Husband is a financial liability

[Anonymous]

Is he a good father? This is an awful situation and I'm so sorry. Ignore the judgemental bashers. If you don't love him and he is a burden and/or mediocre dad, I'd cut him loose. If he's an exceptional dad that can handle DCs care including the many therapy appts, drop off/pick up then a mediator to lay out a financial compromise. Take over all of his expenses and extras, put him on a budget and have him do household/child care. If you are doing it all, then he needs to get a 2nd job.

My best friend was married to Peter Pan. Her son is a brilliant artist but has some mild issues. She paid all expenses, including xDH biz. He was unable to profit from biz because he is a sloth, no hustle and smoking the weed he planted at various landscaping jobs. She couldn't get out until he DS was HS bound at a prestigious art school, full pay. Kid is a prodigy 2E. She found a way. It may take time for you, but you'll find a way. She's unsure of her DS's future as an artist, but just got engaged to a man that is her xDH antithesis. Wishing you the best OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is not adding up...take home should be about $10k a month. You have less than $6500 in expenses listed

Oh, it’s definitely not. My take home is about $5000 a month. Once the savings, health care, taxes, commuter benefits, pension contributions are taken out. His fluctuates between 2-3 a month.

So there is a significant savings already towards retirement...the pension and savings. You have an extra 1k to 2k a month not accounted for in your expenses. Can you reduce your overhead?

[Anonymous]

But is that significant for retirement? I don’t think it is. I’m too exhausted to take on another new job, but I’m so stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good father? This is an awful situation and I'm so sorry. Ignore the judgemental bashers. If you don't love him and he is a burden and/or mediocre dad, I'd cut him loose. If he's an exceptional dad that can handle DCs care including the many therapy appts, drop off/pick up then a mediator to lay out a financial compromise. Take over all of his expenses and extras, put him on a budget and have him do household/child care. If you are doing it all, then he needs to get a 2nd job.

My best friend was married to Peter Pan. Her son is a brilliant artist but has some mild issues. She paid all expenses, including xDH biz. He was unable to profit from biz because he is a sloth, no hustle and smoking the weed he planted at various landscaping jobs. She couldn't get out until he DS was HS bound at a prestigious art school, full pay. Kid is a prodigy 2E. She found a way. It may take time for you, but you'll find a way. She's unsure of her DS's future as an artist, but just got engaged to a man that is her xDH antithesis. Wishing you the best OP!

Thanks for sharing.
He’s not a bad dad. He loves our kid. & our son adores him. But he is Peter Pan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a good father? This is an awful situation and I'm so sorry. Ignore the judgemental bashers. If you don't love him and he is a burden and/or mediocre dad, I'd cut him loose. If he's an exceptional dad that can handle DCs care including the many therapy appts, drop off/pick up then a mediator to lay out a financial compromise. Take over all of his expenses and extras, put him on a budget and have him do household/child care. If you are doing it all, then he needs to get a 2nd job.

My best friend was married to Peter Pan. Her son is a brilliant artist but has some mild issues. She paid all expenses, including xDH biz. He was unable to profit from biz because he is a sloth, no hustle and smoking the weed he planted at various landscaping jobs. She couldn't get out until he DS was HS bound at a prestigious art school, full pay. Kid is a prodigy 2E. She found a way. It may take time for you, but you'll find a way. She's unsure of her DS's future as an artist, but just got engaged to a man that is her xDH antithesis. Wishing you the best OP!

Thanks for sharing.
He’s not a bad dad. He loves our kid. & our son adores him. But he is Peter Pan.

PP again. So if he's a good dad, would you trust him to take on more of the day or eve parenting? Would you trust him with 50/50 custody? Would he agree to getting a second job? Do you think he may snap out of it when faced with divorce, brunt of child care, groceries, house chores. A scared straight scenario making him realize the alternative is worse, may be the way to go.

[Anonymous]

I’d trust him with 50/50, sure. I mean- our kid might not always brush his teeth when he’s with dad, but he’d be safe & loved. And the thing is he resents doing more of the childcare. He still wants his ‘breaks’ so what guys looks like is me getting home from work & him taking off. Like disappearing.
We’ve talked about divorce before- & he got very aggressive. Called my siblings to tell them I’m a bad mom, threatened to contact my principal (about what, I’m unclear). He also said he’d make it so I ‘never saw DS again’. It got real weird- real quick. I didn’t stay out of love- there is no love. But because I’m constantly doing a pros & cons.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Early elementary school

[Anonymous]

You’d get more support in the Special Needs forum, OP. I get how frustrated and overwhelmed you must be. Your DH should have paid off his student loans a long time ago and be as dedicated as you are to shoring up your savings given that both of you and your child will need to live off of it in retirement. I’d cut him loose before he drags you and DC into bankruptcy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Early elementary school

Wow. So at the time you had a child with him, he was over 50 with loans and no savings? Sorry but people don't change at that age!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’d get more support in the Special Needs forum, OP. I get how frustrated and overwhelmed you must be. Your DH should have paid off his student loans a long time ago and be as dedicated as you are to shoring up your savings given that both of you and your child will need to live off of it in retirement. I’d cut him loose before he drags you and DC into bankruptcy.

These are my thoughts exactly. I feel like I’m in survival mode here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your child?

Early elementary school

Wow. So at the time you had a child with him, he was over 50 with loans and no savings? Sorry but people don't change at that age!

Yes. I love my son- but didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy. In retrospect, shouldn’t have. My kid deserves better than this.
& fwiw he is the first in his family to go to college. Something I admitted. Didn’t even go to laws school until 30.

[Anonymous]

Something is off, we have that income, a SN child and have paid for private school and/or therapies at a huge cost and are fine financially. Where is all the money going. It is not your husband's fault you have a SN child in less he abused him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d trust him with 50/50, sure. I mean- our kid might not always brush his teeth when he’s with dad, but he’d be safe & loved. And the thing is he resents doing more of the childcare. He still wants his ‘breaks’ so what guys looks like is me getting home from work & him taking off. Like disappearing.
We’ve talked about divorce before- & he got very aggressive. Called my siblings to tell them I’m a bad mom, threatened to contact my principal (about what, I’m unclear). He also said he’d make it so I ‘never saw DS again’. It got real weird- real quick. I didn’t stay out of love- there is no love. But because I’m constantly doing a pros & cons.

That’s very concerning. Sounds like my DH’s BIL, who went off the deep end when she filed for separation. You need to keep your plans close to the vest and have an escape plan.

[Anonymous]

*admired, not admitted