How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

I, for one, appreciate their advice and find it helpful. If you don’t want to get laid, do what they say.

It's like George Castanza...do the opposite to get laid.

The best thing a man can do to get laid is stay away from bitter, angry, neurotics who can barely disguise their contempt for him and deserve to be alone to nurse their grievances.

There still are plenty of women out there who like men. OP, if your wife decides having sex isn't worth her time anymore, go find one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

OP feels sexually neglected and his wife just shuts down conversation, claiming their sex life is fine (which is less LESS than 1X per week). She’s not calling him an a-hole, or to help more with the daughters, or that her late work hours are the problem, or any other indication that she’s actually highly drive and wants to resume having more sex (like before) so here are things he can do to help make that possible. No, she’s told him to JUST DEAL and makes irrelevant (and untrue) statement about what other married men “get”.

Let’s review the facts: married couple used to have sex several times per week. Wife loses interest and rejects him. Now it’s less than weekly. Husband feels neglected. Wife (instead of telling him the specific actionable reasons for her reduced interest, with a path to resuming a normal active sex life) she won’t even acknowledge there is any problem.

Remind me who’s the a-hole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

OP feels sexually neglected and his wife just shuts down conversation, claiming their sex life is fine (which is less LESS than 1X per week). She’s not calling him an a-hole, or to help more with the daughters, or that her late work hours are the problem, or any other indication that she’s actually highly drive and wants to resume having more sex (like before) so here are things he can do to help make that possible. No, she’s told him to JUST DEAL and makes irrelevant (and untrue) statement about what other married men “get”.

Let’s review the facts: married couple used to have sex several times per week. Wife loses interest and rejects him. Now it’s less than weekly. Husband feels neglected. Wife (instead of telling him the specific actionable reasons for her reduced interest, with a path to resuming a normal active sex life) she won’t even acknowledge there is any problem.

Remind me who’s the a-hole?

Are you practicing writing fiction?

What we know is OP has not discussed it because he came here ask how to discuss it.

None of the above is even true... you just made it up. Hi Donald!

[Anonymous]

The best thing a man can do to get laid is to stick it out until the kids can wake up on their own and then when the kids can drive, oh what a feeling.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it has nothing to do with DH. A
Woman’s body and hormones can just completely shut down especially after kids. Nothing a DH does in or out of the bedroom will change that.

[Anonymous]

A lot of these discussions are a little too insistent on associating lack of sexual interest with something blameworthy: He must not be good in bed. She's left to do too many chores. He's not paying enough attention. It creates a sense that if a couple's sex life declines that someone must be doing something wrong. That, in turn, leads to a sense of injustice when a husband feels like he's doing things right and the sex life is still sub-par. The brutal fact is that sometimes bad people have good sex and good people have bad sex. A couple's sex life isn't a morality play where the virtue is rewarded.

If that's the context, a couple is going to have a tough time working through the issue where the sex isn't very good even though no one has done anything particularly wrong. A hormonal shift plus lack of novelty is sufficient to kill a libido. She's not being a withholding bitch. He's not an asshole. Bodies sometimes just stop producing the chemicals that make you feel desire.

[Anonymous]

Well said PP. you sound way too mature and reasonable to be on DCUM. Are you new here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it has nothing to do with DH. A
Woman’s body and hormones can just completely shut down especially after kids. Nothing a DH does in or out of the bedroom will change that.

While your first sentence is true, it is not a valid reason for him to stop having a normal sex life (either with her or without her). She simply lacks sufficient motivation. He must provide this by making it a dealbreaker for his ongoing pledge of fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of these discussions are a little too insistent on associating lack of sexual interest with something blameworthy: He must not be good in bed. She's left to do too many chores. He's not paying enough attention. It creates a sense that if a couple's sex life declines that someone must be doing something wrong. That, in turn, leads to a sense of injustice when a husband feels like he's doing things right and the sex life is still sub-par. The brutal fact is that sometimes bad people have good sex and good people have bad sex. A couple's sex life isn't a morality play where the virtue is rewarded.

If that's the context, a couple is going to have a tough time working through the issue where the sex isn't very good even though no one has done anything particularly wrong. A hormonal shift plus lack of novelty is sufficient to kill a libido. She's not being a withholding bitch. He's not an asshole. Bodies sometimes just stop producing the chemicals that make you feel desire.

True. This is why monogamy cannot be expected if/when interest drops. Simple solution where everybody's needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing a man can do to get laid is to stick it out until the kids can wake up on their own and then when the kids can drive, oh what a feeling.

Men do not wait years to get laid. There must be an interim solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it has nothing to do with DH. A
Woman’s body and hormones can just completely shut down especially after kids. Nothing a DH does in or out of the bedroom will change that.

But more often than not, men stop trying. Women don't need fancy dinners and things like that, but men should realize that consistently respecting your wife and making her feel attractive (no, don't grab her ass when she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for your kids and tell her you want it later after she's done the whole bedtime routine). Yes, women need to make their husbands feel valued too. And both need to try to keep their grooming up as much as possible. But if I'm worn down after an exhausting day, week, month, 4 years, don't roll over and hump me as foreplay. No. Treat me like you did when we were dating and I'll do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing a man can do to get laid is to stick it out until the kids can wake up on their own and then when the kids can drive, oh what a feeling.

Men do not wait years to get laid. There must be an interim solution.

They can deal with 1x per week for years.

[Anonymous]

If you give a woman enough time to focus on herself: she has time to exercise, eat right, shave every once in a while, and even go away for a night or two twice a year, then she will start to feel sexy again. And let me tell you... she is absolutely tired of the same partner (just like you are), but she will look good out in the world, get some attention, feel like a sexual being again, and then she'll bring that energy back home to focus it on you. If she's tapped out, she's tapped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

Sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

I would just want my H to say... "hey I've noticed we have dipped below 1x per week is something going on?"