How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.”

I'm curious as to whether wives would generally appreciate this sort of comment from their husbands or not. My wife struggles to be sexual and has told me as much. She'd regard this kind of comment as pressure to have sex which would kill her libido.

A low drive woman would hate this. There is no fix for a low drive spouse. Decide whether or not you can live with it and act accordingly.

Not true a high drive wife just wants a "wanna do it"... all that other stuff is not for high drive people.

Nah, for many it is cerebral. I’m high drive and the DW who wrote it.

so, you agree: It's all in your head. can you tell the other women this?

It's not "in your head" for all women. She is mixing up libido with fetish.

That’s not a fetish or the definition of one. What sparks a women’s libido is different for every woman. For PP it’s getting in her head and making her feel sexy. For OP: It could be her hormones are out of whack, stressed out, medicines like birth control pills lower libido too

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

Reading is fundamental. He said she claims that they do it once a week but in fact it's more like twice a month. To a guy that is hoping for multiples per week, that's the desert. He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.

again with the fiction.

Again with the inability to JUST READ THE OP

Yes I did, then you put a bunch of lies in there to make you feel better about your terrible advice. Sorry buddy... but you are projecting and not helpful.

How about you tell me which post says that he is hoping for 4-5 times a week.

Specific example(s) of this "bunch of lies" that you claim?
PP said: He's likely hoping for 4-5 but trying to compromise at 2-3.
See that word in bold? That means it is a speculation on PP's part, so there is no post from OP stating this. Hence the disclaimer of likely so that people would not misunderstand, and accuse of misinformation (as you've just done).

[Anonymous]

NP here. Haven't read all the responses, but yes, it's possible to have this conversation. It's probably most effectively done through marriage counseling, where a neutral 3rd party can help both of you understand how sex fits into the broader relationship. The book "His Needs, Her Needs" is excellent at helping both of you understand the role of sex in a healthy marriage (note: most men need it to feel loved, most women lose interest unless shes actively feeling loved and cherished in other parts of the relationship).

However, if you aren't st the point where counseling will work, you need to find a quiet time without distractions to sit her down and tell her exactly what you are feeling AND how important it is to you. You cant be brushed off if you are clear. She may disagree or say she doesn't care, but the talk must include these elements: 1. That you love her and miss the physical connection. 2. That this is extremely important to you, and you are willing to work with her on getting to a place where you are BOTH happy with your sexlives. 3. That you hope she is willing because this could potentially be a dealbreaker for you. 4. Remind her that you love her and that when you married, you both committed to working through rough times and you are at a place where you really need her to step back and see if she has it in her ti do this with you.

Then, listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

That's a serious accusation. Your hyperbole is not appreciated. The existence if incels horrified me. A poster pointing out that there are some women here that just hate men is accurate and honest and has nothing to do with that horrid, disturbed group you reference.

The posts above a classic incel posts... women are angry and awful and I don't get laid... blame the woman. They are dangerous and on this thread.

"Incel" is a term used to attack men who post uncomfortable truths about misandry. And here's one for you: I get laid all I want, without having to put up with women like you. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's 1x per week... and you want it ??? how many times.

What is the age of your kids?

OP is a lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh god you sound gross. I can see why she doesn't care that you "crave" it. Shivers.