Does anyone worry about "bad genes"?

[Anonymous]

Well, if I had, my DH's family could have fooled me. As in:

I was from the family that had sexual abuse, a lot of DUIs, suicide, bipolar disorder. DH was from the family that had stability, great careers, etc.

But it was DH who turned out to be the alcohol addict.

[Anonymous]

My in laws never really talked about their genetic issues while I was dating my DH. I was very impressed with DH’s family- all college educated with advanced degrees, except for BIL, who they said, has Asperger’s. Compare that to my family who grew up low class in SE Asia. My DH was forthcoming about his ADD since he was 9. Anyway, after I gave birth to our son, my MIL showed really old pictures of her family with similar facial features as my BIL. Turns out, Fragile X runs in her side of the family. My DH only has a premutation and BIL has a full mutation. I’ve been keeping watch of my son, making sure we catch any signs of autism. We are stopping at one child, though. We can’t risk a daughter passing it on.

[Anonymous]

People who have suffered bad genes in action are much more educated and aware than those who have never lived through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of weird-ass eugenics in this thread.

this

Well I'm glad my DH married me and had kids with me despite having a history of anxiety/depression/alcoholism in my family.

I'm guessing you're just being flip but I do hope you take your family history seriously and watch for these issues in your children. I say this as a daughter and granddaughter of alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

Same here. I literally opted out of marrying someone after I've found out his side of the family had mental issues and pretty severe alcoholism cases spanning multiple generations. My DH's family has none of these issues. Everyone is happy, healthy, bright, kind/loving, and non-drinkers. My DH's ex has severe mental/health issues and unfortunately they're beginning to show in my step-DC. Genes always win.

[Anonymous]

Agree. Spend time asking about and meeting the family and siblings. Go with your gut too. I certainly wish I had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

Same here. I literally opted out of marrying someone after I've found out his side of the family had mental issues and pretty severe alcoholism cases spanning multiple generations. My DH's family has none of these issues. Everyone is happy, healthy, bright, kind/loving, and non-drinkers. My DH's ex has severe mental/health issues and unfortunately they're beginning to show in my step-DC. Genes always win.

Don’t brag too much. Life is full of surprises, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Suicide mental illness and ravaging cancers on both sides. I will do my best with my kids but worry, worry, worry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

Same here. I literally opted out of marrying someone after I've found out his side of the family had mental issues and pretty severe alcoholism cases spanning multiple generations. My DH's family has none of these issues. Everyone is happy, healthy, bright, kind/loving, and non-drinkers. My DH's ex has severe mental/health issues and unfortunately they're beginning to show in my step-DC. Genes always win.

Don’t brag too much. Life is full of surprises, unfortunately.

+1. I’ve seen many of these “genes always win” parents get nasty surprises. . As for your DH’s ex, my guess is that you’ve only heard his side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Good genes don’t always win but bad ones turn up regularly. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

BIL has a personality disorder, my mom is kind and brilliant but probably would have been found to be on the spectrum in a different time. I watch my kids’ (teen and tween) social interactions closely, there is some anxiety that we address but they are doing great.

I absolutely think it is important to not overlook family in many respects, including mental health traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL has a personality disorder, my mom is kind and brilliant but probably would have been found to be on the spectrum in a different time. I watch my kids’ (teen and tween) social interactions closely, there is some anxiety that we address but they are doing great.

I absolutely think it is important to not overlook family in many respects, including mental health traits.

I think the ship has sailed once you have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

How many men noped their way out of you?

HaHa. My thoughts exactly. She’s pretty full of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I didn't realize until after DC was born that both parents and sets of grandparents have undiagnosed mental health issues. Shrug, no regrets about DC and will just provide the best support I can.

This is the only way to go. My kids have some issues, but they also have some gifts. Most of all, they’ve learned personal grit and an acceptance of others’ special needs.

[Anonymous]

I am single and dating. I have one child already, I do sometimes wonder how he’ll turn out, based on what I’ve come to learn about his dad’s side of the family.

Though I don’t want any additional children at the moment, it’s something I’m open to if I meet a partner who wants them. In my dating, I now pretty much look for the same things the PP above mentioned, in terms of healthy extended family members and dynamics.

My family side has some serious emotional and behavioral issues and dysfunction as well, and I want to lower the chance that any future kids inherit an all-around bad set of genes.