It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

This is why we have built our lives near family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we have built our lives near family.

Depends on whether family also wants to help. Just because you're blood, doesn't mean family wanna lend a hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why we have built our lives near family.

Wow this is really helpful to the OP...

[Anonymous]

You've got to be a friend to make a friend. Do you welcome new people into neighbor with a simple bunch of flowers or cookies. Kindness begets kindness!

[Anonymous]

You've got to be a friend to make a friend. Do you welcome new people into neighbor with a simple bunch of flowers or cookies. Kindness begets kindness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why we have built our lives near family.

Wow this is really helpful to the OP...

We've avoided pursing a lot of opportunities because we prioritized a certain lifestyle. I know that's not an option for everyone, but it is often an option people don't always consider because one or both spouses are pursuing certain ambitions. We all make sacrifices. You have to prioritize what is important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I disagree. Most likely your mother’s neighbors had her own children. Was she going to just leave hers at home alone while she came to watch your sick child? Sorry but I just don’t buy that neighbors and friends were helping to this extent. I actually don’t understand what OP even needs help with. Neighbors can’t help her husband feel better or her child’s pink eye heal. I’d say that children decades ago were more independent and could be sent outside when another child was sick, but I really don’t think neighbors were coming by to watch sick children.

I think OP is another example of a millennial with poor coping skills. Kids get sick. Husbands do too. It’s called life.

What do you mean you disagree? I related the experience of my family and those of other families in my neighborhood. There's nothing to disagree about. This was, and is, the situation in many places where people rely on each other. No-one, including OP, was suggesting that a friend/relative should stay home from work to help her. However, people do help each other after work or on weekends.

Just because people are struggling to cope with life and you aren't, doesn't make you superior, PP. My mother was born in 1941, and she also struggled to cope some days. Why do you think so many women in the past had their little "mother's helper" each day? They lived in a time where women couldn't say they were struggling. To ask for help IS actually a sign that you are strong. You seem to be strangely hostile to the concept that in some cases friends/relatives are willing to help. In my case, some of them were single, some were married with young children, and some were married with grown children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

This isn't a DC problem but more a function of how Americans operate. Btw, how did you watch your neighbors screen your calls? Were you watching them through a window?

"watch" was used figuratively, not literally. Watched my phone screen.

I think I can see why no one answers your calls anymore.

What am I supposed to answer if someone asks me whether I was watching them through a window? Was I supposed to detect sarcasm and ignore? Is the use of the words "figuratively" and "literally" sarcastic or hostile?

Where was your husband? You had a Doula to be with you if your husband wasn't so why not take a cab or he can transport you? Except close family you don't call for a ride at that time when others have kids/family/work. You are very entitled.

A village means you want to use someone else for your own needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

This sounds more like a spouse issue than a friend issue. There is no excuse your husband was not home the day after surgery if you needed help. Likewise, you went to the ER, your husband should be on the next plan home. You have a marriage issue. You want someone to immediately respond from facebook to drop everything to give you a ride. Not everyone checks facebook. Its easy to miss things in feed, etc. You are being unrealistic. You want a friend to basically substitute for your spouse. Stop doing nice tings for those who do not return the favor.

[Anonymous]

I think this is most of us. A lot of us are transplants here with no family. People move away a lot so we have a few long term friendships but many more that have become distance acquaintances because the family moved. Neighbors mostly keep to themselves, we are a two working parent family so that's what we do all day and weekends are for family time. It can be hard but it's not atypical I don't think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to have a weird, surfacey understanding of how intimacy develops. It's not through sending care packages or hosting game nights! It's through actually ASKING people (in person!) for help, and showing up IN PERSON for them, and talking about what's actually going on in your life. And you also have to work to find that person who's willing to open up to you in that way as well. If I saw that an acquaintance who I had never really talked about life with was posting on FB asking for a ride home from the hospital ... I'd probably take a step back, because that's a bit odd? But if you emailed or send a group email, I'd do what I could to help.

I'm quoting this separately, because I think it makes a good point. Social events are fine, and they can be the starting point for friendships, but they aren't the same thing. If you want to build those kind of connections, you have to reach out to people. They can't read your mind (and they might not have read your FB post). You email someone and say that you are having surgery, and since your husband is out of town, you'd like it if they could check in with you over the weekend to make sure you're okay. Or whatever. But you ask for things that are reasonable, and you ask people directly.

And giving people Mother's Day gifts who are not your mother is just weird.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen this article, OP? It's about how transplants have found their village.

https://wamu.org/story/19/03/27/what-village-how-d-c-transplants-found-community-to-raise-their-kids/#.XJzXT1VKjIU

[Anonymous]

You have my sympathy in regards to a village. I was a single parent with no family (the other parent lived far away) but made a tiny village with other single moms. But-- you have a spouse, which means in house help and more money to pay for resources. I don't understand why the surgery couldn't be rescheduled or he cancel the trip. With your situation, I wouldn't have assumed you needed help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I disagree. Most likely your mother’s neighbors had her own children. Was she going to just leave hers at home alone while she came to watch your sick child? Sorry but I just don’t buy that neighbors and friends were helping to this extent. I actually don’t understand what OP even needs help with. Neighbors can’t help her husband feel better or her child’s pink eye heal. I’d say that children decades ago were more independent and could be sent outside when another child was sick, but I really don’t think neighbors were coming by to watch sick children.

I think OP is another example of a millennial with poor coping skills. Kids get sick. Husbands do too. It’s called life.

What do you mean you disagree? I related the experience of my family and those of other families in my neighborhood. There's nothing to disagree about. This was, and is, the situation in many places where people rely on each other. No-one, including OP, was suggesting that a friend/relative should stay home from work to help her. However, people do help each other after work or on weekends.

Just because people are struggling to cope with life and you aren't, doesn't make you superior, PP. My mother was born in 1941, and she also struggled to cope some days. Why do you think so many women in the past had their little "mother's helper" each day? They lived in a time where women couldn't say they were struggling. To ask for help IS actually a sign that you are strong. You seem to be strangely hostile to the concept that in some cases friends/relatives are willing to help. In my case, some of them were single, some were married with young children, and some were married with grown children.

Mothers helper = paid labor

Village = unpaid labor provided by women

There’s nothing wrong with a mother’s helper and is what many of you seem like you need. Whether it’s hiring a babysitter, doula, etc - you need to hire someone to provide labor in the absence of a spouse who can step in. It’s unreasonable to expect people to drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night when they have kids in bed. Or to take care of your sick kid.

[Anonymous]

To those going on about where was the husband---maybe OP has been sick for some time and has already ha to take off a ton of work, and so couldn't do so anymore. I've been there. The women on here chastising OP were probably queen of Woe is me when they had a newborn