Does anyone worry about "bad genes"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes adhd. I don’t know how she did it with her adhd husband and adhd sons. Well, actually I do: they lived a very very simple life, she made every decision and enables them all.

ADHD cannot be helped, PP, so please don't use the term "enabling", as if it was something within the patient's control. Like many mental health disorders, there are aspects to ADHD that can generate creative energy, but for many people, the overall burden far outweighs this perk.

You really, really, need to watch your language, because other people pick up on your cues.

Untreated adhd is a nightmare for running a busy household.

Adhd symptoms are manageable with the right coaching, therapy, system and medicine.

[Anonymous]

It’s not eugenics to think about inherented illness both mental and physical. It’s just common sense. Mental illness is inherented. (Read an Unqiuet Mind) and physical illnesses are also inherented.
It doesn’t mean that you have 100% certainty both for and against but genetics is a very strong force. There are a significant number of people who chose child free because they have seen inherited diseases up close in their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes adhd. I don’t know how she did it with her adhd husband and adhd sons. Well, actually I do: they lived a very very simple life, she made every decision and enables them all.

ADHD cannot be helped, PP, so please don't use the term "enabling", as if it was something within the patient's control. Like many mental health disorders, there are aspects to ADHD that can generate creative energy, but for many people, the overall burden far outweighs this perk.

You really, really, need to watch your language, because other people pick up on your cues.

I’d call doing everything for your 40 yo son who can’t hold down a job or finish any of his 5 degrees or not behave professionally in any environment all while paying him a lucrative allowance enabling and codependency. Absolutely.
And not diagnosing your adhd sons or spouse over the decades and not getting them help is wrong as well. The nonstop, nonsensical excuses for each and every weekly setback should have been a big clue that something is wrong.

[Anonymous]

My side has all (most of) the issues. Glad my DH didn't think about this. I did worry about it but still decided to go ahead with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about other bad genes like cancer running in the family. The mental health issues can be treated as can alcoholic tendencies.

Many people who never faced these issues believe that... iIis so hard to treat both. Cancer might be easier to treat in not so distant future.

[Anonymous]

My DH has three siblings with a serious genetic disease that is recessive. I knew the chances were minuscule that I carried the same gene, so no worries. Turns out he is a carrier for another genetic disease for which there is no family history. The disease was thought to be recessive, but it is now known that you can get it inheriting a mutation from just one parent. Our child has this.

You just never know.

[Anonymous]

I worry about the propensity toward alcoholism on my side. I'm not a drinker (that is, I drink maybe a couple cocktails a month at most), but one of my parents and so many of my grandparents, uncles and cousins are alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is not a disease. It is poorly defined even as a condition or disorder of any kind. I’d call it a fashionable way of being annoyed with people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I weirdly worry about the gene-pool from my DH's side of the family. They tend to drink a lot and are very dysfunctional with some diagnosed mental issues. Its all a hot toxic mess.

I worry procreating with him would mean risking my children inheriting genetic factors.

Is this a thing?

Of course. My BIL and MIL are both extremely socially awkward and would definitely be considered “in the spectrum” if born today. And alcoholism runs all throughout my family so of course I worry. Thankfully my two kids seem fine socially although one is a bit anxious. When they become teens will talk to them about how alcoholism is hereditary and they are predisposed.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a thing. Focus on the learned behaviors and make sure you and your husband have good mechanisms for dealing with stress and anxiety. Get therapy if you need help to develop these. It's very difficult to develop healthy ways of dealing with this when it wasn't modeled for you growing up. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My side of the family is rife with substance abuse and suicide. It wasn't until after we had kids and the oldest was diagnosed with ADHD was my DH diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Through a lot of education and research, I have learned that with knowledge, interventions and supports, outcomes are far more positive. I know what happens when that isn't present so I have worked hard with my kids and my DH to ensure they know how they are different and their risks. My kids are now teenagers and while we still have our challenges, they are on the right paths.

I have no regrets about having kids with 'bad genes' and would discourage them from seeking a life partner who wasn't willing to learn what I learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I weirdly worry about the gene-pool from my DH's side of the family. They tend to drink a lot and are very dysfunctional with some diagnosed mental issues. Its all a hot toxic mess.

I worry procreating with him would mean risking my children inheriting genetic factors.

Is this a thing?

Of course. My BIL and MIL are both extremely socially awkward and would definitely be considered “in the spectrum” if born today. And alcoholism runs all throughout my family so of course I worry. Thankfully my two kids seem fine socially although one is a bit anxious. When they become teens will talk to them about how alcoholism is hereditary and they are predisposed.

Please don't wait until your kids are teens to start talking--not just one big talk but ongoing talk over years--about alcohol. In elementary school kids are already becoming aware of alcohol and the idea of drunkenness. If you don't believe me, well, please do; you'll find that a lot of parents you know already let their "mature" older elementary kids watch TV comedies that refer to drinking and drunkenness at points and kids do absorb messages parents done even know they're getting.

My friend's father is British and was the son of an alcoholic. When friend's dad, who never drank because he hated what drinking did to his own dad, was in his 20s and married an American, they moved to the US partly because the dad felt that Britain has more of a "drink to get drunk" culture than the US does and he didn't want to raise kids there. (I'm married to an English guy, we spend a lot of time there, and I agree about how acceptable drinking is there compared to here, generally.) He talked to his kids early about how alcoholism has a genetic component and they need to be aware of that if they make a choice to drink. My friend and his brother say it wasn't heavy-handed, but it was a consistent message, and he was clear they could choose to drink when old enough, it was just something they knew they had to think about before they chose to drink. Neither drinks alcohol at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL has mental problems.
Wasn’t worried about genetics until DH recently developed them too.

+1

It is difficult when the family is secretive and not forthcoming (ie: deny if you ask them about any little thing, so I imagine asking about mental health is off the table). Learn as much as you can before you get married. Finding out about anxiety and depression - that becomes MUCH more than that, after you are married with children, is too late. Sometimes, people look "perfect" on the outside, but on the inside, behind closed doors, it is quite a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My side of the family is rife with substance abuse and suicide. It wasn't until after we had kids and the oldest was diagnosed with ADHD was my DH diagnosed with ADHD and depression. Through a lot of education and research, I have learned that with knowledge, interventions and supports, outcomes are far more positive. I know what happens when that isn't present so I have worked hard with my kids and my DH to ensure they know how they are different and their risks. My kids are now teenagers and while we still have our challenges, they are on the right paths.

I have no regrets about having kids with 'bad genes' and would discourage them from seeking a life partner who wasn't willing to learn what I learned.

x100000

Nailed it. It is the families that deny and try to cover up their mental health that are not fooling anyone, and create more work (actually, an impossible amount of work) for their DC. Shame on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH’s gene pool is also problematic and I worry about our kids.

It is a thing and I wish I had considered it before procreating.

Right. It has become more apparent to me when I compare my situation with my sister's. Her fiance comes from a very "nice" family. They all seem "there" and put together. Super high achievers and very athletic and healthy. Everyone has long lives and good health.

Stark contrast to my husband's family. I really wish I had thought of it beforehand.

+1

Especially if you married the only high achiever in the family. High achievers can inherit multiples mental illnesss just as easily as anyone else, and they do - and it is NO fun. Look closely, and tell your children to do the same.