It takes a village and I have no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

Same situation here re: no village.

Here is what I did:
* actively seek out other mothers without a village. You are prib attracted to nice smiley women with families in the area who help. They are lovely, but they are not your village. Look for women who don't have a village. Candidly discuss trading childcare. It works.

OP here. I totally agree with this. And actually I do seek out women to be friends with who don't have any local family here/are new to the area, because they have more time to get together. than those who do have family in the area.

I'm not looking for childcare help. I'm looking for warm, caring friends who care about me. Here's the kind of things I do for others: send care packages if they've had a major illness/been in the hospital, take my friends out for lunch on their birthday, bring by a Mother's Day gift on Mother's Day, bring home-baked cookies on Christmas, check in with them daily by email/text if they or their kids are sick, host baby showers, host holiday meals.

I feel like they don't do anything in return, and it bothers me. I don't need babysitting help, I need a friend who cares enough to check in and see how I'm doing the day after surgery when they know my DH is on a business trip.

Here's another example: a few years ago I was in a car accident. DH was on a business trip, so I had no one. I posted a FB message from the ER asking if anyone could pick me up so I wouldn't have to take a cab home. No one responded. Do you know how terrible that made me feel?

I've been reading this thread and wanted to say that I wish I knew you in real life OP (and that's not often said on these boards!)

You sound genuine.

It's awful that no one got you from the ER. I was in an accident on the beltway a few years ago, my car was totaled and I was taken to the ER. I could not reach my spouse. Thank goodness I have a local MIL who retrieved me. My next call would have been to my boss.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why people make efforts to live near their family.

9/10, family members are the only people you can really count on in true emergencies and when the chips are down.

[Anonymous]

OP the problem is it takes a while to develop true friendships.

And most people already have a bunch of people like that in their lives.

We’re not looking for more obligations. I already have enough.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a village here either so DH and I have had a full-time nanny for our SN DD (now adult) for 15 years. It makes all the difference to have another reliable adult around as backup. DH and I do a lot of divide and conquer. My in-laws live nearby but have been very little help over the years but we accepted that the buck stopped with us and limited our family to two children. I also used aftercare for my NT son so I could have flexibility to take his sister to her appointments. I also have a gardener and housekeeper every other week. We live a pretty boring life by most people’s standards but we keep going!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly why people make efforts to live near their family.

9/10, family members are the only people you can really count on in true emergencies and when the chips are down.

If you’re lucky, you can count on family. Our friends and paid help have been the ones to show up 9/10 for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To those going on about where was the husband---maybe OP has been sick for some time and has already ha to take off a ton of work, and so couldn't do so anymore. I've been there. The women on here chastising OP were probably queen of Woe is me when they had a newborn

And so it's the neighbors' turn to take off work until they can't anymore? Or a friend's? What do they do then if they have an emergency of their own?
Adulting is hard, but most people figure it out. So can OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I disagree. Most likely your mother’s neighbors had her own children. Was she going to just leave hers at home alone while she came to watch your sick child? Sorry but I just don’t buy that neighbors and friends were helping to this extent. I actually don’t understand what OP even needs help with. Neighbors can’t help her husband feel better or her child’s pink eye heal. I’d say that children decades ago were more independent and could be sent outside when another child was sick, but I really don’t think neighbors were coming by to watch sick children.

I think OP is another example of a millennial with poor coping skills. Kids get sick. Husbands do too. It’s called life.

What do you mean you disagree? I related the experience of my family and those of other families in my neighborhood. There's nothing to disagree about. This was, and is, the situation in many places where people rely on each other. No-one, including OP, was suggesting that a friend/relative should stay home from work to help her. However, people do help each other after work or on weekends.

Just because people are struggling to cope with life and you aren't, doesn't make you superior, PP. My mother was born in 1941, and she also struggled to cope some days. Why do you think so many women in the past had their little "mother's helper" each day? They lived in a time where women couldn't say they were struggling. To ask for help IS actually a sign that you are strong. You seem to be strangely hostile to the concept that in some cases friends/relatives are willing to help. In my case, some of them were single, some were married with young children, and some were married with grown children.

Mothers helper = paid labor

Village = unpaid labor provided by women

There’s nothing wrong with a mother’s helper and is what many of you seem like you need. Whether it’s hiring a babysitter, doula, etc - you need to hire someone to provide labor in the absence of a spouse who can step in. It’s unreasonable to expect people to drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night when they have kids in bed. Or to take care of your sick kid.

You obviously don’t understand the phrase ‘mother’s helper’. Then it was a euphemism for alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I felt this exact way so many times.

Yesterday almost did me in. My husband had food poisoning and was up all night. We have a 7.5 month old who is getting over double pink eye, an ear infection and a cold. He is on antibiotics that he doesn’t like the taste of and tries to spit them out when he’s not coughing so hard he’s throwing them up exorcist style. I had major events at work that I felt couldn’t be missed.

It was a really hard day. I worked a 13 hour day on 3 hours of sleep and got home to be right back “on”.

Raising kids without the village is so tough. I found consolation in now knowing I can be this strong if I have to be but I also need to do my due diligence and plan ahead. I am a planner and usually it helps avoid all of the mess. That doesn’t replace the village.

Keep trudging ahead. You will find your people!

Curious what you think the alternative is. To have someone take care of your sick kid when you got home from work? Like an aunt, grandparent, etc? I think you’re clueless if you really think there were previous generations of women (or laughably men) willing to come over to take care of your kid with double pink eye and a cold. No way. The main difference is as an UMC woman, you wouldn’t have had a job.

NP. I don't know why you think the PP is 'clueless'. My mother worked when we were young, and she could depend on relatives/neighbors to help when necessary. Most families at that time could.

I disagree. Most likely your mother’s neighbors had her own children. Was she going to just leave hers at home alone while she came to watch your sick child? Sorry but I just don’t buy that neighbors and friends were helping to this extent. I actually don’t understand what OP even needs help with. Neighbors can’t help her husband feel better or her child’s pink eye heal. I’d say that children decades ago were more independent and could be sent outside when another child was sick, but I really don’t think neighbors were coming by to watch sick children.

I think OP is another example of a millennial with poor coping skills. Kids get sick. Husbands do too. It’s called life.

What do you mean you disagree? I related the experience of my family and those of other families in my neighborhood. There's nothing to disagree about. This was, and is, the situation in many places where people rely on each other. No-one, including OP, was suggesting that a friend/relative should stay home from work to help her. However, people do help each other after work or on weekends.

Just because people are struggling to cope with life and you aren't, doesn't make you superior, PP. My mother was born in 1941, and she also struggled to cope some days. Why do you think so many women in the past had their little "mother's helper" each day? They lived in a time where women couldn't say they were struggling. To ask for help IS actually a sign that you are strong. You seem to be strangely hostile to the concept that in some cases friends/relatives are willing to help. In my case, some of them were single, some were married with young children, and some were married with grown children.

Mothers helper = paid labor

Village = unpaid labor provided by women

There’s nothing wrong with a mother’s helper and is what many of you seem like you need. Whether it’s hiring a babysitter, doula, etc - you need to hire someone to provide labor in the absence of a spouse who can step in. It’s unreasonable to expect people to drive you to the hospital in the middle of the night when they have kids in bed. Or to take care of your sick kid.

You obviously don’t understand the phrase ‘mother’s helper’. Then it was a euphemism for alcohol.

Sorry should be ‘mother’s little helper’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

I don't agree that community always = unpaid women's labor. We do things for the men in our lives too. My husband opened up our basement for a good friend who needed a place to stay for about three weeks. He helps out his friends who need physical labor to move furniture, drove out to pick up a friend whose rental car had problems miles away, delivered gasoline for a buddy during a power outage, has visited a pal who was hospitalized - granted, didn't bring gifts the way a woman would, but was there for emotional support. His friends have helped us out in return.

Men care about other men just as women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

I don't agree that community always = unpaid women's labor. We do things for the men in our lives too. My husband opened up our basement for a good friend who needed a place to stay for about three weeks. He helps out his friends who need physical labor to move furniture, drove out to pick up a friend whose rental car had problems miles away, delivered gasoline for a buddy during a power outage, has visited a pal who was hospitalized - granted, didn't bring gifts the way a woman would, but was there for emotional support. His friends have helped us out in return.

Men care about other men just as women do.

+1

I agree. I think OP's problem is really that she does a lot of stuff for others without being asked (some of which is kind of beyond the norm--I've never given a Mother's Day gift to anyone who wasn't my mother or grandmother in my life, and I would think it really odd if someone gave me one), and then expects others to do things for her without being asked. If you expect people to read your mind, you will be disappointed. If you "ask" by posting a request on FB (which you can't even be sure anyone saw at the time), you will be disappointed. You have to reach out to people and ask for help, specifically and directly. And then you help when people ask you. That's how it works. If people always say no when you ask, then you accept that they are not that kind of friend, and adjust your expectations for the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always amazed by threads like this (about building villages, or wishing for family nearby) and how nasty they become. Is it that misery loves company?

Of course some people are lucky enough to be able to hire help, but that's not a community.

I just have trouble with the line between “community” vs the expectation that other women provide unpaid labor for me when I’m in a crisis. I find it odd that OP’s problem isn’t with her husband, his job, her own job, the lack of nearby family, or OP and her husband’s choice to not live by family. “The problem” apparently is that OP can design her life to work for her 95% of the time, but when she hits a crisis, other women around her are just supposed to step in with emotional support, meals, childcare, transportation, etc. That seems vaguely misogynist to me.

this

sorry but if you put a message up on FB asking me to go pick you up somewhere, I'm only going to do it for family (because I have to) or very close friends, most of whom go back to childhood, high school, or college. Most people aren't making super close lifelong friends in their 30s anymore. They already have too many obligations in their lives to take on more.

that's just the way of the world

But some people would call that "unpaid labor" by another name, friendship. And anytime someone posts on these boards wishing they had more of that, there are always a lot of responses just like this one. "Sorry, too busy, no room for more friends."

And we wonder why there are regular threads about how unfriendly this area is.

No, friendship is not unpaid labor by another name. It's two very different things. If a very close friend asks to borrow money, I lend, and if she ever kills someone, I'll help to hide the body. But if she wants help for things in daily life that can get accomplished by a taxi, cleaning lady, babysitter or grocery delivery, I wouldn't do it. I cannot be someone else's free household help. That's not friendship.

Note, that OP has plenty of people to socialize with - she mentions celebrations together, parties at her house, etc. So these people are not unfriendly, it's just not appropriate to expect free domestic labor in return. That's not friendship, it's using people. Everybody has obligations and OP seems to have too many emergencies, frankly.