How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you need it more or it will create cracks in your marriage. Ask what you need to do to help change the situation for both of you. Be serious. Give her a wake up call.

But ... Use I statements. I love you. I live your body. I'm worried we aren't connecting as much as we used to. I feel most connected to you after sex. I'm worried the lack of sex will cause cracks in pour foundation. I feel unloved.

PP here. Yes, i agree that the “I feel” and positive affirmation statements are good so she doesn't feel defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

Sure some part of the sex talk should revolve around the physical aspects, but for me a lot has to do with what else is going on. When my husband is more present with me and the kids (good conversations, listening) and doing his share of the parenting/household work, I am more in the mood. If he hasn't been doing those things, I'm mad and that leads to not being as interested in sex no matter how good he is at the physical aspects of sex.

So basically, your man has to pay to play. When he didn’t while you were dating. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

Sure some part of the sex talk should revolve around the physical aspects, but for me a lot has to do with what else is going on. When my husband is more present with me and the kids (good conversations, listening) and doing his share of the parenting/household work, I am more in the mood. If he hasn't been doing those things, I'm mad and that leads to not being as interested in sex no matter how good he is at the physical aspects of sex.

So basically, your man has to pay to play. When he didn’t while you were dating. Got it.

Yes the work of a dad and husband is not the same as a boyfriend. Glad we cleared that up. If you wanted to act like a boyfriend you should not have had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually do think sex 1x a week is more than most men get so be happy with that!

That's BS. Have the talk. Let her know that you need it more than you are getting it and that it's making you unhappy in your marriage. When she brings up other marriages, tell her you aren't talking about anyone else and you didn't marry those women for a reason. You married her and that you had sex more frequently then. Ask her if there is something you can do to make the sex more enjoyable for her. If it doesn't get better, when you go to parties, be sure to chat with other women and make them laugh. It's amazing what competition does for a woman's sex drive. If her friend's start talking about how great you are, she will make an effort not to lose you.

By now you should know her and her body. You should know what she reacts well to. Toys, oils, massages all can enhance the experience.

Sure some part of the sex talk should revolve around the physical aspects, but for me a lot has to do with what else is going on. When my husband is more present with me and the kids (good conversations, listening) and doing his share of the parenting/household work, I am more in the mood. If he hasn't been doing those things, I'm mad and that leads to not being as interested in sex no matter how good he is at the physical aspects of sex.

So basically, your man has to pay to play. When he didn’t while you were dating. Got it.

Yes the work of a dad and husband is not the same as a boyfriend. Glad we cleared that up. If you wanted to act like a boyfriend you should not have had kids.

Yes indeed, thanks for clearing that up. This completely contradicts the horror of some of the posters in the Father's Day for Sex thread, who proclaim that they would feel like a prostitute if they had something from their husband in exchange for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

My wife doesn't want to make that many decisions during sex. She wants me to just know and take control. Asking her kills the mood. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not a mind reader and her body and moods change from day to day. So, I try to read the room, but sometimes it's a little hit and miss.

Amazing that a women needs a man to take control to have an orgasm. Where do these women come from? The 1950’s??????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sex an OK amount of time, though I’d like more, but I always make a point of asking her what she is in the mood for. It might be starting with a massage or just spooning for a while but I like to leave it up to her. That usually leads her to doing things I enjoy and I leave the grand finale position up to her and sometimes she gets pretty imaginative. I’m happy with whatever she wants because it all works for me but after 24 years not everything works for her on any given day. I’m happy letting her steer the boat!

My wife doesn't want to make that many decisions during sex. She wants me to just know and take control. Asking her kills the mood. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not a mind reader and her body and moods change from day to day. So, I try to read the room, but sometimes it's a little hit and miss.

Amazing that a women needs a man to take control to have an orgasm. Where do these women come from? The 1950’s??????????

It’s more about having a confident dominant man that is the turn on. I don’t o ow how woman can stand to sleep with these beta ponytail yoga guys I see at yoga class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

This thread doesn’t apply to high drive women who want sex multiples per week. So why are you here? Husbands who aren’t sexually frustrated like OP would not be unhappy in the relationship in the first place, so no need to explain about deal breakers, and the whole cycle above would never occur.

Ok did not say his wife is low drive. You just assume that. Maybe she is busy with two young daughters and working late hours.I

We all go through ebbs and and flows.

He gets it 1x a week stop acting like this is a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

I, for one, appreciate their advice and find it helpful. If you don’t want to get laid, do what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

I, for one, appreciate their advice and find it helpful. If you don’t want to get laid, do what they say.

It's like George Castanza...do the opposite to get laid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

Approach this from the point of view that you are unhappy with the relationship and (to you) having a regular sex life (2 or 3 per week) is a deal breaker. She will not prioritize this unless you give her a reason to do so, such as saving her marriage. Once per week is NOT better than most married men get, and you certainly did not marry her with this expectation or relationship history. Ask her what changes are necessary for her to want to resume an active sex life with you. All you can do is ask, and she might say no. Then your choices are to open the marriage or to divorce her.

I would file for divorce a week after that conversation.

And I would call this a successful outcome since you clearly don’t want an active sexlife and so would be incompatible as a wife. Better for each of you to find a new partner who is compatible with your low drive and his normal drive.

No I’m high drive. But I don’t have sex with an a-hole.

So I would find a better more compatible partner and my new partner would get sex 2-3 times a week.

He of course will find a young chick who wants kids and will eventually be in the same situation. Win-lose

Look at some of the topics on this forum:

"Husband refuses to have a vasectomy"

"I like it when my husband is gone"

"Husband isn't a good provider and I secretly hate him for it"

"Are husbands generally disappointing?"

Men, if you're expecting anything resembling rational advice, or especially empathy, from the people who post threads like that, you're out of your minds.

The incels are here.

I, for one, appreciate their advice and find it helpful. If you don’t want to get laid, do what they say.

[Anonymous]

Start seeing someone else and make sure your wife finds out. Don’t actually have intercourse or anything physical with this person. Just enough to make your wife know how it feels on the other side.