Husband is a financial liability

[Anonymous]

You’ve supported his way of life this long. You may end up owing him alimony and your retirement if you divorce. And child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he's expected to have a highest-earning more stable job? First of all, look at your job. Perhaps you should be making more, no excuses. Secondly, you are talking about a unicorn. I make a lot of money because I took a risk to make money. My husband has the stable job that pays less. Many industries are like that. You trade stability for pay potential.

He is dumb to quit a government job, though.

[Anonymous]

You are discounting several important factors:

- the trauma caused to your son by divorcing your DH. look up any of the research on this
- you say he’s a good dad. This is invaluable and means more than money. The most important thing your child needs is two loving parents. Divorcing will create upheaval, stress, and undermine your DH’s ability to be a good dad. Study after study show importance of having a strong father figure. This DOES NOT mean money maker. You are lucky your son has a good dad.
- you think your life will be better after a divorce. Because you think a ton of men are clamoring after a 50 year old woman with a SN child and baggage from her previous marriage?
- lastly , I just don’t get it. Your post treats your DH as if his sole function is income generation. Do you even like him? I just don’t get it. If my DH was a super low income earner I’d still love him and stick by him. The world doesn’t owe you a millionaire

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are discounting several important factors:

- the trauma caused to your son by divorcing your DH. look up any of the research on this
- you say he’s a good dad. This is invaluable and means more than money. The most important thing your child needs is two loving parents. Divorcing will create upheaval, stress, and undermine your DH’s ability to be a good dad. Study after study show importance of having a strong father figure. This DOES NOT mean money maker. You are lucky your son has a good dad.
- you think your life will be better after a divorce. Because you think a ton of men are clamoring after a 50 year old woman with a SN child and baggage from her previous marriage?
- lastly , I just don’t get it. Your post treats your DH as if his sole function is income generation. Do you even like him? I just don’t get it. If my DH was a super low income earner I’d still love him and stick by him. The world doesn’t owe you a millionaire

I agree with some, but not all of this. It's unclear whether the DH is pulling his weight at home. She mentioned that he disappears but it's not clear whether he's handling say, at least 40% of the parenting. Maybe he is though, maybe during his time when he's not working he's taking care of all the specialist appointments. Teachers have notoriously inflexible schedules so someone must be handling these appointments and presumably OP couldn't take time off to handle all of them.

Regardless of income generation, there's something wrong with not having paid off his loans by now particularly since he's had them for at least 20 years. He also should have some savings / retirement. But, then again, OP said they have separate finances so maybe she doesn't share any of the marital pot with him and maybe he contributes financially pro rata to the common expenses and spends what he has left which probably isn't that much if he's only making $50K per year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

It has taken him 30 years to not pay off his loans? Is that insane?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are discounting several important factors:

- the trauma caused to your son by divorcing your DH. look up any of the research on this
- you say he’s a good dad. This is invaluable and means more than money. The most important thing your child needs is two loving parents. Divorcing will create upheaval, stress, and undermine your DH’s ability to be a good dad. Study after study show importance of having a strong father figure. This DOES NOT mean money maker. You are lucky your son has a good dad.
- you think your life will be better after a divorce. Because you think a ton of men are clamoring after a 50 year old woman with a SN child and baggage from her previous marriage?
- lastly , I just don’t get it. Your post treats your DH as if his sole function is income generation. Do you even like him? I just don’t get it. If my DH was a super low income earner I’d still love him and stick by him. The world doesn’t owe you a millionaire

Yes, to a lot of this.
But I have zero interest in a new relationship. None. So that doesn’t even factor in.
And yes- I don’t want a millionaire. I just don’t want to have less to give my son because of his liabilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are discounting several important factors:

- the trauma caused to your son by divorcing your DH. look up any of the research on this
- you say he’s a good dad. This is invaluable and means more than money. The most important thing your child needs is two loving parents. Divorcing will create upheaval, stress, and undermine your DH’s ability to be a good dad. Study after study show importance of having a strong father figure. This DOES NOT mean money maker. You are lucky your son has a good dad.
- you think your life will be better after a divorce. Because you think a ton of men are clamoring after a 50 year old woman with a SN child and baggage from her previous marriage?
- lastly , I just don’t get it. Your post treats your DH as if his sole function is income generation. Do you even like him? I just don’t get it. If my DH was a super low income earner I’d still love him and stick by him. The world doesn’t owe you a millionaire

Yes, to a lot of this.
But I have zero interest in a new relationship. None. So that doesn’t even factor in.
And yes- I don’t want a millionaire. I just don’t want to have less to give my son because of his liabilities.

You’re not thinking rationally. If you’re divorced, you two will collectively have less to give him. How about giving your son an example of parents sticking together, you know for richer and for poorer and all that? I’m sure your son would NOT want you to divorce.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the low paying lawyer jobs are just document review. There are loads of lawyers who don't make big money in DC. Many of them work on contracts depending on the case at hand with temp companies instead of working directly for a law firm. It is brutal for lawyers out there. You need to focus on paying down that student loan debt ASAP. That and the house need to be paid off before retirement. They are your loans as much as his due to marriage. He actually sounds like a great guy to retire with and take care of your SN child. But you need to get the money situation taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you leave him, you're unlikely to find yourself with another partner who will want to take on your SN kid.

This. You think it's hard now? Single motherhood is a sh8tshow. trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you leave him, you're unlikely to find yourself with another partner who will want to take on your SN kid.

This. You think it's hard now? Single motherhood is a sh8tshow. trust me.

Details please.

[Anonymous]

why don't you see a lawyer to see if you can find a way to leave everything to your son, and to protect your assets. Maybe your DH will sign an agreement to such. He has no right to your retirement, etc and that he also provides for son with whatever low paying job he maintains.

one thing that really bothers me is that he is not motivated to save for a disabled child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why don't you see a lawyer to see if you can find a way to leave everything to your son, and to protect your assets. Maybe your DH will sign an agreement to such. He has no right to your retirement, etc and that he also provides for son with whatever low paying job he maintains.

one thing that really bothers me is that he is not motivated to save for a disabled child.

It's precisely because his kid is not going to do anything for him. My friend got dumped by her doctor husband of 17 years and she's left with their 16 yo autistic son- he needs a full-time care provider but she needs to work.