It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

You are not looking for family connection..you are looking for help with stuff. You can outsource. Mainly it's not a problem but an expense. you need to cultivate a part time team of domestic staff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

[Anonymous]

Op, you need paid help.

I’m a SAHM of 3. I have a pt babysitter and housekeeper. We have no local family. My parents are in poor health so I sometimes travel to them to help them out. We also send them money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

Yes the lack of empathy is shocking. No wonder a country as wealthy as the US doesn’t car providing basic services to its citizens. Some of the people on this thread represent the general mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?



Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

That's the difference. Not everybody has a free afternoon to make a meal, clean up the kitchen, deliver it and take care of someone else's children. Maybe in SAHM world this is typical. I work 10 hr days and travel often. UberEats is popular for a reason - you can pick whatever you like, not what your acquaintance put together. You can have groceries delivered. You can keep a freezer stash of Trader Joes stuff for emergencies. See, there are options. Not everything needs to be received as a handout from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?



Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

That's the difference. Not everybody has a free afternoon to make a meal, clean up the kitchen, deliver it and take care of someone else's children. Maybe in SAHM world this is typical. I work 10 hr days and travel often. UberEats is popular for a reason - you can pick whatever you like, not what your acquaintance put together. You can have groceries delivered. You can keep a freezer stash of Trader Joes stuff for emergencies. See, there are options. Not everything needs to be received as a handout from others.

Yesterday I dropped off dinner with ice cream to a friend who just had a baby. Of COURSE she could have ordered in. She knows that, I know that. They have a lot of money. That's not the point. She loved having a home cooked dinner provided by someone who cares, and I loved doing that for her (and seeing the newborn's adorable little face). Acts like these are just ways of showing friendship and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?



Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

That's the difference. Not everybody has a free afternoon to make a meal, clean up the kitchen, deliver it and take care of someone else's children. Maybe in SAHM world this is typical. I work 10 hr days and travel often. UberEats is popular for a reason - you can pick whatever you like, not what your acquaintance put together. You can have groceries delivered. You can keep a freezer stash of Trader Joes stuff for emergencies. See, there are options. Not everything needs to be received as a handout from others.

Really hope you never find yourself in need of a handout. But hilarious that you think only SAHMs can do this.

[Anonymous]

I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

[Anonymous]

People are self centered jerks and if an interaction to help might cause most any inconvenience at all, guess what, you lose. Especially if they know you need.
People are fair weather at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

I understand what you are saying but OP is clear that she puts out the effort, is eager to do her part. She just isn't getting it reciprocated. She isn't a taker.

Sometimes you realize friends aren't what you want them to be, and the answer is to find new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

Going into labor is not an emergency. She knew for 7-9 months she was pregnant and husband decided to travel or not be home at the due date. Same with surgery. Husband should have canceled his trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

I understand what you are saying but OP is clear that she puts out the effort, is eager to do her part. She just isn't getting it reciprocated. She isn't a taker.

Sometimes you realize friends aren't what you want them to be, and the answer is to find new friends.

PP. Is she really "eager to do her part," though? She's hosting holidays, buying gifts, doing other things that are nice but also very predictable and that seem to fit well with her schedule. And then she's mad that other people can't help her out in emergencies like being able to pick her up at the emergency room. Those are not the same thing. Plus, I actually kind of doubt she'd be able to really help someone in an emergency? She works, and her husband is apparently so busy that he can't even cancel a business trip to help with her surgery. How is someone like that - full time job, 2 kids, no help (including no help from husband, apparently) - really going to be able to help someone else in an emergency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

I understand what you are saying but OP is clear that she puts out the effort, is eager to do her part. She just isn't getting it reciprocated. She isn't a taker.

Sometimes you realize friends aren't what you want them to be, and the answer is to find new friends.

You make a fair point - maybe certain things are just not a thing in her social circle. However, if you re-read the OP - she is doing nice and light social things. And mentioned "offering to babysit", not actually doing it. No late night drives to the hospital on demand, no pick ups from the hospital, no actual childcare. But, she needs all of these things plus emotional support.

To me it seems very asymmetrical. She perceives herself as putting in the effort, but she is doing fluff, yet, she expects others to do heavy lifting in return. Notice, I am not saying it's right or wrong. I am just saying - maybe people around her got it handled. And she doesn't. And that's why they are not coming through for her?

Another thing that confuses me - putting on a babyshower for someone is more expensive that taking a cab from the hospital. So why not take care of your own needs, rather than expect others to rush to her based on a Facebook post? I mean can we talk about the practical stuff? It doesn't take a village to get Lyft home, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

Yes the lack of empathy is shocking. No wonder a country as wealthy as the US doesn’t car providing basic services to its citizens. Some of the people on this thread represent the general mindset.

This is ridiculous.

I’m the quoted PP. We live near both sets of parents AND two of our three siblings. Plus cousins, who we make special efforts to see and keep in our lives. That’s all by choice. They are all very present in our lives. I’d do all of the stuff mentioned in this thread for them and vice versa. We also have close friends, many going back decades. I’d help them out in a pinch too.

But no I’m not going to do it for random “Facebook friends” many of whom are little more than friendly acquaintances.

Of course I’d help if I easily could but no I’m not going to go out of my way for someone who is merely a neighbor, my child’s friend’s parent, a mom I know from PTA, a friendly face from my book club or barre class, etc. etc.

We’re “friends” but not “call each other in the middle of the night” friends.

Surely you understand the difference.

[Anonymous]

If I’m not a close friend/family member and I see a Facebook post requesting help, I’d assume I’m not the right person to offer it. People are not likely to respond to general requests.