How to have "the talk"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

Find a gentle way to tell him. Maybe make it a game. Tell him you want to try something new and each of you gets a night where you get to act of a fantasy and are in total control, as long as it doesn't involve something the other doesn't want to do. When it's your turn, guide him through what works for you. If it's better, praise his prowess and tell him how unbelievable that made you feel. That will help guide him in that direction without ever having to tell him he's terrible. When you are ready to take the next step, add another fantasy exchange. When he gets it right, then it's time to tell him that if he performed like that, you'd want more sex. Those are magic words. Positive reinforcement either throw actual words or pleasure sounds can go a long way to helping you steer a man in the direction you want him to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a realistic way for a man to approach his wife that he is feeling sexually neglected that doesn't come off as whiny, or another thing on his wife's to do list?

I have never found any approach to be successful. It's usually met with some statement that our sex life is fine, that 1x per week is better than most married men get (we don't do it that often, and if I point that out, aren't I those lame men who keep track?)

If this is just as good as it gets and talking only makes it worse, would be good to know so I am not making it worse by bringing it up.

I'm in the same boat op

[Anonymous]

if you have young kids, 1X a week is as good as it gets. I like to feel like I want to have sex, and with the kids, it's generally happening at night and preferably on a Saturday. However, there is a window;

After 10pm I'm too dead tired especially post work and kids stuff. If my husband approaches me around 9:15pm - I'm good.


Make sure you approach her post period. Your drive is generally really high for about 10 days. Conversely about 4 days prior to my cycle, everything is sore and tender and I don't enjoy any touching.

Hope that helps!


And if you're having sex 1X a week and you've already talked about it, then perhaps just taken initiative earlier in the evening, or in the windows when her drive is higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

Find a gentle way to tell him. Maybe make it a game. Tell him you want to try something new and each of you gets a night where you get to act of a fantasy and are in total control, as long as it doesn't involve something the other doesn't want to do. When it's your turn, guide him through what works for you. If it's better, praise his prowess and tell him how unbelievable that made you feel. That will help guide him in that direction without ever having to tell him he's terrible. When you are ready to take the next step, add another fantasy exchange. When he gets it right, then it's time to tell him that if he performed like that, you'd want more sex. Those are magic words. Positive reinforcement either throw actual words or pleasure sounds can go a long way to helping you steer a man in the direction you want him to go.

Nope. I’m in the same bot and tried to gently tell DH what I wanted and to experiment more etc. we now haven’t had sex in 7 months. He is too insecure and pissed about the conservation. He is seeing a therapist and wants to get back “to the way we were” but that way was not good for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

Find a gentle way to tell him. Maybe make it a game. Tell him you want to try something new and each of you gets a night where you get to act of a fantasy and are in total control, as long as it doesn't involve something the other doesn't want to do. When it's your turn, guide him through what works for you. If it's better, praise his prowess and tell him how unbelievable that made you feel. That will help guide him in that direction without ever having to tell him he's terrible. When you are ready to take the next step, add another fantasy exchange. When he gets it right, then it's time to tell him that if he performed like that, you'd want more sex. Those are magic words. Positive reinforcement either throw actual words or pleasure sounds can go a long way to helping you steer a man in the direction you want him to go.

Nope. I’m in the same bot and tried to gently tell DH what I wanted and to experiment more etc. we now haven’t had sex in 7 months. He is too insecure and pissed about the conservation. He is seeing a therapist and wants to get back “to the way we were” but that way was not good for me!

Maybe you aren't good at sex. Have you asked him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh so you are waiting for her to prove she wants it as much as you... head games.

Just initiate multiple times a week when it is appropriate and don't get butt hurt when she says no and your number will increase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband would constantly have this talk with me. Finally I broke down and told him the truth. Sex with him was like a chore. I felt like I needed to do it for maintenance but never really wanted to do it with him. Why? I was tired of working out to keep my body right after 3 kids, wear lingerie, spice it up, and he just comes to the bed with his 10 year old crusty underwear. How about you look and smell nice too? How about you get some abs? No way should I have abs after 3 kids and you have a gut after none. He comes to bed with food, and I don’t want to jump on you when the last image I have is of you stuffing your face and burping.

I totally respect this! Tell your spouse what you need. Be honest. Ask for what you want from them. When necessary, be blunt. If they choose not to work WITH you, well they have made a choice and must live with not getting exactly what THEY want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Kids are 11 and 13... don't f this up OP ... you are almost out of the woods.

Do you vacation without the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Oh so you are waiting for her to prove she wants it as much as you... head games.

Just initiate multiple times a week when it is appropriate and don't get butt hurt when she says no and your number will increase.

What works for me? Be completely upfront with her and say, “ You know what would be really hot? If while we’re at dinner, i slide my hand under your panties and (fill in the blank) with your hands until I’m squirming in my seat. Then, on our ride home you find your mouth (fill in the blank) while I’m driving. DW, that would really drive me up the wall.” Instead of telling her what’s missing in your conversation tell her what you are craving and provide opportunities to make it happen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

It was stated earlier in the thread. Women believe the amount of sex they want is the proper amount for the marriage. It doesn't matter if they are high drive or low drive. They amount they want is the right amount

DW here. We don't have sex nearly often enough for him. But here's the thing - its a fairly miserable experience for me. He (although an amazing partner is most ways) really isn't good at it. It's a chore and one that is often unpleasant. If we had great sex, maybe the threshold would be different. But as it is it feels like "one more thing" I have to do for him. So you can imagine my motivation isn't fantastic. What would you suggest in this situation.

This relationship should not gone past the 4th date. Shame on him for not being "good at it" but shame on you for marrying him! Divorce and find somebody who you are sexually compatible with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you'll get a lot of suggestions about what you're doing wrong and what you should say or shouldn't say or how to say it.

What you probably won't get is many (if any) real life examples of, "we had a talk, and it led to positive changes." People often think this is something that married couples ought to be able to communicate about productively. But the reality is that productive conversations about sexual desire are pretty rare in the real world.

OP here, this is what I take away - there is no way to talk this out that leads to positive change. To answer other questions, I am in good shape, so is she, she is SAHM, kids are 11 and 13 so in school all day. We use toys when we do it, she finishes.

I do get female attention, she sees it, not really the jealous kind.

Perhaps sex 2-4 times a month is as good as it gets. I will admit I am amazed she never offers anything in between since she knows I crave it.

Come home at lunch and take her. There are no kid issues. Just walk in the door, plant a deep kiss on her, pick her up and take her to the room. Take charge. She might be looking for a more aggressive you to turn her on.

Try sending her messages during the day that get her thinking about it. Don't overplay this. Once or twice a week. You can't jump from 2x per month to daily. Hopefully your know what she prefers. It could be something as simple as: when I left this morning, I looked at your sleeping and it took all my strength not to wake you and take you right there. I can't get you out of my head right now, so you might want to make sure the kids get to bed early tonight.
Or
You looked so good in the shower this morning. Any chance you wear that outfit to bed tonight?

It gives her a chance to fantasize a little and know what's coming. No every woman is into receiving such messages, so don't be crushed if she asks you to stop. All you can do is keep trying. Worst case scenario, reminder her that the week is up and it's time.

I'm the pp that suggested getting the attention of other women. You said you do. That's your opinion. Is it the right kind of attention, where they are laughing at your comments and touching your forearm. Right now, she feels safe and she can dismiss a conversation. Most women know the difference between a nice conversation between neighbors and/or friends and when things are getting sparky. You need to push it toward the latter. Right now she feels very safe and secure.

Are you a Seinfeld fan? If so, remember the episode where George is desperately trying to get the upper hand? You need hand. Right now, she has hand. Find a way to reverse that.

Attention of other women could backfire depending on her type. I wouldn’t suggest it.

Yea.. to me that would be a get out of jail free card.

Nope. If you were that motivated you would be having sex with DH

[Anonymous]

OP she's already told/ shown you how often she wants it. What's there to talk about?

You want to force her to do it more often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem, if the only things that you are interested in from your wife are housework and sex, you are likely to get neither. I would put good money on it that your wife feels this way