Divorce over chores and WOHM

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP here: Regarding question about what other room(s) are not being used. My response is long winded but the clutter and chaos can be pretty bad.

Can park in only one space out of two in garage. The former nursery room is a staging room for next DIY bathroom renovation (finished one year before). Living room has mirrors and paintings leaning in corner with boxes of outgrown baby toys (but I cleaned out this corner on Monday but added two glass-door cabinets for books; DH prefers empty corner). Half of guest room used for toy storage and kids’ clothes. Horizontal surfaces have clutter. The dining room table usually has stacks of paper, work notes, items to return to store, bags of googly eyes and sequins for puppetmaking, etc. I leave the “inert” clutter until the next party or big seasonal cleanup. The house is clean and decorated when we have big parties, but it’s cluttered during the rest of the time. Toys underfoot in master bedroom and den. Clean laundry sits on sofa during the week until I fold it. Hallways are clear of stuff and clutter, which allows robot vac to sweep. Bathrooms are clean but lots of bath toys surrounding kids’ tub. It’s definitely the volume and clutter. Basement is a mini Costco with floor-to-ceiling stuff: paper towels, boxes of diapers, extra hiking boots, place settings and serving sets, and toothpaste; boxes from move not yet unpacked; and next year’s Christmas presents (yes, already).

I thought this was mostly normal messiness (esp. laundry on sofa) for a family with two WOH spouses, little kids, and no cleaning service—but it sounds like many families do better on a daily basis. People in our circle with neater houses have no (young) kids, a SAHM/D, neatnik spouse (WOHM/D) who cleans everything, and/or cleaning service.

Was open about clutter and habits during dating but the means and volume have increased. I am using elfa, shelving and other storage solutions (color-coded bins for holiday decor in the basement) but DH minds the clutter (e.g., two Christmas trees). I love a wall of books from floor to ceiling, but he just sees clutter and visual noise. He likes a mostly empty space...imagine one book or item on each bookshelf.


[/quote]

OP, this is not normal messiness. This is unhealthy hording/disorganization. You need to get rid of all that crap. Not sure what your complaint is about your husband? How is he supposed to do chores if you have the entire house filled with crap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I doubt OP is a hoarder if her house can be cleaned up to host Christmas parties.. You need a lot of clean surface to make gingerbread houses.

Yeah but under normal circumstances what would still be lingering from the gingerbread house making clean up?

I think people misunderstood that comment. The way I read it, the OP was saying she cleaned up her house for the xmas party and the house was still somewhat de-cluttered as a result of that not being too long ago. She was saying it's not so bad now but admits soon it will go back to how it usually gets.

[Anonymous]

I feel so bad for your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you being fixated on the clean laundry needing a place to go (the couch, the foot of the bed) that isn't in the closet or a dresser is very indicative of your entire problem with maintaining a clean house. Yes, daily chores suck, but laundry isn't actually done until it's folded and put away. Just washing it does not mean you've done the laundry. Do the job completely, and you are making less work for yourself because you don't have to deal with the laundry sitting in piles reminding you of more annoying chores all week.

[Anonymous]

I'm a huge procrastinator when it comes to daily tidiness and it can quickly lead to a messy home. For example, I can easily walk by an empty beverage can on the counter and say to myself, oh I will put that in the recycling later. And keep doing that until there are 10 empty cans on the counter and I actually have to stop and take time to deal with it.

Then I read something that really helped me to re-wire my brain. Basically anything I notice that needs to be done and I want to put off, I have to ask myself if it can be done in less than a minute. If the answer is yes, I just have to do it. I just put that single plate in the dishwasher instead of thinking about doing it 5 times a day until there is a sink-full of dishes to worry about. I just put the shoes in the closet instead of continuously walking by them until there are 10 pairs of shoes at the foot of the stairs.

It has really helped me keep things in check and actually need less of those big chunks of time to tidy everything. But it doesn't come naturally to me and I have to work at it.

[Anonymous]

Did I miss OP explaining what daily chores and child care her DH currently does?

[Anonymous]

What you describe is not normal for a 2 woh house. It doesn't have to be pristine but it doesn't have to be Costco either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deal with it by having a set routine that I plan in advance. For example, I surface clean the bathroom on Wednesday nights because that is when the kids take their bath. Then all the bath towels go in the washer that night. I always start laundry on Friday nights so that I can fold Saturday AM. A routine makes things much easier because you don't have to think about it. I also make getting rid of stuff a high priority.

You might like the website FlyLady. It is for scattered home executives.

OP here: I did like it but it never stuck. I was just thinking I should look into it again. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I mean this nicely. You need help for a mental health issue.

+1. And you need a professional declutterer. And stop buying shit. If you want out of the hole, first you have to put down the shovel.

+1 from OP for first PP

+1/2 for the second PP — You made me laugh out loud at work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you being fixated on the clean laundry needing a place to go (the couch, the foot of the bed) that isn't in the closet or a dresser is very indicative of your entire problem with maintaining a clean house. Yes, daily chores suck, but laundry isn't actually done until it's folded and put away. Just washing it does not mean you've done the laundry. Do the job completely, and you are making less work for yourself because you don't have to deal with the laundry sitting in piles reminding you of more annoying chores all week.

I think the question is can her DH do the laundry? Even if he can’t handle the rest of the clutter, surely laundry is a discrete task he could take on - if he’s not willing to do that, or some of the household chores, that’s a problem. Sounds like OP has some hoarding tendencies, but he may have issues too. I’m sort of a neat freak, but with two kids, two jobs, it’s just not perfect all the time. I grew up in an exceedingly neat house - my mom can’t relax if even one thing is out of place or there’s a knife in the sink, and I don’t want to be like that either. Life’s too short.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP here whose mom was a hoarder and fights hoarding tendencies. Piles of clean laundry are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s unacceptable for my sanity so I simply set a hard and fast rule: clean laundry does not leave the basement (does not leave the dryer) until it is folded. Ever. Period. I gold down in the basement as I take each piece out. It is the one tangible, huge way that I am not my mother. I will NOT ever have unfolded laundry in the couch, the dining room table, or piled on beds or dressers.


It is NOT normal to have piles of laundry all over. Your house doesn’t have to be House Beautiful. But you are hurting your kids. You are attenuating them to chaos. You are depriving them of peace.

Your DH is part of the problem no question. If he doesn’t want baskets of laundry in the bedroom, then he should get his ass to the laundry room and start folding.

Personally, folding is now my refuge. I put on my earbuds and an audiobook and it’s my time.

You gotta lay off ALL of the projects, OP. Stop crafting. Stop renovating. If your couch isn’t even available for sitting, that’s gotta be your top priority.

[Anonymous]

Get off the internet. Talk that sh*t out. Find a mediator or therapist that will help you both with problem solving and communication skills.

Have tough skin. Don’t be fickle. Relationship are hard work. Moving relationships won’t change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I deal with it by having a set routine that I plan in advance. For example, I surface clean the bathroom on Wednesday nights because that is when the kids take their bath. Then all the bath towels go in the washer that night. I always start laundry on Friday nights so that I can fold Saturday AM. A routine makes things much easier because you don't have to think about it. I also make getting rid of stuff a high priority.

You might like the website FlyLady. It is for scattered home executives.

OP here: I did like it but it never stuck. I was just thinking I should look into it again. Thanks.

Also look into organize365.com - owner Lisa has these 100-day "whole house" declutter and organize sessions with a set focus each week and a daily assignment - which you can do 3-4 days all at once on a weekend day. She is very realistic that it takes 3 rounds of 100-day sessions to really purge the stuff and finally get around to organizing what's left. After doing this for the past 18 months (though not in complete 100-day increments) the clutter I was left with was organizing bins! Now when I take stuff to Goodwill/A Wider Circle/St Albans Opportunity Shop, I take it in one of the gazillion organizer boxes that I thought would "help" me get organized. Next I will be tackling all my organizing books

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married to a neat freak. We have house cleaners, nanny and cook who all clean and DH is still complaining about clutter and toys. We have a four car garage where one bay is used for storage and it bothers DH immensely. We have 3 kids and he wants no toys on the main level. He is constantly barking at kids to clean up.

My DH would divorce you over messiness.

Just get cleaners and stop buying shit in advance. Why would you have bought next years gifts already? Seems like an easy solution.

DP
I’d divorce your DH for being such an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for your kids.

Me too. I grew up like this and hated it. I have almost a visceral response to clutter now. I get I trouble with DH for donating stuff he still wanted (but to be fair never used.)