It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?



Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.

Wow. When acquaintances had an emergency recently, we delivered a meal and had their kids over for an afternoon. Didn’t realize we should have invoiced it.

That's the difference. Not everybody has a free afternoon to make a meal, clean up the kitchen, deliver it and take care of someone else's children. Maybe in SAHM world this is typical. I work 10 hr days and travel often. UberEats is popular for a reason - you can pick whatever you like, not what your acquaintance put together. You can have groceries delivered. You can keep a freezer stash of Trader Joes stuff for emergencies. See, there are options. Not everything needs to be received as a handout from others.

Really hope you never find yourself in need of a handout. But hilarious that you think only SAHMs can do this.

+1

I work full time and have made meals for people before. Don't make a dig at SAHMs and how they have so much time on their hands. That line is so tired.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this is a SAHM or working mom debate this time.

I posted earlier but I had emergency surgery after being in the ER twice. DH took time off. My friends visited me in the hospital. No one came to take care of my children. I did get a few visits and I got food. I wasn’t able to eat for 8 days while in the hospital.

DH took I think a total of 2 weeks off - 1 week while I was actually in the hospital and the week following discharge.

DH took 3 weeks off when first child was born, no days when second was born and 2.5 days when third was born.

Everyone I know has some kind of Plan B or C for when child is expected.

[Anonymous]

Expecting other women to pick up the slack isn't exactly misogynistic but more a gendered expectation of both emotional and actual labor. Similar to how parents expect daughters to care for them but not sons.

[Anonymous]

OP also doesn't sound like she has anything else to offer these "villagers". Not work contacts or networking opportunities...so what's in it for them?

[Anonymous]

Op seems sweet but maybe a bit too much for some people (given her list of things she does for friends).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP also doesn't sound like she has anything else to offer these "villagers". Not work contacts or networking opportunities...so what's in it for them?

what makes you assume this???? One can be super successful at their job while suffering from health issues. Check your ableism.

[Anonymous]

So many of us have no villages. I don’t have one, but I recognize that I chose to move away from “home.” My immediate family just aren’t village types, regardless of where they live.

We have decided to relocate, to rebuild our village. I can’t care enough about a career to give up lifelong relationships.

Keep reaching out, you’ll eventually find someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also doesn't sound like she has anything else to offer these "villagers". Not work contacts or networking opportunities...so what's in it for them?

what makes you assume this???? One can be super successful at their job while suffering from health issues. Check your ableism.

WTF are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

might find helpful tips here: https://wamu.org/story/19/03/27/what-village-how-d-c-transplants-found-community-to-raise-their-kids/?fbclid=IwAR1FrbbhtEFvnixNsUcSB4KiOxz2E7gnjYSgV8UhKkKxsX-Y2lla672IkA4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also doesn't sound like she has anything else to offer these "villagers". Not work contacts or networking opportunities...so what's in it for them?

what makes you assume this???? One can be super successful at their job while suffering from health issues. Check your ableism.

WTF are you talking about?

I'm referring to the post that assumed OP did not have any professional contacts to benefit others in "the village". That is problematic for a variety of reasons, including someone with health issues won't be "helpful for other people's professional networking".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

I understand what you are saying but OP is clear that she puts out the effort, is eager to do her part. She just isn't getting it reciprocated. She isn't a taker.

Sometimes you realize friends aren't what you want them to be, and the answer is to find new friends.

You make a fair point - maybe certain things are just not a thing in her social circle. However, if you re-read the OP - she is doing nice and light social things. And mentioned "offering to babysit", not actually doing it. No late night drives to the hospital on demand, no pick ups from the hospital, no actual childcare. But, she needs all of these things plus emotional support.

To me it seems very asymmetrical. She perceives herself as putting in the effort, but she is doing fluff, yet, she expects others to do heavy lifting in return. Notice, I am not saying it's right or wrong. I am just saying - maybe people around her got it handled. And she doesn't. And that's why they are not coming through for her?

Another thing that confuses me - putting on a babyshower for someone is more expensive that taking a cab from the hospital. So why not take care of your own needs, rather than expect others to rush to her based on a Facebook post? I mean can we talk about the practical stuff? It doesn't take a village to get Lyft home, lady.

You have obviously never had an emergency trip to the hospital, or been able to help someone who has. Hospitals will not discharge people without someone else signing them out (presumably to make sure they make it home). God help you should you ever be in that position. Or maybe you'll hire a taskrabbit friend for an hour?

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling that constantly complains "it takes a village, and I have no village."

She has lived in this place for TEN YEARS. If you choose to live like a hermit for 10 years, you have lost the right to complain about not having a village.

[Anonymous]

OP I sympathize and agree it sucks. People are mean and most really selfish. I've lived in many places in the works. My advice is to move to a Midwest metro area or even southern city (progressive). It's a very different vibe. It's a hard environment here where people are somehow not supportive. The other thing is consider a nanny PT or something. We had a nanny and PT nanny who've been with us for 10 years and we think of them as family. For years they were our village. I'm serious - it's like something in the water here - people just lack a certain compassion. I couldn't do it because I can't make the time commitment but joining a church may be helpful to find at least support. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a PP. Dropping off meals etc are all lovely gestures. I’m not saying no one should do that, or that people who do that should be compensated. What bothers me is when people feel entitled to that. I don’t like the “hey there was supposed to be a village available to me” attitude. It always seems to be people who think their dual career, no family, no paid help lifestyle would work out just great if only the other neighborhood ladies would just pitch in like they’re supposed to.

I understand what you are saying but OP is clear that she puts out the effort, is eager to do her part. She just isn't getting it reciprocated. She isn't a taker.

Sometimes you realize friends aren't what you want them to be, and the answer is to find new friends.

You make a fair point - maybe certain things are just not a thing in her social circle. However, if you re-read the OP - she is doing nice and light social things. And mentioned "offering to babysit", not actually doing it. No late night drives to the hospital on demand, no pick ups from the hospital, no actual childcare. But, she needs all of these things plus emotional support.

To me it seems very asymmetrical. She perceives herself as putting in the effort, but she is doing fluff, yet, she expects others to do heavy lifting in return. Notice, I am not saying it's right or wrong. I am just saying - maybe people around her got it handled. And she doesn't. And that's why they are not coming through for her?

Another thing that confuses me - putting on a babyshower for someone is more expensive that taking a cab from the hospital. So why not take care of your own needs, rather than expect others to rush to her based on a Facebook post? I mean can we talk about the practical stuff? It doesn't take a village to get Lyft home, lady.

You have obviously never had an emergency trip to the hospital, or been able to help someone who has. Hospitals will not discharge people without someone else signing them out (presumably to make sure they make it home). God help you should you ever be in that position. Or maybe you'll hire a taskrabbit friend for an hour?

+1. and many families haven't dealt with adversity---just day to day logistical challenges of raising kids under normal circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP also doesn't sound like she has anything else to offer these "villagers". Not work contacts or networking opportunities...so what's in it for them?

what makes you assume this???? One can be super successful at their job while suffering from health issues. Check your ableism.

WTF are you talking about?

I'm referring to the post that assumed OP did not have any professional contacts to benefit others in "the village". That is problematic for a variety of reasons, including someone with health issues won't be "helpful for other people's professional networking".

I'm saying like it is. OP does things like bake cookies and planning showers but these aren't going to sway people to meet her needs when she wants them. The real benefits are in whether OP can help them in tangible ways, like networking etc.