unplanned pregnancy - fourth kid potentially - impact on marriage/relationship

[Anonymous]

As the mother of 5 blessings I can tell you that somehow things work out and blessings are just that, "blessings." I have a friend who aborted their first child, they weren't ready. Then they had another girl. She grew up with a great resentment toward her parents because they had "killed" her older sister. Today she will not speak to them so in a sense they lost both children. This new member of your family has contributions to make and a life to live within the family structure. I share this story that was shared with me.

Hi..

I encountered this short story and wanted to share with you :

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

I pray that you and your family will prosper and experience peace and joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of 5 blessings I can tell you that somehow things work out and blessings are just that, "blessings." I have a friend who aborted their first child, they weren't ready. Then they had another girl. She grew up with a great resentment toward her parents because they had "killed" her older sister. Today she will not speak to them so in a sense they lost both children. This new member of your family has contributions to make and a life to live within the family structure. I share this story that was shared with me.

Hi..

I encountered this short story and wanted to share with you :

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

I pray that you and your family will prosper and experience peace and joy.

Jesus - go away you freaking wacko.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - part of me wishes there were a miscarriage because then I would not have to make such a tough decision. The economics / logistics are all clearly against having a 4th, however my hormones are overriding “logic” here on some level — ultimately I want my DH and I to be together as a unit - I am sure I would feel resentful if he pressured me into an abortion and he supports either outcome - I just wonder whether we would be so stressed - all the other pregnancies were “planned.”

I just want to say I was in your boat just a few weeks ago. Unplanned third pregnancy. I also wanted a miscarriage because I wouldn't have to choose. Economics and logistics were completely against us. I have no idea how we would've been able to afford a third. We chose to terminate, and while it's still fresh (had the termination not even a full week ago), I am doing really well. I keep reminding myself that logistically it wouldn't make any sense. I wish we were in a better financial situation to keep it, but that's life. Good luck with whatever you decide. You are not alone!

[Anonymous]

Following up on 12:53.

The thing is that for the most part a new kid isn't going to break your life. May break your marriage, but then you will say afterwards, I am so glad for this kid despite the hardship. Because who wouldn't love a kid they have? But this does not mean that it's good for you, your marriage, your family to have 4 kids... 5 kids... 6 plus. Only you can decide where your threshold is.

I have 4 kids and I can tell you it's a hell of a lot harder than 3. Perhaps this is spacing. Or personalities. No special needs. If we had this we would be crushed.

[Anonymous]

The fact that it's not planned is a strike against keeping. You would have planned a kid if you proactively wanted.

Now that it is in your hands, can you afford it and the life you want? Do you like chaos brought by a big family? What is the impact on your marriage and family to have these changes? What are the costs and benefits to your kids in terms of time and energy in their lives?

If you have two kids from a previous marriage what will it mean for them?

I would do anything possible to have yet another broken home for them personally, they need stability.

I would focus less on the lack of planning and more on the number and real impact of more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any advice from married couples who already have multiple kids on whether to keep or abort an unexpected pregnancy with a 4th child? (Outside of the pro-choice, pro-life discussion), If you decided to have an abortion, do you regret it and did it cause tension in your marriage? If you decided to have the kid, do you regret it and wish you had just stayed at one kid fewer? What was the impact and strain on a marriage? How is life with 4 kids and the health of a relationship?

I would look at the three children you have now and imagine if you had aborted one of them. Reflect on the pros and cons for you, as well as for the child you've chosen for this thought experiment.

Thanks. Go back to the pro-life march now.

Wow, what a callous zealot you are. If you have children, I feel sorry for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, despite being pro choice, I consider abortions by happy and economically stable families to be very very hard to stomach

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:However, despite being pro choice, I consider abortions by happy and economically stable families to be very very hard to stomach

Yes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following up on 12:53.

The thing is that for the most part a new kid isn't going to break your life. May break your marriage, but then you will say afterwards, I am so glad for this kid despite the hardship. Because who wouldn't love a kid they have? But this does not mean that it's good for you, your marriage, your family to have 4 kids... 5 kids... 6 plus. Only you can decide where your threshold is.

I have 4 kids and I can tell you it's a hell of a lot harder than 3. Perhaps this is spacing. Or personalities. No special needs. If we had this we would be crushed.

12:53 here. OP, I completely agree with the bolded of what PP said. I don't know who would regret/not love a kid they chose to have. I wish I wasn't in the financial situation I was in. We would have kept our third. You need a fine balance between logistics and what you feel in your heart. But in my situation, when you already have a 1.5 year old and your parents are already paying half of HIS daycare, and you're already living paycheck to paycheck with ZERO savings, how can you realistically bring another child into the situation? That was my situation. OP, yours may be completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of 5 blessings I can tell you that somehow things work out and blessings are just that, "blessings." I have a friend who aborted their first child, they weren't ready. Then they had another girl. She grew up with a great resentment toward her parents because they had "killed" her older sister. Today she will not speak to them so in a sense they lost both children. This new member of your family has contributions to make and a life to live within the family structure. I share this story that was shared with me.

Hi..

I encountered this short story and wanted to share with you :

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

I pray that you and your family will prosper and experience peace and joy.

Jesus - go away you freaking wacko.

NP. I thought the story made its point quite clearly. You're free to disagree with it, and disagreeing doesn't make you a "freaking wacko" -- except that you probably are if the story doesn't give you pause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of 5 blessings I can tell you that somehow things work out and blessings are just that, "blessings." I have a friend who aborted their first child, they weren't ready. Then they had another girl. She grew up with a great resentment toward her parents because they had "killed" her older sister. Today she will not speak to them so in a sense they lost both children. This new member of your family has contributions to make and a life to live within the family structure. I share this story that was shared with me.

Hi..

I encountered this short story and wanted to share with you :

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said:

'Doctor, I have a serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1 year old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'

So the doctor said: 'Ok and what do you want me to do?'

She said: 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help with this.'

The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the lady: 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less dangerous for you too.'

She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.

Then he continued: 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of 2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms. This way, you could rest some before the other one is born. If we're going to kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is. There would be no risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.'

The lady was horrified and said: 'No doctor! How terrible! It's a crime to kill a child!'

'I agree', the doctor replied. 'But you seemed to be OK with it, so I thought maybe that was the best solution.'

The doctor smiled, realizing that he had made his point.

He convinced the mom that there is no difference in killing a child that's already been born and one that's still in the womb.

I pray that you and your family will prosper and experience peace and joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any advice from married couples who already have multiple kids on whether to keep or abort an unexpected pregnancy with a 4th child? (Outside of the pro-choice, pro-life discussion), If you decided to have an abortion, do you regret it and did it cause tension in your marriage? If you decided to have the kid, do you regret it and wish you had just stayed at one kid fewer? What was the impact and strain on a marriage? How is life with 4 kids and the health of a relationship?

I would look at the three children you have now and imagine if you had aborted one of them. Reflect on the pros and cons for you, as well as for the child you've chosen for this thought experiment.

Thanks. Go back to the pro-life march now.

Wow, what a callous zealot you are. If you have children, I feel sorry for them.

Don't you have a PP office to picket?

[Anonymous]

I have an unplanned fourth (BC failure--but what difference does it make?). I had so many misgivings, and was very worried about my age and my ability to handle four--pretty much until the baby was born. Thankfully I wasn't worried about the financial part and, surprisingly, my husband took the news totally in stride. I am not going to lie, though. It wasn't easy. She was not an easy baby, super attached, wanted to nurse all night long. You know how everyone says that the youngests in big families will go with the flow because they have to? Not mine! You have to know and accept that the child might not have read the rule book about "bonus babies."
But for me, once I had her in my hands, everything changed and every misgiving evaporated. She is 8 now and is such a spunky, energetic character. I can't imagine life without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following up on 12:53.

The thing is that for the most part a new kid isn't going to break your life. May break your marriage, but then you will say afterwards, I am so glad for this kid despite the hardship. Because who wouldn't love a kid they have? But this does not mean that it's good for you, your marriage, your family to have 4 kids... 5 kids... 6 plus. Only you can decide where your threshold is.

I have 4 kids and I can tell you it's a hell of a lot harder than 3. Perhaps this is spacing. Or personalities. No special needs. If we had this we would be crushed.

+1. I hope your marriage is strong. Had 3 and DW had an affair when 3rd was 2. Looking after 3 as a single parent 50% time sucks !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mother of 5 blessings I can tell you that somehow things work out and blessings are just that, "blessings." I have a friend who aborted their first child, they weren't ready. Then they had another girl. She grew up with a great resentment toward her parents because they had "killed" her older sister. Today she will not speak to them so in a sense they lost both children. This new member of your family has contributions to make and a life to live within the family structure. I share this story that was shared with me.

Okay, putting aside the glurgariffic tear-jerking guilt trip -- which is only vaguely relevant to those who are already convinced of the non-obvious proposition that terminating a pregnancy is the same blinking thing as murdering a child -- I'm mesmerized by the stupidity of your first story. Why on earth would your "friend" tell her daughter that they'd aborted their first pregnancy? How is that relevant, or an appropriate thing to tell a child? I've had four miscarriages and no, my kid doesn't know, because that's not his business and not his burden to bear.

If your "friend" actually exists, then that family is dysfunctional on a level that has nothing to do with their reproductive choices.

In any case, if OP shared your non-universal conviction that terminating a pregnancy is the same thing as murdering a child, then she probably wouldn't be here asking for advice.