S/O Question for people who wouldn't go to a wedding if your kids aren't invited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

And my day in, day out is a mess of sticky fingers, chasing DD around, working, and basically participating in the grind. I wouldn’t trade my life for anything, but what a treat to have a reason to buy a pretty dress, get my hair and nails done, celebrate inone of my friend’s most important moments, and enjoy purely adult conversation, while sipping a few adult drinks.

And the thread is about children at weddings, not destination weddings. I’m sorry that after your wedding, you resent other weddings so much, but the fact that you’re so bitter and refuse to attend someone else’s wedding because doesn’t include your children speaks more about you than it does them.

Your treat is someone else's hell. Nothing about having to shop for a dress, or pretty-princess myself up sounds appealing in any way.

I think on this thread, almost everyone agreed that they would just get a sitter for a local no-kids wedding. So, the destination and out-of-town child-free weddings are highly relevant to the thread, as those are the ones people don't want to do without their kids. Just to give an example, if someone close to me were getting married in California, Hawaii, Europe, or somewhere else I actually wanted to visit, I would attend the wedding but then make a longer family vacation out of it. If my kids aren't included, it's not worth the time and expense to arrange for a multi-day sitter, pay for airfare for myself and husband, pay for hotel rooms, and pay for everything else involved in the wedding.

I agree... in which case, you’re u just RSVP regrets. This isn’t as hard as people are making it out to be. The bridal couple even sent yiu a card with postage!

I think what a lot of people are saying is that yes, we do, and that's it- no malice or ill will, just an rsvp of no and a congratulations card to the couple. There is someone on here who insinuates (or actually, says outright) that this means we have terrible priorities and are ruining our kids childhoods by not attending without them. Oh, and destroying our friendships. Without that one troll this thread would have died on page 2

I don't subscribe to the "you're paying for your plate" philosophy on wedding gifts, so I think a gift off the registry is at least warranted. Doubly so if you don't want ill will, want to preserve the friendship, and this is someone who may have used their own vacation days and probably more limited funds in their younger years to attend your own wedding.

I never said I subscribed to that philosophy. If it's a younger family member (lets say, a 25 year old cousin who was just a high schooler when I got married) or someone who attended our wedding and gave a gift, etc, I certainly include a check in the congratulations card. Didn't think I needed to specify that since it wasn't really the point of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

I think it's odd to frame it as the couple dictating where you spend your vacation.... they can have their wedding wherever they want. They invite you to join, and you decide not to. They aren't trying to "dictate" anything simply by including you. If they then get pissy about you not coming, that's absurd, but of all of the weddings I have been to all over the place, I have never once thought of my friends and family trying to dictate my vacation time.

But isn't that the point of this thread and the other child-free wedding thread? A lot of people will get pissy if you decline the invitation to their child-free destination wedding. It seems like people with children are freaking out about child-free weddings because they feel like they've been summoned to the wedding (i.e. have so much family or social pressure that they can't decline without drama), but can't necessarily find adequate child care. Likewise, a lot of bridezillas seem to think that if you won't jump through a bunch of hoops, spend tons of money, and ditch your kids somewhere for their wedding, that you're not a true friend. If everyone treated wedding invitations like an invitation and not a summons, none of this drama would exist.

No, that's not the point of this thread. This thread isn't about people who get married and think everyone should drop everything to be there regardless of how it inconveniences them. Honestly, I don't know anyone like that in real life. This thread isn't about the couple getting married at all - its about people who are peeved when their kids aren't invited. Plenty of people have articulated very logical reasons that they can't make kid free weddings work, particularly when they're out of town.

I had a kid-free destination wedding. The majority of our friends with kids were able to be there, and we were so grateful. Of course there were friends that weren't able to make it due to childcare reasons or financial reasons. I never once thought twice about it and we're all still friends. Who are these people getting so bent out of shape over this stuff, both kids not being invited and guests not being able to come? I know there is a lot of bridezilla behavior out there, but I have been through the wedding planning process with so many friends and this just has never been a real issue (with one exception of a friend whose extended family was really pissed about the no kids thing, but that stemmed from cultural reasons).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were invited to a Napa winery wedding when DD would be 5 months old. We planned to go, but after RSVPing the bride reached out to us to say that children are not allowed at the reception, but that a nanny would be available on site. I was not comfortable leaving my 5-month-old with a nanny when I didn't know how many other kids there would be... so we changed our RSVP to a "no".

I would feel the same way as you with a five month, and would feel very differently if it were a five year old. The context matters, as so many posters, including you, have articulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something also that I never thought about before having kids- please let parents know if kids are invited when you send out save the dates. I can't plan our vacations or line up sitters unless I know in advance. 4 weeks once I get your invite isn't enough time.

I'm pretty anti-kids at weddings though.

If the kids names aren't on the save the date address, they are not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like my kid and I don’t care that much about your wedding.

OK, see, this is the problem. The implication is that parents who happily attend weddings without their kids don't LIKE their kids. You must be able to see how that is absurd. And as this thread demonstrates, there is a spectrum of how much many of us care about weddings depending on who is getting married. I don't care much about a peripheral friend's wedding, or a friend who I have lost close touch with over the years, but I care a hell of a lot about the weddings of close friends and family.

But you know all of that and are just being obtuse.

I think you're being nice by calling them obtuse. I think they are rude on so many levels.

It's a 13-word sentence; how many levels could there be? LOL

I have no shade to throw regarding people who go to weddings without their kids. YMMV. In my particular situation, I'd rather spend the limited free time I have with my kid than at any wedding. It goes for all weddings, regardless of the closeness of the parties getting married. We didn't even want to go to our own wedding--we eloped. It was fantastic.

So you wouldn't go to your best friend's wedding if it meant being away from your kid for a weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were invited to a Napa winery wedding when DD would be 5 months old. We planned to go, but after RSVPing the bride reached out to us to say that children are not allowed at the reception, but that a nanny would be available on site. I was not comfortable leaving my 5-month-old with a nanny when I didn't know how many other kids there would be... so we changed our RSVP to a "no".

I would feel the same way as you with a five month, and would feel very differently if it were a five year old. The context matters, as so many posters, including you, have articulated.

I go to a lot of wineries and many have strict no under 21 year old policies. I think a 5 month old would have been perfectly fine with an onsite nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something also that I never thought about before having kids- please let parents know if kids are invited when you send out save the dates. I can't plan our vacations or line up sitters unless I know in advance. 4 weeks once I get your invite isn't enough time.

I'm pretty anti-kids at weddings though.

If the kids names aren't on the save the date address, they are not invited.

I've noticed that save the date addressing is very casual. It's often "The Smiths" instead of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Larla. You really can't tell by the save the date address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something also that I never thought about before having kids- please let parents know if kids are invited when you send out save the dates. I can't plan our vacations or line up sitters unless I know in advance. 4 weeks once I get your invite isn't enough time.

I'm pretty anti-kids at weddings though.

If the kids names aren't on the save the date address, they are not invited.

I've noticed that save the date addressing is very casual. It's often "The Smiths" instead of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Larla. You really can't tell by the save the date address.

That's tough - if I got a Save the Date that said "The Smiths" I would assume my kid was invited. Agree that people should be mindful of this.

[Anonymous]

Wait! You invited me and DH to your fancy party with drinks and food and entertainment and you aren’t providing childcare in the form of the other guests do it while I drink? What? The kid cries during your special ceremony? It’s a kid it cries so what ? Look if you can’t take care of my kids I’m not coming !!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait! You invited me and DH to your fancy party with drinks and food and entertainment and you aren’t providing childcare in the form of the other guests do it while I drink? What? The kid cries during your special ceremony? It’s a kid it cries so what ? Look if you can’t take care of my kids I’m not coming !!

Please tell me you don't know people like this in real life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

I think it's odd to frame it as the couple dictating where you spend your vacation.... they can have their wedding wherever they want. They invite you to join, and you decide not to. They aren't trying to "dictate" anything simply by including you. If they then get pissy about you not coming, that's absurd, but of all of the weddings I have been to all over the place, I have never once thought of my friends and family trying to dictate my vacation time.

But isn't that the point of this thread and the other child-free wedding thread? A lot of people will get pissy if you decline the invitation to their child-free destination wedding. It seems like people with children are freaking out about child-free weddings because they feel like they've been summoned to the wedding (i.e. have so much family or social pressure that they can't decline without drama), but can't necessarily find adequate child care. Likewise, a lot of bridezillas seem to think that if you won't jump through a bunch of hoops, spend tons of money, and ditch your kids somewhere for their wedding, that you're not a true friend. If everyone treated wedding invitations like an invitation and not a summons, none of this drama would exist.

No, that's not the point of this thread. This thread isn't about people who get married and think everyone should drop everything to be there regardless of how it inconveniences them. Honestly, I don't know anyone like that in real life. This thread isn't about the couple getting married at all - its about people who are peeved when their kids aren't invited. Plenty of people have articulated very logical reasons that they can't make kid free weddings work, particularly when they're out of town.

I had a kid-free destination wedding. The majority of our friends with kids were able to be there, and we were so grateful. Of course there were friends that weren't able to make it due to childcare reasons or financial reasons. I never once thought twice about it and we're all still friends. Who are these people getting so bent out of shape over this stuff, both kids not being invited and guests not being able to come? I know there is a lot of bridezilla behavior out there, but I have been through the wedding planning process with so many friends and this just has never been a real issue (with one exception of a friend whose extended family was really pissed about the no kids thing, but that stemmed from cultural reasons).

no no- read the original question on page 1- it is just about why you would decline invites to child free weddings specifically for the "child free" reason. NOT about people being offended by the prospect, just about why they wouldn't typically attend. usually because of child care costs or logistics or in some cases, priorities with how to spend time on the weekends when little kids are at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something also that I never thought about before having kids- please let parents know if kids are invited when you send out save the dates. I can't plan our vacations or line up sitters unless I know in advance. 4 weeks once I get your invite isn't enough time.

I'm pretty anti-kids at weddings though.

If the kids names aren't on the save the date address, they are not invited.

This is what I go by too. Some invites say "The Smith Family", some say "John and Jane Smith".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were invited to a Napa winery wedding when DD would be 5 months old. We planned to go, but after RSVPing the bride reached out to us to say that children are not allowed at the reception, but that a nanny would be available on site. I was not comfortable leaving my 5-month-old with a nanny when I didn't know how many other kids there would be... so we changed our RSVP to a "no".

I would feel the same way as you with a five month, and would feel very differently if it were a five year old. The context matters, as so many posters, including you, have articulated.

I go to a lot of wineries and many have strict no under 21 year old policies. I think a 5 month old would have been perfectly fine with an onsite nanny!

Then you probably would have accepted the invite- great! Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were invited to a Napa winery wedding when DD would be 5 months old. We planned to go, but after RSVPing the bride reached out to us to say that children are not allowed at the reception, but that a nanny would be available on site. I was not comfortable leaving my 5-month-old with a nanny when I didn't know how many other kids there would be... so we changed our RSVP to a "no".

I would feel the same way as you with a five month, and would feel very differently if it were a five year old. The context matters, as so many posters, including you, have articulated.

I go to a lot of wineries and many have strict no under 21 year old policies. I think a 5 month old would have been perfectly fine with an onsite nanny!

I wouldn’t leave my infant (or even toddler) with an on-site nanny. I think it’s fine if other people do, but I personally couldn’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is surprising to me are the number of people who apparently think fancy hotel black tie gala weddings are actually fun instead of something to be endured because you like your family and friends. I find them so boring!

Me too! X1000 when it’s a destination. Forgive me for not wanting you to dictate where I spend my one vacation per year.

I think it's odd to frame it as the couple dictating where you spend your vacation.... they can have their wedding wherever they want. They invite you to join, and you decide not to. They aren't trying to "dictate" anything simply by including you. If they then get pissy about you not coming, that's absurd, but of all of the weddings I have been to all over the place, I have never once thought of my friends and family trying to dictate my vacation time.

But isn't that the point of this thread and the other child-free wedding thread? A lot of people will get pissy if you decline the invitation to their child-free destination wedding. It seems like people with children are freaking out about child-free weddings because they feel like they've been summoned to the wedding (i.e. have so much family or social pressure that they can't decline without drama), but can't necessarily find adequate child care. Likewise, a lot of bridezillas seem to think that if you won't jump through a bunch of hoops, spend tons of money, and ditch your kids somewhere for their wedding, that you're not a true friend. If everyone treated wedding invitations like an invitation and not a summons, none of this drama would exist.

No, that's not the point of this thread. This thread isn't about people who get married and think everyone should drop everything to be there regardless of how it inconveniences them. Honestly, I don't know anyone like that in real life. This thread isn't about the couple getting married at all - its about people who are peeved when their kids aren't invited. Plenty of people have articulated very logical reasons that they can't make kid free weddings work, particularly when they're out of town.

I had a kid-free destination wedding. The majority of our friends with kids were able to be there, and we were so grateful. Of course there were friends that weren't able to make it due to childcare reasons or financial reasons. I never once thought twice about it and we're all still friends. Who are these people getting so bent out of shape over this stuff, both kids not being invited and guests not being able to come? I know there is a lot of bridezilla behavior out there, but I have been through the wedding planning process with so many friends and this just has never been a real issue (with one exception of a friend whose extended family was really pissed about the no kids thing, but that stemmed from cultural reasons).

no no- read the original question on page 1- it is just about why you would decline invites to child free weddings specifically for the "child free" reason. NOT about people being offended by the prospect, just about why they wouldn't typically attend. usually because of child care costs or logistics or in some cases, priorities with how to spend time on the weekends when little kids are at home.

OK, but it's definitely NOT about the couple getting married being pissy if others decline.