or OJ? If you're not, then it's not a good comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This place is great for getting me to really appreciate how many bullets I dodged and how lucky I am to have my wife.

It also helps me appreciate my DH who doesn't do sh1t like this. If he did, I'd be complaining, too. He also appreciates me reading this forum (though he never has) which helps me realize how sh1tty some husbands can be, and when I realize how great he is, he gets a lot more sex because I appreciate him more.

[Anonymous]

Who goes on detailing every single mistake from dawn to dusk? You sound unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex probably has ADHS/maybe Asberger's AND he was a complete narcissistic jerk. Not necessarily either or.

These are the sorts of accusations my borderline personality disordered ex-wife flings at me. I've been checked: no ADHD or Autism or Asperger's.

Wow, you sure outsmarted them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it is still you. You need to try another week where you just focus on yourself and your own reactions and stop worrying about what is “wrong” with your husband.

Last week the police came to your house because of your abusive behavior and this week you are mad about blueberries and convinced it proves you’re not the problem?

You need to start working on your own self with a therapist before you even think about policing ÷@@@@?your husband any more.

Wait... what??

The police came to your house last week due to YOUR abusive behavior, OP??