How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

Sounds about right.

Funny.,... my H once made a comment about my abs. I was like... yea the little bump below my belly button... IDK. He was like well you could drink less wine. I was like ... sure but why... I mean.. you look 4 month pregnant. I was not trying to be mean but really. He looked in the mirror and was like damn, your right.

WE chose to not pick apart each others bodies... and eat healthy and drink wine. Life is too short... but his underwear is not crusty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it has nothing to do with DH. A
Woman’s body and hormones can just completely shut down especially after kids. Nothing a DH does in or out of the bedroom will change that.

But more often than not, men stop trying. Women don't need fancy dinners and things like that, but men should realize that consistently respecting your wife and making her feel attractive (no, don't grab her ass when she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for your kids and tell her you want it later after she's done the whole bedtime routine). Yes, women need to make their husbands feel valued too. And both need to try to keep their grooming up as much as possible. But if I'm worn down after an exhausting day, week, month, 4 years, don't roll over and hump me as foreplay. No. Treat me like you did when we were dating and I'll do the same.

And if that (he stopped trying) is the reason for your reduced interest then you simply TELL HIM THAT! You acknowledge the problem and give actionable steps to fixing it. You don't dismiss him with statements like "our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you give a woman enough time to focus on herself: she has time to exercise, eat right, shave every once in a while, and even go away for a night or two twice a year, then she will start to feel sexy again.

Sometimes this is the case. A lot of times it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing a man can do to get laid is to stick it out until the kids can wake up on their own and then when the kids can drive, oh what a feeling.

Men do not wait years to get laid. There must be an interim solution.

They can deal with 1x per week for years.

And she can deal (for years) with him making up the gap elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Newsflash: 2/3 times/week =/= high drive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

Not true a high drive wife just wants a "wanna do it"... all that other stuff is not for high drive people.

Nah, for many it is cerebral. I’m high drive and the DW who wrote it.

so, you agree: It's all in your head. can you tell the other women this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

Reading is fundamental. He said she claims that they do it once a week but in fact it's more like twice a month. To a guy that is hoping for multiples per week, that's the desert. He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

That's a serious accusation. Your hyperbole is not appreciated. The existence if incels horrified me. A poster pointing out that there are some women here that just hate men is accurate and honest and has nothing to do with that horrid, disturbed group you reference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it has nothing to do with DH. A
Woman’s body and hormones can just completely shut down especially after kids. Nothing a DH does in or out of the bedroom will change that.

But more often than not, men stop trying. Women don't need fancy dinners and things like that, but men should realize that consistently respecting your wife and making her feel attractive (no, don't grab her ass when she's in the kitchen cooking dinner for your kids and tell her you want it later after she's done the whole bedtime routine). Yes, women need to make their husbands feel valued too. And both need to try to keep their grooming up as much as possible. But if I'm worn down after an exhausting day, week, month, 4 years, don't roll over and hump me as foreplay. No. Treat me like you did when we were dating and I'll do the same.

Don't sell short on the ass grabbing. Works for me every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing a man can do to get laid is to stick it out until the kids can wake up on their own and then when the kids can drive, oh what a feeling.

Men do not wait years to get laid. There must be an interim solution.

They can deal with 1x per week for years.

And she can deal (for years) with him making up the gap elsewhere.

and then he can deal with a new man being his daughter's father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

That's a serious accusation. Your hyperbole is not appreciated. The existence if incels horrified me. A poster pointing out that there are some women here that just hate men is accurate and honest and has nothing to do with that horrid, disturbed group you reference.

The posts above a classic incel posts... women are angry and awful and I don't get laid... blame the woman. They are dangerous and on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

Not true a high drive wife just wants a "wanna do it"... all that other stuff is not for high drive people.

Nah, for many it is cerebral. I’m high drive and the DW who wrote it.

so, you agree: It's all in your head. can you tell the other women this?

It's not "in your head" for all women. She is mixing up libido with fetish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

Reading is fundamental. He said she claims that they do it once a week but in fact it's more like twice a month. To a guy that is hoping for multiples per week, that's the desert. He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.

again with the fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

Reading is fundamental. He said she claims that they do it once a week but in fact it's more like twice a month. To a guy that is hoping for multiples per week, that's the desert. He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.

again with the fiction.

Again with the inability to JUST READ THE OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

Reading is fundamental. He said she claims that they do it once a week but in fact it's more like twice a month. To a guy that is hoping for multiples per week, that's the desert. He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.

again with the fiction.

Again with the inability to JUST READ THE OP

Yes I did, then you put a bunch of lies in there to make you feel better about your terrible advice. Sorry buddy... but you are projecting and not helpful.

How about you tell me which post says that he is hoping for 4-5 times a week.