Husband is a financial liability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, we have that income, a SN child and have paid for private school and/or therapies at a huge cost and are fine financially. Where is all the money going. It is not your husband's fault you have a SN child in less he abused him.

Oh- agree it’s not his fault. I hope I didn’t imply that. My son is not the product of bad luck or fault. He’s beautiful. There isn’t ‘all the money’.
But I’m happy you all are in a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something is off, we have that income, a SN child and have paid for private school and/or therapies at a huge cost and are fine financially. Where is all the money going. It is not your husband's fault you have a SN child in less he abused him.

Obviously there are differences in the two situations that are making their finances more precarious. How are your comments helpful to pp?

[Anonymous]

I get you. I was tired of carrying the much heavier load with a financially unreliable spouse with no savings. I'm much happier and relieved not to be carrying that load anymore, though that wasn't the main reason for the divorce. Meet with a divorce lawyer and get some competent advice about the likely financial situation in your circumstances. How much of a financial hit divorce will be for you depends on how long you've been married, how old is your child, and other factors. As an attorney with high earning potential and a history of law firm and government work he wouldn't get much alimony, if at all. Splitting your pension and retirement saving and the house, child support, are probably your biggest considerations. Get informed and if doable, leave him. You'll feel much relieved, probably. I did.

[Anonymous]

Did he want to have the child? Did he understand the increased risks with his age?

Maybe he resents you and this is some sort of silent protest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he want to have the child? Did he understand the increased risks with his age?

Maybe he resents you and this is some sort of silent protest?

That’s as good a theory as any. But why not silent protest me by working & spending money on crap? Or having an affair? Limiting our ability to save for our son is a harmful protest.
Btw- he’s 60 rounding up. I feel like I’ve given our whole life away on this thread- so tried to be vauge, but accurate, on a few identifying details

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did he want to have the child? Did he understand the increased risks with his age?

Maybe he resents you and this is some sort of silent protest?

DP here. We had an SN child at 30–THIRTY! Should my DH have resented me for that accident? Please. OP’s husband’s resentment at having a harder life is NO excuse for not doing everything he can to support his child and spouse. He leaves his wife to do the heavy lifting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you know he had loans when you married and had a kid?

Yes. I feel like most folks have school loans. What I didn’t know is that he’d defer then for 3 years (which increased then frantically) & that our kid would have severe SN, that would require a lifetime of support. Support- that we’ll have to provide for

How long did you date before marrying? I have a hard time understanding why you didn’t have a clear picture of his financial situation.

OMG, what difference does that make to OP now?!! How terribly unhelpful you are!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP’s husband is comfortable enough with the way things are and wants to do very little to change it. That he got so angry and threatening when she suggested divorce means he doesn’t see himself as deserving to take on more financial and child care responsibilities. Selfish and irresponsible and probably a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

[Anonymous]

No way...??? Can’t be serious. 60, no savings and still $100k in school debt. Pull the ripcord and dump him.

[Anonymous]

I think what is really unproductive here is looking at it as “your” money and “his” money or “his” loans, “your” savings, etc. I am sympathetic but the law doesn’t see it that way and so neither should you. Your husband is no more a liability than a low-earning wife and breadwinning husband. People would be changing their tune if genders were reversed, I think. You admit he is a good dad so just something to keep in mind.

I am certainly not saying you don’t have a right to be upset and frustrated, but I am not sure why you thought he would change. You met him well after he was 40 and unless he actively hid information from you, you knew his financial situation - and honestly shouldn’t have touched it with a ten foot pole. But there’s no going back now. What do you love about him? What made you want to marry him? Focus on those things.

I think you need to go to counseling and put all of your feelings on the table. Divorce is not going to favor you nor make things easier on anyone, so I’d think long and hard about it.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t he qualify to get his school loans forgiven if he takes a public interest or government job that doesn’t pay six figures and sticks with it ten years? I repaid my law school loans before I joined the gov at 37, but my young colleague says her law school debt from AU totaled $300k. She says her current salary of $73k or something enables her to be in this loan forgiveness program and only pay something like $500 or was it $1k. Something ridiculously low compared to if she had to repay principal and interest on $300k. Plus after a decade, the balance is forgiven. My mind was blown that taxpayers were footing such a generous program, as nowadays every law school grad that borrows the entire cost at places like AU GW GU NYU Columbia etc etc located in a high COL city can rack up $300k in debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

I am trying hard to imagine what law school your DH could have gone to 30 YEARS AGO and still have such a huge loan balance. 30 years old is not “late in life” to be going to law school. 30 years ago was well before tuitions started getting crazy. 10 years ago would be another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He makes $120k and your complaining!!! Sounds more like spending issues than saving...who is the spender in the family, who pays the mortgage? Bills? What are the largest expenses?

I make $120, teaching!

So...together you make $240k and you want to divorce over more $$$. Wow!

NP. Honestly, you have horrible reading comprehension.