Husband is a financial liability

[Anonymous]

You married him, for better or worse

[Anonymous]

OP, get professional financial advising. Also talk to a lawyer. It I'd obvious you hate this man. He can survive on his own. You want to make sure you don't have to pay alimony.

[Anonymous]

Grad school loans only go for 30 years. I don’t see how he could possibly have 100k left. This is a train wreck.

[Anonymous]

I am team OP

[Anonymous]

Op it seems like it’s worth a great deal that he is competent and loving with your SN son. It’s frankly priceless to your child. Imagine if you had a workaholic dh who made lots of money but couldn’t handle being around your kid. Maybe leaning back at work is what allows him to be patient and energetic and fun for your son.

Money isn’t everything. You are so anxious about your son’s future, I know. But you are fortunate in that many special needs families are not even able to put away what you do on your relatively high salary.

Can you let go of your expectations and disappointment over his monetary contribution go and focus on other things he provides? Can you find the things in him that made you love him before? Frankly having two parents together and happy is worth a great deal to your son, don’t assume money is the most important thing. If thats impossible for you, then focus on building a good support system because single parenting of a SN kid is a very tough road even with joint custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. It's crazy he has student loans at 60. Did he go to law school later in life? I'm not doubting you, I'm trying to say that this tells me you are correct that he is financially irresponsible. Have you been to counseling? Is it possible to separate finances and keep him on a budget? I understand your fear with his contract ending. Realistically if he's had a spotty work history and at his age, contract work may be the best he can do.

yes, law school at 30

I am trying hard to imagine what law school your DH could have gone to 30 YEARS AGO and still have such a huge loan balance. 30 years old is not “late in life” to be going to law school. 30 years ago was well before tuitions started getting crazy. 10 years ago would be another story.

He borrowed for both undergrad & law school. And I typed it wrong. Undergrad at 30. Law school at 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get professional financial advising. Also talk to a lawyer. It I'd obvious you hate this man. He can survive on his own. You want to make sure you don't have to pay alimony.

I don’t hate him. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to provide for my sons care. Think mamma bear mode. And yes- we need to revisit with a planner. Which I’ll do- when we aren’t shuttelling DS to therapy & the doctors. I wish I was better at this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op it seems like it’s worth a great deal that he is competent and loving with your SN son. It’s frankly priceless to your child. Imagine if you had a workaholic dh who made lots of money but couldn’t handle being around your kid. Maybe leaning back at work is what allows him to be patient and energetic and fun for your son.

Money isn’t everything. You are so anxious about your son’s future, I know. But you are fortunate in that many special needs families are not even able to put away what you do on your relatively high salary.

Can you let go of your expectations and disappointment over his monetary contribution go and focus on other things he provides? Can you find the things in him that made you love him before? Frankly having two parents together and happy is worth a great deal to your son, don’t assume money is the most important thing. If thats impossible for you, then focus on building a good support system because single parenting of a SN kid is a very tough road even with joint custody.

Great things to think about. Thanks for taking the time to read & share.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you honestly say you won't be mad if he hooks up with another woman and not care about your kid anymore? Men don't want to admit it but most prefer to not have to deal with a kid with problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, can you honestly say you won't be mad if he hooks up with another woman and not care about your kid anymore? Men don't want to admit it but most prefer to not have to deal with a kid with problems.

I want him to be happy. I want all of us to be happy. I think he’s capable of having an adult relationship with someone & still loving our child.

[Anonymous]

OP, start saving for an exit plan, just in case. Every week take $100 or $200 out for "spending money" and hide it. In a few years you'll have enough saved up for a lawyer and maybe first and last month's rent where you want to go. Stop putting money into a retirement account which you will have to split with him if you divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get professional financial advising. Also talk to a lawyer. It I'd obvious you hate this man. He can survive on his own. You want to make sure you don't have to pay alimony.

I don’t hate him. I’m terrified that I won’t be able to provide for my sons care. Think mamma bear mode. And yes- we need to revisit with a planner. Which I’ll do- when we aren’t shuttelling DS to therapy & the doctors. I wish I was better at this

We all do. It is a harder road to travel. Be gentle with yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

If you leave him, you're unlikely to find yourself with another partner who will want to take on your SN kid.

[Anonymous]

Same here, OP. My husband has mental health issues and it’s stressful. We have talked multiple times about this, but he either can’t or won’t change, refuses therapy and meds... at this point the cause matters little. He was NOT like this when we met.

Consult a divorce lawyer and think it through. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Curious what you teach for $120k?