unplanned pregnancy - fourth kid potentially - impact on marriage/relationship

[Anonymous]

We had the abortion.

I lregret it.

I'm completely pro choice.

[Anonymous]

If it happens, DH would probably be on board and I would probably keep it in the end although I am in my early 40s. I am also completely pro-choice, btw.

[Anonymous]

DH and I decided on two. I always wanted four (we both grew up in a family with four kids) but I didn't get married until I was 30 to someone who was older and already had kids. So I compromised. At one point, I had a brief scare (unusually late period) and we discussed what to do if I were pregnant and even though we couldn't afford a third kid in daycare, we decided we could go ahead with it, have a couple of years of daycare hell, and then slowly dig our way out of the financial hole. Even though we would be overwhelmed in the moment, we tried to look at long term...would we be okay in the future? Would we be able to look back and think "it was tough, but it was short lived and we got through it." If a third kid was going to decimate us financially with no hopes of recovering, we might have been having a different discussion.

FWIW - I've heard that going from 3 to 4 is not as hard as going from 2 to 3. I have no idea why people say that but I've heard it a lot.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

I terminated a planned pregnancy when I realized that our marriage and current family would be impacted more heavily than I'd thought. One of our children had been diagnosed with a serious health condition between the planning and the pregnancy and we realized we just didn't have the money or bandwidth. No regrets. We did the best we could.

I wish you peace in your decision-making and subsequent life.

[Anonymous]

We have three, and would terminate in this case. We've talked a lot about how we both love the idea of four, but the reality would be very difficult for our family. I'd need to quit my job to be the kind of parent I want to be, and I don't want to do that.

I get what people say in that four isn't that much different than three, but I also don't buy it. It's another human being to care for. I already feel like most of my parenting is helping my kids relate to each other, and with four it would become even more of that and less time with each kid as a person. Also, I know my limits.

[Anonymous]

We had an unplanned/ birth control failure 4th pregnancy. I was devastated when I found out and even gave very brief thought to just terminating right away without even telling DH. That thought didn’t last long and we both cried over the news. For me it was about another very difficult pregnancy on my body and for DH, it was worrying about my health and long-term financial concerns (college, retirement, etc). We didn’t have near-term financial concerns as we already had a nanny so that made the news less traumatic.

Many years later, this fourth child is such a blessing to our lives. She brought something that we didn’t even realize was missing from our family. And we love having four kids - the dynamics are wonderful and have some benefits over three (no “one” middle kid, always a playmate, etc).

I am now so very thankful for that birth control “failure,” but I will say that had I been in a different situation (big financial issues, marriage problems, etc.), I probably would have taken my initial thought of termination more seriously. My other three kids needed a sane mom, functional parents, stable finances, etc and I would have prioritized their well-being over a six-week fetus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had the abortion.

I lregret it.

I'm completely pro choice.

We don't need your sh!t

NP - What?? She shared her candid and honest experience with no judgement, exactly what the OP asked for. What is your problem?

I don’t believe her. She is pro-life masquerading as pro-choice.

What? You can be pro-choice and still regret the choice YOU made. Either way.

[Anonymous]

Some things to consider: finances, impact on other children, what if this child had special needs (chances aren't as low if you are older, I think, and autism increases with husband's age), impact on daily life, impact on career, impact on relationship.

If you really, really know you want another kid then the impact on the above may be worth it. I don't think it matters if this is #2 or #7, other than the cumulative stress is higher.

The thing I'd consider most is the state of my marriage and how supportive my husband is on the other things and me in general.

If you are thinking "how cute I get to have a baby!" I think it's the hormones talking or you are immature and potentially irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice from married couples who already have multiple kids on whether to keep or abort an unexpected pregnancy with a 4th child? (Outside of the pro-choice, pro-life discussion), If you decided to have an abortion, do you regret it and did it cause tension in your marriage? If you decided to have the kid, do you regret it and wish you had just stayed at one kid fewer? What was the impact and strain on a marriage? How is life with 4 kids and the health of a relationship?

What was the impact on kids 1-3 on your relationship with your husband? How is it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - part of me wishes there were a miscarriage because then I would not have to make such a tough decision. The economics / logistics are all clearly against having a 4th, however my hormones are overriding “logic” here on some level — ultimately I want my DH and I to be together as a unit - I am sure I would feel resentful if he pressured me into an abortion and he supports either outcome - I just wonder whether we would be so stressed - all the other pregnancies were “planned.”

Our 3rd was unplanned. Dh was supportive either way but would probably have preferred to abort. We have a bit of an age gap between 2nd and 3rd, which helps in the finances and just managing young kids and our oldest is now to the age where he independently helps out. Our older two have SN but DD is NT. In some ways she's brought us closer together. Dh is very engaged with her. Its cliche, but I can't imagine our family without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - part of me wishes there were a miscarriage because then I would not have to make such a tough decision. The economics / logistics are all clearly against having a 4th, however my hormones are overriding “logic” here on some level — ultimately I want my DH and I to be together as a unit - I am sure I would feel resentful if he pressured me into an abortion and he supports either outcome - I just wonder whether we would be so stressed - all the other pregnancies were “planned.”

Our 3rd was unplanned. Dh was supportive either way but would probably have preferred to abort. We have a bit of an age gap between 2nd and 3rd, which helps in the finances and just managing young kids and our oldest is now to the age where he independently helps out. Our older two have SN but DD is NT. In some ways she's brought us closer together. Dh is very engaged with her. Its cliche, but I can't imagine our family without her.

I wanted to add a couple of things ... in the interim between 2 and 3, DH moved from a long commute job he wasn't happy with to a really short commute and flexible job he likes. I also sought treatment for my anxiety after DD was born. It's the whole picture, not just the number of kids. Are you guys barely hanging on or are you pulling as a team even though life is stressful at times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - part of me wishes there were a miscarriage because then I would not have to make such a tough decision. The economics / logistics are all clearly against having a 4th, however my hormones are overriding “logic” here on some level — ultimately I want my DH and I to be together as a unit - I am sure I would feel resentful if he pressured me into an abortion and he supports either outcome - I just wonder whether we would be so stressed - all the other pregnancies were “planned.”

The fact that you want a miscarriage is interesting. Or you just don't want to make decisions?

The fact that you are concerned he'd "pressure" you into an abortion is interesting: is that what he wants? Is that something he'd do?

[Anonymous]

Op here - thanks all this is helpful - it sounds like no one so far has said they regretted having that extra kid; a few may have regretted or not regretted their abortions.

Each of my children has been an extra window into seeing the world in a new way through their eyes - and a true gift - I just never envisioned 4 kids - i want to really think through this and so appreciate folks sharing their stories.

[Anonymous]

Yes I don’t want to have to make a decision - is honestly rather not have another child but even though I am pro choice I don’t know that I can bring myself to have an abortion in my own case....

[Anonymous]

I wanted to continue, dh wanted to abort. Here was my thinking: if I continued, there was a decent chance dh would come around eventually, but also a chance he’d resent the child or me, or that the stress would cause us to divorce (the marriage was rocky). That would be bad for my existing kids, and I didn’t want to be in my own with them plus a baby. And he did the majority of the childcare, so it wasn’t like it wouldn’t affect his life much.

I aborted and felt resentful and sad for a while. Years later, we’re really happy. I have had moments when I feel regretful, but only in an abstract way for an idealized, perfect child. I never wish I had another daycare pickup or another kid to put to bed. I feel like the family is complete.