Divorce over chores and WOHM

[Anonymous]

is it worth it to stay married if the expectations for cleaning the house falls on the wife, who works outside the home 100%? Let's just say WOHM has clutter issues (2 kids (one under 2, lots of toys, tons of clothes) also a hoarder level 1 (can't use room for intended purpose, storing boxes in garage and basement), and DH considers himself a neat nick.

DH said I demonstrate that I don't care about his feelings whenever I go out to visit family instead of taking care of the house. DH considers hiring ng help to be amoral and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Hiring help is amoral and lazy but he does none of it? Did he used to do chores, but stopped once the hoarding was impossible to keep up with?

[Anonymous]

I think that your title is misleading. If you are a hoarder, you should really need therapy to address it. I wouldn’t want to live with a hoarder. To address your subject title, I’m not sure that I would jump to divorce but I would not be okay with taking on 100% of the household duties if I also WOH.

[Anonymous]

I'd divorce anyone who was a hoarder. I have two small children and we don't have tons of crap everywhere. Having small children and working are not excuses for having a pigsty of a home.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce a man who thinks s woman is 100% in charge of chores.

[Anonymous]

Never would have married a hoarder, but if you disguised it during dating and "let it loose" after marriage and kids, yes, I'd consider divorce. Hoarding is disgusting, oppressive, embarassing (THINK OF YOUR KIDS), and it is no way to live.

That being said, if he won't sit down with you and outline what needs to be done and who needs to do it, and do his fair share, then that's hugely problematic as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd divorce anyone who was a hoarder. I have two small children and we don't have tons of crap everywhere. Having small children and working are not excuses for having a pigsty of a home.

+1. My husband and I both WOH and our house is under control. It's not perfect, but it's under control.

[Anonymous]

Use YOUR money from YOUR job to pay cleaners etc. Cheaper than a divorce.

[Anonymous]

1) get help for the hoarding.
2) get help cleaning the house. If it isn't DH, it has to be paid help. IF DH doesn't like it ... he can decide if it is divorce worth as well. But if he won't do it, and he won't pay for it, and he won't appreciate a hoarders help there is nothing left to do but divorce.

[Anonymous]

Get into couples counseling. This is about way more than what you are framing it as:
“Work all day and spend my free time with extended family and sure, I’m a bit of a pack rat but the kids are young and I am busy!”
“She says she is too busy to get the hoarding under control but she makes plenty of time for social visits with her family. Why doesn’t she care about our family and the stress we all feel in a house that is too cluttered to function?”

[Anonymous]

A genuine hoarder? My sister is a borderline hoarder and I'd never live with her. I can barely handle visiting her for a weekend.

If you can emotionally handle throwing out/donating items, but just can't find the time or have a problem going through everything, then I think hiring an organizer to help is preferable to a divorce, no matter how amoral and lazy your husband thinks that is.

[Anonymous]

1) Eeven hoarders deserve to get out of the house and have joy

2) Hiw many hours per day do you spend trying to fix the mess? How many hours per weekend? What is reasonable? Set a reasonable goal. Tell your husband, “I will work on the house for X hours on Saturdays. But on Sundays, j get time to relax.”

3) Have you gotten treatment for the hoarding?

4) what does your DH do for the family other than WOG?

5) Can you spend money to work with a hoarding helper to begin to clear the ness?

My mother was a hoarder and lie was hell. I struggle with hoarding tendencies but mostly keep the house presentable, with junk in drawers. But I could not cope without a housekeeper every two weeks. It’s a huge part of our budget but necessary for the wellness of the family. I am not lazy but I am not good at housekeeping and there is only so much I can focus on. Keeping clutter down is as good as I can do. We outsource a deep cleaning twice a month.

You essentially have a disability around housekeeping. It’s not laziness. It’s your brain. Your husband is an asshole to turn it into a character issue. Instead, his poor character is showing. He’s inflexible, stubborn, unhelpful, insensitive, unloving, and controlling.

Your kids deserve a clean house. You need to work in it. You deserve help. And you should probably DtMFA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get into couples counseling. This is about way more than what you are framing it as:
“Work all day and spend my free time with extended family and sure, I’m a bit of a pack rat but the kids are young and I am busy!”
“She says she is too busy to get the hoarding under control but she makes plenty of time for social visits with her family. Why doesn’t she care about our family and the stress we all feel in a house that is too cluttered to function?”

+1 OP tthis is exactly the problem. Now what's the solution?

Please note, house is not filthy goat trail but is cluttered. No animals, no food lying around etc. I do all the cooking

[Anonymous]

Are you a hoarder? Or have not had the time to get rid of items so they go in a bin until you get around to it?

Hoarder - you need mental health support. If it is that you have not clean-up and gotten rid of items - you need help (time and hands) to make this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) get help for the hoarding.
2) get help cleaning the house. If it isn't DH, it has to be paid help. IF DH doesn't like it ... he can decide if it is divorce worth as well. But if he won't do it, and he won't pay for it, and he won't appreciate a hoarders help there is nothing left to do but divorce.

+1