How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

I'm a woman, married 20 years with three kids, and I actually think this is pretty much the only thing that could be effective in your situation. Most women do not desire men who they have been with for ages and have no fear of losing.

And don't get me started on the women who think they don't want sex because their husbands supposedly don't pull their weight. The whole "choreplay" thing has been disproven, and it's been shown that men who do a lot of helping around the house actually get laid less.

Women want to feel taken care of, not like they're running a small business with their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

Did he take the advice to heart and improve?

[Anonymous]

We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

[Anonymous]

I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

x a million. would also add, get in shape (if you're not already) and dress better. other women will notice you, comment and your wife will pick up on all this. if that doesn't change anything, then you have a more difficult challenge on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

Did he take the advice to heart and improve?

THAT is what I want to know. He asked for sex, you told him he was gross and crusty and to up his game, did he do it??? Was it worth it to him? Do you have sex more often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

This would work on me! All my husband wants is a stroke then a poke. He’s clueless as to how a woman’s body works. I guess it’s up to me to teach him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

My wife doesn't want to make that many decisions during sex. She wants me to just know and take control. Asking her kills the mood. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not a mind reader and her body and moods change from day to day. So, I try to read the room, but sometimes it's a little hit and miss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Here's the problem - you may crave it, but she may really dislike it. So what is a decent compromise?

Men say they want more sex but don't want it to be a chore for her... sometimes you can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

You will have to be much more specific before anyone can give some meaningful advice. Post in the explicit section and I'll provide some insight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

My wife doesn't want to make that many decisions during sex. She wants me to just know and take control. Asking her kills the mood. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not a mind reader and her body and moods change from day to day. So, I try to read the room, but sometimes it's a little hit and miss.

Do you play golf? Do you just hit a putt and hope or do you survey the surroundings and watch how the ball reacts and adjust to it. If you've been together long enough, you know a positive reaction/sound and a negative one. Read her and react accordingly. Never been in a rush unless you are doing an acknowledged "quickie" or it's one of those "rip your clothes off and get after it/no holds barred" sessions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.