unplanned pregnancy - fourth kid potentially - impact on marriage/relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of 4 here and I'd like to offer another perspective. Most are saying what would you do if you and your husband divorce and you are stuck as a single mother of 4?

But my question is what if he dies (or you die)? For whatever reason, people tend to leave death out of the equation, but that is exactly what happened to me. At the young age of 45, my husband died from a heart attack. Without warning I have been left to raise our 4 young children alone.

Our number 4 was also an unplanned pregnancy, and we too considered abortion. I love all of my children, but I can't say I would have chosen this path had I known I'd be on it alone.

So I say ask yourself the question of would you still go through with having #4 if your husband were to suddenly pass away, and vice versa for him.

I am so sorry.

I am too, PP. How awful. Sending love to you.

[Anonymous]

As a fourth child, completely neglected by my mother, I would advise you to think about the child, rather than the impact on your marriage/relationship. Of course the state of your marriage will affect the child, but even if your marriage remains solid, will you give your fourth as much attention as he/she deserves? Most people find having a fourth child is easier because the oldest is old enough to help. Well, in my case, the oldest had psychopathic leannings and I am still suffering from my parents' absence in my life. The oldest can never replace a parent. I often wish my mother had aborted me -- why bring a child into the world if you cannot guarantee your own love and presence? To this day, my mother thinks I owe my sister big time for taking care of me while mom went out partying. But she never accepts that she herself neglected me. When people hear details of my life, they are often shocked that my life has been so different from my siblings. I was not physically abused by either parent (but I was by my older sister and then told to "turn the other cheeck" and become like a wall) while my mom was in a different country for months! My dad was amazing, but he died young. I'm sorry if my thoughts seem disconnected -- this is a topic really close to my heart and my eyes are tearing up. Please, please think about what you can give your child, not what the child will bring to your life!

[Anonymous]

I have a bunch of friends who had one more than “planned”, myself included. It certainly added to the chaos, strain and financial stress but they adore their youngest children. We considered not having our fourth but I would have missed out parenting a very special little boy.

[Anonymous]

How old are your other 3 kids, op? Are they all healthy? any difficulties? The answers to those questions would influence my decision. But I’d probably have the 4th child. And then get a vasectomy/hysterectomy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice from married couples who already have multiple kids on whether to keep or abort an unexpected pregnancy with a 4th child? (Outside of the pro-choice, pro-life discussion), If you decided to have an abortion, do you regret it and did it cause tension in your marriage? If you decided to have the kid, do you regret it and wish you had just stayed at one kid fewer? What was the impact and strain on a marriage? How is life with 4 kids and the health of a relationship?

Depends on your financial situation. I'm a SAHM and struggled without help. When I was pregnant with #4, we got and AuPair. Makes it sane having 3 sets of hands and I keep my sanity by being able to go grocery shopping alone, ability to work out, and ability to prepare dinner in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here / the first two kids were from my first marriage - this third and now maybe fourth the my second marriage - so it is blended family - all are doing well so far and I just wonder about the complexity —- I am still nursing the youngest so haven’t had much recovery time and babies would be very close together in age ...

Goodness. You don’t slow down do you ..

Yeah wow. A bit of a trainwreck I'd say...definitely don't do it OP. If this marriage doesn't work out either you're a single Mom of 4.

Considering the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is 60%, I'd definitely not be having more kids on a shaky foundation.

[Anonymous]

Something about this being marriage #2...

OP how long have you been married?

And yes, this would 10000x influence my decision.

[Anonymous]

Wow, as a single mom of one I am shocked by the number of married people who choose to have abortions. In my own personal life I know of only one person who had an abortion, and she was married with two kids. Her then-husband was very abusive. She ended up having two more kids but is now divorced. As far as I know she had zero regrets about her abortion.

I grew up in a family of 4 children, the last being unplanned when my parents were 40+. We love him but my parents were so exhausted from raising kids that by the time he came along, he just didn’t get as much attention. I’m the oldest, and his childhood experience was completely different from the rest of us who were born closer together. I actually feel bad for him.

[Anonymous]

I had a 4th at 33. Wasn't planned. First son. Grateful for him every day. He's 15 now. DH had a vasectomy but apparently we didn't wait long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here / the first two kids were from my first marriage - this third and now maybe fourth the my second marriage - so it is blended family - all are doing well so far and I just wonder about the complexity —- I am still nursing the youngest so haven’t had much recovery time and babies would be very close together in age ...

Goodness. You don’t slow down do you ..

Yeah wow. A bit of a trainwreck I'd say...definitely don't do it OP. If this marriage doesn't work out either you're a single Mom of 4.

A train wreck because she’s been divorced? Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, as a single mom of one I am shocked by the number of married people who choose to have abortions. In my own personal life I know of only one person who had an abortion, and she was married with two kids. Her then-husband was very abusive. She ended up having two more kids but is now divorced. As far as I know she had zero regrets about her abortion.

I grew up in a family of 4 children, the last being unplanned when my parents were 40+. We love him but my parents were so exhausted from raising kids that by the time he came along, he just didn’t get as much attention. I’m the oldest, and his childhood experience was completely different from the rest of us who were born closer together. I actually feel bad for him.

In your own personal life you only know of one person willing to tell you about it. You're just unaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, as a single mom of one I am shocked by the number of married people who choose to have abortions. In my own personal life I know of only one person who had an abortion, and she was married with two kids. Her then-husband was very abusive. She ended up having two more kids but is now divorced. As far as I know she had zero regrets about her abortion.

I grew up in a family of 4 children, the last being unplanned when my parents were 40+. We love him but my parents were so exhausted from raising kids that by the time he came along, he just didn’t get as much attention. I’m the oldest, and his childhood experience was completely different from the rest of us who were born closer together. I actually feel bad for him.

In your own personal life you only know of one person willing to tell you about it. You're just unaware.

+1. I know tons of women who have had abortions. More than one abortion tbh...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, as a single mom of one I am shocked by the number of married people who choose to have abortions. In my own personal life I know of only one person who had an abortion, and she was married with two kids. Her then-husband was very abusive. She ended up having two more kids but is now divorced. As far as I know she had zero regrets about her abortion.

I grew up in a family of 4 children, the last being unplanned when my parents were 40+. We love him but my parents were so exhausted from raising kids that by the time he came along, he just didn’t get as much attention. I’m the oldest, and his childhood experience was completely different from the rest of us who were born closer together. I actually feel bad for him.

In your own personal life you only know of one person willing to tell you about it. You're just unaware.

Or she just doesn't have a bunch of ignorant trashy friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, as a single mom of one I am shocked by the number of married people who choose to have abortions. In my own personal life I know of only one person who had an abortion, and she was married with two kids. Her then-husband was very abusive. She ended up having two more kids but is now divorced. As far as I know she had zero regrets about her abortion.

I grew up in a family of 4 children, the last being unplanned when my parents were 40+. We love him but my parents were so exhausted from raising kids that by the time he came along, he just didn’t get as much attention. I’m the oldest, and his childhood experience was completely different from the rest of us who were born closer together. I actually feel bad for him.

In your own personal life you only know of one person willing to tell you about it. You're just unaware.

Or she just doesn't have a bunch of ignorant trashy friends.

Or she has lots of conservative religious friends.
All my old friends who had abortions were right wing Christians and no one at their current churches would ever suspect; they were the ones with the most to lose if anyone found out they had sex before marriage or decided to have an abortion after marriage, for any reasons.

[Anonymous]

OP, our 3rd was a surprise and very bad timing. We never debated what to do but my DH was not thrilled initially bc if the timing. As many said, I cannot imagine our family without him. Then we went on to have a fourth when I was 41 and absolutely no regrets. Expensive, exhausting at times, overwhelming at times, but all worth it. Two are in college now and so glad for our big family.