Does anyone worry about "bad genes"?

[Anonymous]

Ie. if you are European Jewish it is directly asked
And if you are aA sickle cell is directly asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I weirdly worry about the gene-pool from my DH's side of the family. They tend to drink a lot and are very dysfunctional with some diagnosed mental issues. Its all a hot toxic mess.

I worry procreating with him would mean risking my children inheriting genetic factors.

Is this a thing?

Yes, it is real. Those traits are heritable - they can be passed down genetically.

DH is an ashkenazi jew with all sorts of mental illnesses and developmental disabilities that run in his family. Our son is autistic and our daughter has a genetic disorder that pretty much only ashkenazis get.

In my case, I didn’t know his family history until after we got married because they all kept quiet about it. From time to time, I am angry about that.

This is covered in premarital counseling and by one’s OBGYN.

Premarital counseling? You write that as if it’s routine. The screening that is routine is pregnancy screening and that hits only a handful of common conditions unless one of the parents discloses a family history that suggests more is needed.

Ashkenazi genetic disorders and sickle cell anemia risks are commonly discussed very early on.

And many churches and temples have free oremartical counseling before the priest or rabbi does a ceremony. Weekend retreats are often included as well.

PP here. I am sorry, but this debate you are trying to have is too stupid for me. If you really think merely mentioning you are Ashkenazi, without more, means any source of genetic counseling will screen for every genetic illness known among Ashkenazis then you can continue believing that.

[Anonymous]

I am extremely nearsighted, not athletic at all with poor balance, have crowded teeth prone to cavities, and flat feet.

However, I'm also pretty bright, very emotionally stable/even-keeled, and have interesting facial features (not beautiful, but I like the way I look overall).

Sometimes genes are a mixed bag. I guess my very athletic, not very near-sighted spouse wasn't too turned off since we're married with one kid--who, thus far, seems to be a good mix of each of our best traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I weirdly worry about the gene-pool from my DH's side of the family. They tend to drink a lot and are very dysfunctional with some diagnosed mental issues. Its all a hot toxic mess.

I worry procreating with him would mean risking my children inheriting genetic factors.

Is this a thing?

Yes, it is real. Those traits are heritable - they can be passed down genetically.

DH is an ashkenazi jew with all sorts of mental illnesses and developmental disabilities that run in his family. Our son is autistic and our daughter has a genetic disorder that pretty much only ashkenazis get.

In my case, I didn’t know his family history until after we got married because they all kept quiet about it. From time to time, I am angry about that.

This is covered in premarital counseling and by one’s OBGYN.

Premarital counseling? You write that as if it’s routine. The screening that is routine is pregnancy screening and that hits only a handful of common conditions unless one of the parents discloses a family history that suggests more is needed.

Ashkenazi genetic disorders and sickle cell anemia risks are commonly discussed very early on.

And many churches and temples have free oremartical counseling before the priest or rabbi does a ceremony. Weekend retreats are often included as well.

PP here. I am sorry, but this debate you are trying to have is too stupid for me. If you really think merely mentioning you are Ashkenazi, without more, means any source of genetic counseling will screen for every genetic illness known among Ashkenazis then you can continue believing that.

Mazels!

[Anonymous]

They test for 84 diseases. It’s not like they just test a few.

And PP- I was the first in my family to find out I was a carrier and I only found out bc of the genetic testing.

[Anonymous]

I think all families have some sort of disorder that they pass on. If we ruled out procreating based on propensities to having a disorder, most of the population wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Post-Children, DH found out his family has genetic ALS. We don't know whether he has it, but are considering testing. ALS is a horrendous way to die, we have watched several of his family members deal with it. And the genetic form is faster than usual, most likely showing up sometime between 55 and 62.

I think I would have still married DH and had kids with him. It isn't the same as a terrible disease that kills you in your teens or twenties. BUT, now that we know, our children will be able to decide whether to use IVF, and make sure their kids don't have the gene.

I do wonder what I would have done had we known before. The ethical questions I would have faced. And I wonder what advice I will offer my children, when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

How many men noped their way out of you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all families have some sort of disorder that they pass on. If we ruled out procreating based on propensities to having a disorder, most of the population wouldn't.

+1 This is what I think. Are there really families, including aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, will no real issues to worry about?

[Anonymous]

For some reason I only worry about ADHD which I think my ex has (undiagnosed). I don’t have the bandwidth to worry about other stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

I know you'll get flamed for this, but I think it's very prudent. Finding a suitable spouse cannot be just an emotional process--"love is all you need!"--logic has its place in the process too. Finding a mate and having children are two most important decisions in one's life and should not be entered into blindly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

How many men noped their way out of you?

I wouldn't know. Perhaps they will answer this post? I've never been dumped, but if I had and they just did the same thing I did- made the choices that they felt would work best for them, then what would be the problem? To be clear, I didn't 'list the potential issues' with them, we just 'didn't work out/weren't that into each other/moved on/kept dating'.

I'm sorry if someone hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

I know you'll get flamed for this, but I think it's very prudent. Finding a suitable spouse cannot be just an emotional process--"love is all you need!"--logic has its place in the process too. Finding a mate and having children are two most important decisions in one's life and should not be entered into blindly.

No one is saying that “love is all you need. It’s easy to scrutinize others’ families for genetic defects while claiming, as PP effectively did, that no such issues exist in her own family. That’s unlikely.

I have more respect for posters who are honest about the role of their own genes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was a priority for me when choosing a mate. "But I love him" was just not in my family's vocabulary in terms of using 'love' to overlook actual problems/issues.

I'm an RN and patients all say I'm so loving and accepting, a supportive cheerleader of all things. This is true at work- it's literally my job. But not in my spare time.

I did not want to have/create a family of patients to care for so I chose a mate with family members who are attractive, healthy (BMI, physically active, no addiction), lifelong learners (good memory/cognition), problem solvers with good hustle (ie not complainers- if there is a problem, they fix it), no learning disorders (ADD/ADHD etc) and with no mental health/social issues. I was lucky to have a healthy family and I picked the family that 'felt' like mine. DH said the same thing. Different races/nationalities/religions but those things weren't issues for us.

Met/dated some great guys, watched their behaviour, met their families and noped my way out of those relationships. Wish them well but they deserved women who would accept the issues and I knew I wouldn't.

How many men noped their way out of you?

My guess is several