unplanned pregnancy - fourth kid potentially - impact on marriage/relationship

[Anonymous]

Any advice from married couples who already have multiple kids on whether to keep or abort an unexpected pregnancy with a 4th child? (Outside of the pro-choice, pro-life discussion), If you decided to have an abortion, do you regret it and did it cause tension in your marriage? If you decided to have the kid, do you regret it and wish you had just stayed at one kid fewer? What was the impact and strain on a marriage? How is life with 4 kids and the health of a relationship?

[Anonymous]

This always disintegrates into prochoice/prolife debate, unfortunately.

Sorry, I don't have any advice. Wishing you peace with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Have you told your spouse yet? My husband really does not want a 4th but once I thought I was accidentally pregnant (I wasn’t) but he really handled it well and while it wasn’t his plan, once he thought it could possibly happen - he was on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unplanned as in birth control failure or unplanned as in you were being careless?

NP

Unplanned as in unplanned. It makes no difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unplanned as in birth control failure or unplanned as in you were being careless?

What difference does it make?

OP, I had an unplanned pregnancy when I already had three kids. Decided to move forward, but ultimately miscarried.

[Anonymous]

Whoa four kids sounds insane. Just as one example unless one of you is a SAHP you are probably spending at least $4K per month on daycare unless you spaced them out a lot. I bet you have almost no free time with 3 kids...four...goodness.

[Anonymous]

For me, I would move forward and add to my family. All the what ifs would haunt me forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unplanned as in birth control failure or unplanned as in you were being careless?

Why does it matter? Doesn't change the situation.

To answer OP's question-I aborted an unexpected pregnancy but I have less children than you currently have. The best I can say is make sure both of you are in agreement. I felt a bit pressured into it and it did breed some resentment. I was not 100% on board with it and do have some regrets. There is no taking it back. We ended up in counseling and that did help but we had a tough year or so. All is well now and though I do miss the idea of that child, in retrospect, I don't think my marriage would have survived another child. One thing that helps me is thinking.....do I want to be married with my current family size or divorced with one more. I do think it would have come to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa four kids sounds insane. Just as one example unless one of you is a SAHP you are probably spending at least $4K per month on daycare unless you spaced them out a lot. I bet you have almost no free time with 3 kids...four...goodness.

Some people love kids. I know quite a few with unplanned 4ths and even a family with an unplanned 4th and 5th (twins). It happens.

[Anonymous]

not 4th but 3rd, though under very hard and crazy circumstances, I was totally sideswiped by it. had the baby and it turned out to be a major blessing in so many ways. Having three now, I know that a 4th would be daunting, though I have several friends who just had a 4th (some planned, some unplanned) and they all seem to say the craziness plateaus at 3, as by then the oldest is pretty self-sufficient. so it's just kind of an extension of the crazy early years. but committing to getting through the unplanned pregnancy together really strengthened my marriage. and my kids love the extra sibling, we are now entering the age where they play so well together and it's a lot of fun. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa four kids sounds insane. Just as one example unless one of you is a SAHP you are probably spending at least $4K per month on daycare unless you spaced them out a lot. I bet you have almost no free time with 3 kids...four...goodness.

Some people love kids. I know quite a few with unplanned 4ths and even a family with an unplanned 4th and 5th (twins). It happens.

For sure, I wasn't trying to disparage them. Just saying I bet it is a ton of hard work and a lot of expense.

My daycare provider was trying for a third and she ended up having twins. She really seems like super mom though and she is on top of everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here - part of me wishes there were a miscarriage because then I would not have to make such a tough decision. The economics / logistics are all clearly against having a 4th, however my hormones are overriding “logic” here on some level — ultimately I want my DH and I to be together as a unit - I am sure I would feel resentful if he pressured me into an abortion and he supports either outcome - I just wonder whether we would be so stressed - all the other pregnancies were “planned.”

[Anonymous]

I aborted what would have been our 4th. It was an unplanned pregnancy. No regrets.

I was 42, thought a 4th would have been tough on my marriage and I was worried about
having a child with health issues that are more common when you’re an older mom.

[Anonymous]

Are your kids all close in age?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry your are doing through this. I have three kids, youngest being 2 Yrs old, and things are still quite chaotic and challenging. My DH is rarely home and We don’t have extended family help. All childcare, household responsibilities, and after school activities for the older kids falls on me. I don’t think I could handle a 4th. We have talked about “what if” and DH said he would favor an aboration. He had a vesectomy when our third child was an infant so hopefully we will never have that decision to make. While I can’t give advise on what you should do...I would be thinking about the same thing if I was in your choice.