How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

OP, you're asking this question on a forum where 90 percent of the respondents will say it's your fault so suck it up. And if you suggest you should find sex elsewhere, they'll call you nasty names.

However, if you were a woman, it would still be the man's fault...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

It's very immature, not acting like a married man is going to put him in a dim light. People will be gossiping that he's a cheater.

I can only suggest compromising. He's probably not meeting ALL her expectations either. Find out what BOTH can do to meet half way. That's how long term marriages survive.

I understand that what I am describing is tricky in that if you don't take it far enough, the situation won't change and if you take it too far, it could create new problems. However, its really not a hard balance to strike. Be engaging and funny but oblivious to the attention. Let the other women do your work for you.

While some here don't like hearing this, one of the issues is you have gone from a challenge to a chore. You need to get her to view you as a challenge again instead of the guy that begs for it. These other women are also likely in some sort of hell in their relationship (shouldn't be hard to pick them out). Most wives will go from "you can have him" to "hmmm, maybe I've been missing out". At this point, what do you have to lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

it's amazing how many "low drive" women can turn that drive up when confronted by the possibility of being alone. OP's W doesn't see a scenario where that's possible unless she chooses it. He needs to make her see otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you need it more or it will create cracks in your marriage. Ask what you need to do to help change the situation for both of you. Be serious. Give her a wake up call.

But ... Use I statements. I love you. I live your body. I'm worried we aren't connecting as much as we used to. I feel most connected to you after sex. I'm worried the lack of sex will cause cracks in pour foundation. I feel unloved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

it's amazing how many "low drive" women can turn that drive up when confronted by the possibility of being alone. OP's W doesn't see a scenario where that's possible unless she chooses it. He needs to make her see otherwise.

They are having sex, it would be absurd to threaten her. She won't be alone, in fact she would probably end up with the kids, and a new guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you need it more or it will create cracks in your marriage. Ask what you need to do to help change the situation for both of you. Be serious. Give her a wake up call.

But ... Use I statements. I love you. I live your body. I'm worried we aren't connecting as much as we used to. I feel most connected to you after sex. I'm worried the lack of sex will cause cracks in pour foundation. I feel unloved.

lol
Yeah that's a real turn on - NOT!

How about men who don't do their fair share, or fail to communicate enough? It's equally important. Playing games or whining isn't how you go about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

it's amazing how many "low drive" women can turn that drive up when confronted by the possibility of being alone. OP's W doesn't see a scenario where that's possible unless she chooses it. He needs to make her see otherwise.

They are having sex, it would be absurd to threaten her. She won't be alone, in fact she would probably end up with the kids, and a new guy.

Not “threaten” but he definitely needs to challenge her out of her comfort zone. And No, she would not “end up with the kids” it’s 2019 and 50/50 custody is the norm. Also he’d wind up with a hotter thinner younger hornier girl so her new guy is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

Sure some part of the sex talk should revolve around the physical aspects, but for me a lot has to do with what else is going on. When my husband is more present with me and the kids (good conversations, listening) and doing his share of the parenting/household work, I am more in the mood. If he hasn't been doing those things, I'm mad and that leads to not being as interested in sex no matter how good he is at the physical aspects of sex.

[Anonymous]

The Gottman Institute has several blog posts on sex, I'd start by reading those. To get you started: https://www.gottman.com/blog/building-great-sex-life-not-rocket-science/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

it's amazing how many "low drive" women can turn that drive up when confronted by the possibility of being alone. OP's W doesn't see a scenario where that's possible unless she chooses it. He needs to make her see otherwise.

They are having sex, it would be absurd to threaten her. She won't be alone, in fact she would probably end up with the kids, and a new guy.

Not “threaten” but he definitely needs to challenge her out of her comfort zone. And No, she would not “end up with the kids” it’s 2019 and 50/50 custody is the norm. Also he’d wind up with a hotter thinner younger hornier girl so her new guy is irrelevant.

Her new man will be one his daughters father and probably walk them.down the.isle... But who cares he has a hotter wife.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a vasectomy? Apparently that is the key to her saying yes to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh so you are waiting for her to prove she wants it as much as you... head games.

Just initiate multiple times a week when it is appropriate and don't get butt hurt when she says no and your number will increase.

What works for me? Be completely upfront with her and say, “ You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.” Instead of telling her what’s missing in your conversation tell her what you are craving and provide opportunities to make it happen!

Dp. I would hate that conversation and if he ever did that in public he would be very sorry. Also, no way am i taking off my seat belt to give him a blow job. Yikes