S/O Question for people who wouldn't go to a wedding if your kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

I think it's odd to frame it as the couple dictating where you spend your vacation.... they can have their wedding wherever they want. They invite you to join, and you decide not to. They aren't trying to "dictate" anything simply by including you. If they then get pissy about you not coming, that's absurd, but of all of the weddings I have been to all over the place, I have never once thought of my friends and family trying to dictate my vacation time.

But isn't that the point of this thread and the other child-free wedding thread? A lot of people will get pissy if you decline the invitation to their child-free destination wedding. It seems like people with children are freaking out about child-free weddings because they feel like they've been summoned to the wedding (i.e. have so much family or social pressure that they can't decline without drama), but can't necessarily find adequate child care. Likewise, a lot of bridezillas seem to think that if you won't jump through a bunch of hoops, spend tons of money, and ditch your kids somewhere for their wedding, that you're not a true friend. If everyone treated wedding invitations like an invitation and not a summons, none of this drama would exist.

No, that's not the point of this thread. This thread isn't about people who get married and think everyone should drop everything to be there regardless of how it inconveniences them. Honestly, I don't know anyone like that in real life. This thread isn't about the couple getting married at all - its about people who are peeved when their kids aren't invited. Plenty of people have articulated very logical reasons that they can't make kid free weddings work, particularly when they're out of town.

I had a kid-free destination wedding. The majority of our friends with kids were able to be there, and we were so grateful. Of course there were friends that weren't able to make it due to childcare reasons or financial reasons. I never once thought twice about it and we're all still friends. Who are these people getting so bent out of shape over this stuff, both kids not being invited and guests not being able to come? I know there is a lot of bridezilla behavior out there, but I have been through the wedding planning process with so many friends and this just has never been a real issue (with one exception of a friend whose extended family was really pissed about the no kids thing, but that stemmed from cultural reasons).

no no- read the original question on page 1- it is just about why you would decline invites to child free weddings specifically for the "child free" reason. NOT about people being offended by the prospect, just about why they wouldn't typically attend. usually because of child care costs or logistics or in some cases, priorities with how to spend time on the weekends when little kids are at home.

OK, but it's definitely NOT about the couple getting married being pissy if others decline.

(But that would be a fun thread)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

I think it's odd to frame it as the couple dictating where you spend your vacation.... they can have their wedding wherever they want. They invite you to join, and you decide not to. They aren't trying to "dictate" anything simply by including you. If they then get pissy about you not coming, that's absurd, but of all of the weddings I have been to all over the place, I have never once thought of my friends and family trying to dictate my vacation time.

But isn't that the point of this thread and the other child-free wedding thread? A lot of people will get pissy if you decline the invitation to their child-free destination wedding. It seems like people with children are freaking out about child-free weddings because they feel like they've been summoned to the wedding (i.e. have so much family or social pressure that they can't decline without drama), but can't necessarily find adequate child care. Likewise, a lot of bridezillas seem to think that if you won't jump through a bunch of hoops, spend tons of money, and ditch your kids somewhere for their wedding, that you're not a true friend. If everyone treated wedding invitations like an invitation and not a summons, none of this drama would exist.

No, that's not the point of this thread. This thread isn't about people who get married and think everyone should drop everything to be there regardless of how it inconveniences them. Honestly, I don't know anyone like that in real life. This thread isn't about the couple getting married at all - its about people who are peeved when their kids aren't invited. Plenty of people have articulated very logical reasons that they can't make kid free weddings work, particularly when they're out of town.

I had a kid-free destination wedding. The majority of our friends with kids were able to be there, and we were so grateful. Of course there were friends that weren't able to make it due to childcare reasons or financial reasons. I never once thought twice about it and we're all still friends. Who are these people getting so bent out of shape over this stuff, both kids not being invited and guests not being able to come? I know there is a lot of bridezilla behavior out there, but I have been through the wedding planning process with so many friends and this just has never been a real issue (with one exception of a friend whose extended family was really pissed about the no kids thing, but that stemmed from cultural reasons).

no no- read the original question on page 1- it is just about why you would decline invites to child free weddings specifically for the "child free" reason. NOT about people being offended by the prospect, just about why they wouldn't typically attend. usually because of child care costs or logistics or in some cases, priorities with how to spend time on the weekends when little kids are at home.

OK, but it's definitely NOT about the couple getting married being pissy if others decline.

Agree- I've never experienced a couple being pissy that we declined a wedding invite. I imagine if they were really upset that certain people declined, then they would change their wedding decisions around to have those people there. NOT that they are in ANY way obligated to do that- just, if they are really upset that people aren't making the trip because of not being able to bring their kids, then they can change their decisions about the wedding so that those people would be more likely to come. It's totally up to the couple themselves- it's their wedding!

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t go to a kid-free wedding when I was nursing.

Now that my kids are preschoolers, I would go if it was in town but not if it was out of town. Even in town I would only do the wedding and reception not the rehearsal and brunch. I work and I am not going to basically give up my whole weekend with my kids for a wedding. Out of town so would skip. My parents can handle my kids for a night, but not for 36-48hrs. Maybe in a few years when the kids are more self sufficient I’d go without them. For now, my husband or I would go alone and leave the other parent home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my kid and I don’t care that much about your wedding.

OK, see, this is the problem. The implication is that parents who happily attend weddings without their kids don't LIKE their kids. You must be able to see how that is absurd. And as this thread demonstrates, there is a spectrum of how much many of us care about weddings depending on who is getting married. I don't care much about a peripheral friend's wedding, or a friend who I have lost close touch with over the years, but I care a hell of a lot about the weddings of close friends and family.

But you know all of that and are just being obtuse.

I think you're being nice by calling them obtuse. I think they are rude on so many levels.

It's a 13-word sentence; how many levels could there be? LOL

I have no shade to throw regarding people who go to weddings without their kids. YMMV. In my particular situation, I'd rather spend the limited free time I have with my kid than at any wedding. It goes for all weddings, regardless of the closeness of the parties getting married. We didn't even want to go to our own wedding--we eloped. It was fantastic.

So you wouldn't go to your best friend's wedding if it meant being away from your kid for a weekend?

No. I have to travel enough for work that any additional time away at this point isn't attractive. My best friend has a similar job and would understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my kid and I don’t care that much about your wedding.

OK, see, this is the problem. The implication is that parents who happily attend weddings without their kids don't LIKE their kids. You must be able to see how that is absurd. And as this thread demonstrates, there is a spectrum of how much many of us care about weddings depending on who is getting married. I don't care much about a peripheral friend's wedding, or a friend who I have lost close touch with over the years, but I care a hell of a lot about the weddings of close friends and family.

But you know all of that and are just being obtuse.

I think you're being nice by calling them obtuse. I think they are rude on so many levels.

It's a 13-word sentence; how many levels could there be? LOL

I have no shade to throw regarding people who go to weddings without their kids. YMMV. In my particular situation, I'd rather spend the limited free time I have with my kid than at any wedding. It goes for all weddings, regardless of the closeness of the parties getting married. We didn't even want to go to our own wedding--we eloped. It was fantastic.

So you wouldn't go to your best friend's wedding if it meant being away from your kid for a weekend?

No. I have to travel enough for work that any additional time away at this point isn't attractive. My best friend has a similar job and would understand it.

Not a choice I would make, but you seem comfortable with it and that's what matters. To each her own!

[Anonymous]

Interesting story related to this (for me at least)- a friend was getting married last summer in southern CA (we all live in Maryland). They made very clear that it was going to be a child free wedding- the save the date specifically said that regrettably there would be no children at the event. So it made it very easy for guests to either make plans well ahead of time or decline. We declined, because my DH didn't want to budget 2k for a solo vacation (flight- we have no airline points- hotel for 3 nights, entertainment etc) which would then mean we would have to cut waaay back on our family vacation plans for that summer. I don't get the impression the couple minded at all- we are still good friends with them. BUT- the bride's sister had 3 young kids and threw an absolute FIT. Both sides behaved really badly. The bride was like "no exceptions- no kids at all!!!" and the bride's sister was like "but we have no one to watch them for a 4 day weekend since all of our relatives are going to be AT THE WEDDING and we won't be able to come!!!" (apparently she didn't want to go solo). I place more blame on the bride's sister for not just keeping her mouth shut and going solo to the wedding. As it ended, she did not attend the wedding and the bride was LIVID at her sister for not coming (which I thought was also very unfair of her). They are still basically estranged to this day over the matter.

[Anonymous]

^ Both deserve a lot of blame. The sister shouldn't have had a hissy about her kids not being invited, and instead she should have just declined the invitation. The bride shouldn't get upset with her sister for not attending. Simple. If you're having a child free wedding, that's fine, but you have to accept that many guests who don't live in town aren't going to be able to come.

Again, an invitation is not a summons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Both deserve a lot of blame. The sister shouldn't have had a hissy about her kids not being invited, and instead she should have just declined the invitation. The bride shouldn't get upset with her sister for not attending. Simple. If you're having a child free wedding, that's fine, but you have to accept that many guests who don't live in town aren't going to be able to come.

Again, an invitation is not a summons.

I agree. I think they both behaved really badly about it. From what I ascertained, the bride and her sister weren't particularly close to start with so it was more of a family drama issue as opposed to a personal sadness at the sisters not being able to share this event together. Probably why the sister didn't just come solo and not comment on the kid-free thing, which is what I would have done if necessary (and I am someone who almost always declines a child free wedding invite- just like we did for this wedding)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait! You invited me and DH to your fancy party with drinks and food and entertainment and you aren’t providing childcare in the form of the other guests do it while I drink? What? The kid cries during your special ceremony? It’s a kid it cries so what ? Look if you can’t take care of my kids I’m not coming !!

Please tell me you don't know people like this in real life!

Unfortunately actually I DO know relatives like this: dis functional family. Hurtful at the time.

[Anonymous]

^^ they didn’t just decline. They made a big ugly scene at the wedding. I finally gave in about the kids. When they got there and it was a formal evening wedding they got all pissy and walked out. Never met the groom. My DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Both deserve a lot of blame. The sister shouldn't have had a hissy about her kids not being invited, and instead she should have just declined the invitation. The bride shouldn't get upset with her sister for not attending. Simple. If you're having a child free wedding, that's fine, but you have to accept that many guests who don't live in town aren't going to be able to come.

Again, an invitation is not a summons.

Guy PP again: this is BS, she should have just gone solo. If she’s OK doing overnight girls-week-type getaways, then she can suck it up and go to the wedding solo. However, your own sister should be a clear exception to the no-kids edict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-I wouldn't trust out-of-state child care I don't know, so that would never be an option. And if the cost of traveling with the kids was prohibitive, and one of us didn't want to sit out the reception to be with the kids, we'd just say no.

-A lot depends on the destination. I have zero desire to go to a wedding in Wisconsin. If the same couple were getting married in San Francisco, I'd consider it. (I'm not knocking Wisconsin; it's a beautiful state, it's just not a place I'm willing to shell out money and inconvenience to visit at this stage of my life.)

-All that being said, I have done it both ways, and I definitely would leave the kids at home with my ILs or a trusted babysitter. But it depends entirely on who is getting married, where, how much it costs, etc.

This except replace the bolded with: depends on how close I am with the people getting married. I would absolutely go to my sibling’s or close friend’s wedding, even if it were in an uninteresting place like Wisconsin or Kansas. I would still likely choose NOT to spend the money to go the wedding of someone I’m not really close to, even if they were having it at the Ritz at Big Sur (which actually happened, and no, I didn’t go).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Both deserve a lot of blame. The sister shouldn't have had a hissy about her kids not being invited, and instead she should have just declined the invitation. The bride shouldn't get upset with her sister for not attending. Simple. If you're having a child free wedding, that's fine, but you have to accept that many guests who don't live in town aren't going to be able to come.

Again, an invitation is not a summons.

Guy PP again: this is BS, she should have just gone solo. If she’s OK doing overnight girls-week-type getaways, then she can suck it up and go to the wedding solo. However, your own sister should be a clear exception to the no-kids edict.

I think it's BS that the bride can put a bunch of obstacles in people's way to attend her wedding, and then have any kind of hissy if people aren't willing to jump through all of those hoops. It all turns into some weird love power struggle, where the bride thinks that if people love her enough, they'll move heaven and earth to be there on her special day, and the guests feel like if the bride loved them enough, she wouldn't be trying to make the day such an inconvenient, expensive, pain-in-the-ass for them.

Maybe I'm just a really low-key person, but I tried to make it as easy and convenient as possible to attend my wedding. I can't even fathom telling a sibling that I expected their presence, but they would need to leave their children (my nieces and nephews!) behind or even leave their spouse behind as childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ Both deserve a lot of blame. The sister shouldn't have had a hissy about her kids not being invited, and instead she should have just declined the invitation. The bride shouldn't get upset with her sister for not attending. Simple. If you're having a child free wedding, that's fine, but you have to accept that many guests who don't live in town aren't going to be able to come.

Again, an invitation is not a summons.

Guy PP again: this is BS, she should have just gone solo. If she’s OK doing overnight girls-week-type getaways, then she can suck it up and go to the wedding solo. However, your own sister should be a clear exception to the no-kids edict.

Disagree. If it were just no kids at ceremony and reception but the whole family was welcome for the wedding weekend that might be workable, but no kids for a 4 day weekend across the country is a really big ask. That's three overnights! That's take multiple days off work territory already.

Not everyone does "overnight girl's week" type getaways, I love my friends but that is just not a thing we've ever done, so i think the "if she's ok with" may be a red herring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is sort of a cultural thing too. I have lots of Indian friends and they absolutely wouldn't attend without children. I think the cultural thing might be skewing results.

^THIS Many cultures are like this. I think it's a weird American thing that separate generationally