It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

Where was the father?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

This isn't a DC problem but more a function of how Americans operate. Btw, how did you watch your neighbors screen your calls? Were you watching them through a window?

"watch" was used figuratively, not literally. Watched my phone screen.

Why on earth didn't you call 911 if you were bleeding with a wound??? What makes you think those friends would be able to handle a wound? There is a thousand of reasons why one may not be able to pick up in the middle of the afternoon - in a work meeting, in a dentist chair, stepped away from the desk and didn't grab the phone, or if these are SAHMs - doing laundry in the basement, taking a nap, or doing yard work while the phone is inside... there is a gazillion of plausible reasons. What your post tells about you is that: you're mean spirited assuming the worst of the people you call friends and you feel entitled for them to be available to you at a moments notice and always on the phone when you call. Life doesn't work like that, check your entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

This isn't a DC problem but more a function of how Americans operate. Btw, how did you watch your neighbors screen your calls? Were you watching them through a window?

"watch" was used figuratively, not literally. Watched my phone screen.

I think I can see why no one answers your calls anymore.

What am I supposed to answer if someone asks me whether I was watching them through a window? Was I supposed to detect sarcasm and ignore? Is the use of the words "figuratively" and "literally" sarcastic or hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

Where was the father?!?!?

doula is paid to support you - why couldn't she give a ride? You sound like a big time drama queen.

[Anonymous]

Care.com exists for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Is this for real? How does OP have so many emergencies (and her husband is available for none of them): car crash, surgery, birth of her child, and “bleeding to death” (twice!). ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this for real? How does OP have so many emergencies (and her husband is available for none of them): car crash, surgery, birth of her child, and “bleeding to death” (twice!). ???

I think OP and the bleeding to death poster are two different people.

[Anonymous]

We have no local family. We have paid help.

I had emergency surgery the first year we moved here. DH took a week off from work. A few of my friends did visit me in the hospital and brought me flowers and some food. They didn’t stop working or take my kids overnight or anything like that.

I was part of a mom’s group and I know others have requested help. I think one mom had surgery and other moms stepped in and helped drive child to preschool and drop off some meals.

I have dropped off meals for moms in my group I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

+1. Performative caring versus actual caring. My friend's husband was sick with cancer and they had a whole meal train going because it was very publicly done (on a website) and it's cool to care about cancer. I had a complete bowel resection and was in the hospital for a week bc of chrons--not exactly the disease that everyone rallies around and no network of support for me.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

First off, I think this no village thing just totally sucks and I really am sorry.

But....and I don’t know how to say this.... the things you describe above are a little odd. None of my friends celebrate mother’s day with me. That wouldn’t make sense. Mother’s Day is for spending with their kids and their moms, not bringing presents to other mom friends.

Similarly, my friends and I don’t do much for each other on actual holidays. We might share cards or do an activity together in December, but also maybe not. Everyone is swamped that time of year.

OP here. I get what you're saying that the things I do for my friends may sound odd. But when you have no local family, only see Grandparents once a year, and have no relationship with extended family, then friends become like your family. So on Mother's Day we often go out for brunch with another family whose kids my kids are friends with. I host holiday get togethers often because we don't spend holidays with extended family, etc. We entertain often and host families for game night and Sunday brunch. I spend a lot of time trying to build a strong village/social network for us.

So then you should have texted some of these people asking for a ride home, vs. posting on FB of all places.

It doesn’t sound like you have any paid help. You should invest in paid help.

When I had emergency surgery, I had been to the ER once before. I ended up requiring surgery faster than I had time to schedule so had second ER visit.

First ER visit, my two young kids (ages 1 and 3) were already sleeping. DH said he would put them in car to pick me up. I declined. I considered asking a friend but a cab ride would have been fine and it was.

And a Facebook post is a terrible way to ask for advice.

We also have no local family or old friends from college/grad school. We host and attend celebrations. We have a strong group of friends but I don’t know if they would take a day off to help me if I had the flu. They have their own kids to juggle.

[Anonymous]

Paid help is the way to go. I personally wouldnt like to feel burdened by anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People in DC suck. The worst part of it is how unaware they are of how much they suck. The "close friends" who volunteered to take me to the hospital when my baby came, answered the phone at 10 minutes after midnight and told me, as I panted with contractions very close together, that it was too late on a weeknight to leave the house, and I should take a cab. My doula got on the phone with them, when she heard my summary of what they'd said before hanging up, and told them again what was going on. She was livid, disgusted. Those folks never apologized. They still think they're kind, generous, open, helpful, probably have half a dozen stories of how charitable of selfless they are.

I've had 2 emergencies that made me call friends since then, although those times in the middle of the afternoon. In both cases, the phone kept on ringing. Maybe, as I've seen suggested on this forum, just in case I was going to ask for last-minute childcare, which I've never done with a phone call, and may have done with a group text 3 times in 5 years. No, one of these 2 emergency phone calls, I thought I was going to bleed to death in front of my kids. Turns out I didn't, but I didn't realize that while I was dialing with one hand and pushing on the wound with another and watching my calls to my neighbor "friends" get screened out.

People suck. Funny someone upthread wrote "did you ASK someone to help you?" Reminds me of a non-friend who is a pro at letting other people's requests for help slide right off her back in person, or into voicemail, and never offering help when it seems needed, and is also great at scolding folks in hindsight for not asking clearly enough, loudly enough, urgently enough.

They all love their pussy hats and think their values beat your values, but DC is full of selfish people who like to pretend they're part of a village when they're not.

This isn't a DC problem but more a function of how Americans operate. Btw, how did you watch your neighbors screen your calls? Were you watching them through a window?

"watch" was used figuratively, not literally. Watched my phone screen.

I think I can see why no one answers your calls anymore.

What am I supposed to answer if someone asks me whether I was watching them through a window? Was I supposed to detect sarcasm and ignore? Is the use of the words "figuratively" and "literally" sarcastic or hostile?

Um, I was referencing your original post. You have now made it abundantly clear you are off your rocker.

[Anonymous]

My parents are moving into our 2 family soon. We definitely rely on them for back up care.

It’s hard without family. There’s no perfect solution. Id definitely look for a partner in trading childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are moving into our 2 family soon. We definitely rely on them for back up care.

It’s hard without family. There’s no perfect solution. Id definitely look for a partner in trading childcare.

Well, you better take care of your parents when they're worn out from caregiving for not one but two generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are moving into our 2 family soon. We definitely rely on them for back up care.

It’s hard without family. There’s no perfect solution. Id definitely look for a partner in trading childcare.

Well, you better take care of your parents when they're worn out from caregiving for not one but two generations.

Yup that’s the plan.

Just to be clear I’m not talking FT care here. I’m talking about getting to toddler age before childcare, sick days and allowing me to hit the gym.