S/O Question for people who wouldn't go to a wedding if your kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

I'm the one you are criticizing for liking family time. I think it's the opposite of sad that I'm prioritizing the needs of my children above the needs of my old college roommate who I see once a year. It's practically the opposite of "can't see beyond myself". It's putting my kids ahead of casual friends.

I'm not criticizing you for liking family time, but you are obviously being defensive. When did we start talking about an old college roommate who you see once a year? Keep changing the goal posts if you need to in order to make your argument stronger.

DP. It sounds like you are the one being defensive...? Also yes most weddings people are invited to are old college roommates, etc., in my experience. You just sound like you think PP was implying you’re a bad mom for going to weddings. I think you need to relax and understand other people’s social lives are different than yours. I doubt this poster would miss her sister/best fruend’s wedding just to be home with her kids.

You have reading comprehension issues. I never thought PP was saying I'm a bad mom for going to weddings. I actually haven't gone to a single wedding since I've had kids because all of my friends were either married before that, have never gotten married, or eloped. So where did that come from? And what could I possibly be being defensive about? I couldn't care less if other people's social lives are different from mine. Obviously I'd expect that that would be the case. But I think people who don't consider that a wedding is important to someone and make an effort to go are rude.

PP expressed an opinion and you called her "sad" repeatedly. That sounds like criticism to me. And you seem to be very angry about her responses. So yes, you sound defensive. Also... why are you so opinionated about this when this hasn't actually affected your life since you had kids?????? Maybe respond once you've actually been invited to a wedding and then realized "oh yea, not sure I want to leave my children and spend a bunch of money to go to this." It honestly sounds like you read PP's post and heard "you're a bad person if you leave your kids for a weekend."

[Anonymous]

It depends on how close I am to the person who is getting married. If it’s no kids and my husband’s co-worker, he will go alone. I am never offended when kids aren’t invited but I won’t make any extra effort to attend.

I am from a large, close knit family and when I got married 16 years ago, I didn’t consider having a wedding with no kids because there are always so many kids in my family. When my cousin was planning her wedding, she sent out an “Adults Only” invitation to a small venue. I live out of town, so I declined. All the cousins who lived close and had children also declined. She ended up rescheduling and having the wedding in her grandmother’s backyard to accommodate more family but so many people were already so offended that she ended up with an amount that would have fit in her original venue. I did make an extra effort to attend because I knew so many cousins had declined (again).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I LOVE kid-free events, and I'm from the NYC area where almost all weddings are kid-free affairs with lots of food and have an open bar. However, for us, it comes down to expense.

Additionally, over the years, I have spent thousands attending out of state weddings that didn't work out. So, therefore I no longer view a wedding as something I want to spend a bunch of money on, especially when the couple gets divorced within five years. If it is a local wedding for a close friend, sure. If it is an out of town wedding for a close friend, we usually "send a delegate". I'm not hiring a weekend sitter to go to a wedding.

For what it is worth, I never understood the whole "just make a weekend out of it!" argument. I don't want to spend my vacation time and money, both of which are finite resources, attending a wedding. If I'm going to invest the time and money to enjoy a weekend away with my spouse, we are going to do exactly what we want to do. But all that is kind of a hypothetical anyway, as we no longer have someone to watch our kids for a weekend (grandparents in ill health).

So your experience at a wedding would be later dampened by the fact that the couple got divorced five years later? Are you serious? One of the best weddings I ever went to was in Italy. The entire two week trip was paid for, we stayed in a beautiful villa and a hotel in Rome and traveled all over Tuscany and Umbria. The couple later got divorced, but that in no way colors the time I spent in Italy.

NP. Right, because because a paid-for Italian vacation is the same thing as spending a few thousand dollars out of pocket (plus vacation time) to haul ass to Pennsylvania for a couple that quickly throws in the towel.

[Anonymous]

I'm now in my (early) 40s so am just past the phase of life when everyone I know is getting married. So, this doesn't come up much for us. Most of the weddings we're invited to now are people we're distantly related to (like cousins we barely see) and, when they invite us for a no-kids event, it usually is an out-of-state wedding I would not have shelled out the money/taken the time off work to attend anyway. We send a gift and our best wishes and that seems like enough.

It really does not bug me in the least when a couple decides to have a no-kids wedding. Like some PPs, I come from a big extended family so it would have felt odd to me to exclude some of the family members I feel close to (I have cousins 20 years younger than I am who were technically kids when DH and I married--but they were kids I'd known their whole lives!) But, different strokes.

As my kids get older I'd be more likely to consider a far-away wedding in a place where we knew friends/family who could babysit. I am not interested in leaving my kids here and flying thousands of miles away--no judgment on those who do, I just don't do it--and also not interested in taking them to a strange place to be watched by someone I don't know.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all of these but another reason we have said no to "adult only" out of town weddings is that my kids have activities going on. Now, I don't mind them missing, especially for a family or close friend's important event, but I do mind them missing if it's go out of town, they have to stay back in the hotel and miss the family event - and also miss their own activities. That feels kind of bad so in those situations, we have left one parent at home or skipped.

We were invited to an adult only wedding this summer - we went because it was also a holiday weekend and had no one to leave DS with at home(my other kid was away) and my DH really wanted to go. So we dragged DS on a 5 hour car ride, made him stay back in the hotel while we were at a 5 hour wedding, and drove him 5 hours back the next day. We had fun at the wedding but it was pretty lame for my DS.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

I'm the one you are criticizing for liking family time. I think it's the opposite of sad that I'm prioritizing the needs of my children above the needs of my old college roommate who I see once a year. It's practically the opposite of "can't see beyond myself". It's putting my kids ahead of casual friends.

No, no, no. You have completely changed the terms of the discussion, in a dishonest way. It's perfectly fine to like family time. No issue.

But that is not at all the same as prioritizing the needs of your children. If you think you children "need" to be with you all the time, and will be damaged if they aren't, you're either employing hyperbole to win an argument (who can argue, after all with the "needs of the kids?"), have a warped view of your relationship with your kids, or have a fundamentally unhealthy outlook on life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

Oh, FFS. Suffering through the weekend with grandma and grandpa?

And your suggestion that the guest list should be made with your parents in mind?

You keep talking and thinking you are making things better, but you aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for people with friends.

I fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go for logistical/ time with my kids reasons, but I would feel absolutely no resentment or hard feelings and expect the same from the couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

Oh, FFS. Suffering through the weekend with grandma and grandpa?

And your suggestion that the guest list should be made with your parents in mind?

You keep talking and thinking you are making things better, but you aren't.

My kids love their grandparents but come on - you’re saying it’s not difficult for people to watch 3 kids for 3 days at that age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s an out of town weddin we (almost) categorically wouldn’t go. Weekends are family time and going out of town for the weekend might mean that we go 12 days without really spending quality time with our kids together (rushed weeknight dinners followed by bathtime doesn’t count).

So you never do anything on the weekend that's not 100% family time? You never go away for a girls' weekend? Your husband never goes away for a guys' weekend? Sad. And I say this as someone who works full time, as does my husband.

NP. I don’t think it’s “sad” at all. I think it’s nice that she’s prioritizing time with her young children. Plus a lot of people don’t even like girls/guys weekends. They’re kind of a thing for extroverts with lots of disposable income.

Actually I'm an introvert. And I do think it's sad that people can't see beyond themselves and make time for their friends. Getting married is a big deal, and it's crappy to not even try to go.

I'm the one you are criticizing for liking family time. I think it's the opposite of sad that I'm prioritizing the needs of my children above the needs of my old college roommate who I see once a year. It's practically the opposite of "can't see beyond myself". It's putting my kids ahead of casual friends.

I Hess if you don’t want to HAVE any friends and have your life be all about your kids, that’s fine. But I have friends I’ve known way longer than kids have been alive and I feel it’s jmoirtant to make the effort.

Honestly, I'm sensing that you don't have kids. No one with kids would say that putting your kids needs ahead of your friends needs means "you don't want to have any friends and want your life to be all about your kids". What a strange thing to say.

Again, this is disingenuous, dishonest, and utter BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

Oh, FFS. Suffering through the weekend with grandma and grandpa?

And your suggestion that the guest list should be made with your parents in mind?

You keep talking and thinking you are making things better, but you aren't.

My kids love their grandparents but come on - you’re saying it’s not difficult for people to watch 3 kids for 3 days at that age?

Sure. But it's not incumbent on the bride and groom to factor that into the guest list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

Do. You. Realize. That. DH's sister's FIANCEE. Is. Also. Responsible. Stop laying this at her feet. Yes, she has a vagina. That doesn't make her unilaterally responsible for family dynamics, event planning, and logistics. Wake up.

They can plan the wedding they want. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Go, don't go. Go alone, go with your husband. WHATEVER. That is not their concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP of the no kids wedding rant. I would happily go to the wedding PROVIDED I HAVE CHILDCARE. The problem I have is when the couple getting married know that you will have difficulty finding someone and expect you to attend a whole weekend anyway. As stated in my thread, DH’s cousin is out of state and I don’t want to have to ask my parents (ages 65 & 75) to watch the kids for this weekend, so we’ve decided only DH will attend although I’d very much like to go to see the rest of his extended family. For his sister’s wedding it is expected we go, so we did ask my parents to watch the kids and they’ll all just have to suffer through the weekend while we’re gone. DH’s sister could have made this somewhat easier for my parents by inviting our 9 year old (who is sad he won’t get to hang out with his 13 year old cousin) so my parents only have to watch the 6 & 3 year old, but didn’t.

Do. You. Realize. That. DH's sister's FIANCEE. Is. Also. Responsible. Stop laying this at her feet. Yes, she has a vagina. That doesn't make her unilaterally responsible for family dynamics, event planning, and logistics. Wake up.

They can plan the wedding they want. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. Go, don't go. Go alone, go with your husband. WHATEVER. That is not their concern.

Why are you obsessed with my DH’s sister’s vagina? Obviously it was her decision. Fiancé didn’t care. DH is close with his sister and tried to talk her out of it, gently but didn’t push it.