Divorce over chores and WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this comes from someone who is disorganized, forgetting, comes from a mild hoarder household, etc. I have changed in my 12 years of marriage to be much more neat and clean, like my husband and his family. I changed because I wanted to change. ...

What motivates me: People always remark on our beautiful home. We have great art and nice style and decor, though not minimalist. I tidy up my kids room every am, make the beds, put things away. When they come home, it is neat and serene, a fun place to be.

But I don’t try to do it all. I’m not a great cook. I don’t do crafts. I love being around people but avoid entertaining. I do like hosting play dates and keeping my home presentable enough for people to stop by.

OP here: Thanks, it good to hear about long-term outcomes.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Update - DH moved out and we were separated for 6 months. We have since reconciled and have been back together for almost a year. We keep a whiteboard with chores, and his list is as long as mine. He picks up occasionally now and I’ve agreed that all toys gets tossed in the kiddos’ toy bibs at the end of the night. Technically, I guess it’s a success. We still live each other and want to stay together.

Response to earlier post: Yes, spouses do seem to want a WOHM with 6 figures, chef-level cooking, maid, and laundress. I want that too! I am a terrible maid but I am a great cook (dad ran a restaurant, and I worked there) and bring home the bacon (actually easier in this area than OH, where DH lived). I treat, run, and fold laundry loads and bring them to the room by clothes owner but I can’t seem to put it away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Update - DH moved out and we were separated for 6 months. We have since reconciled and have been back together for almost a year. We keep a whiteboard with chores, and his list is as long as mine. He picks up occasionally now and I’ve agreed that all toys gets tossed in the kiddos’ toy bibs at the end of the night. Technically, I guess it’s a success. We still live each other and want to stay together.

Response to earlier post: Yes, spouses do seem to want a WOHM with 6 figures, chef-level cooking, maid, and laundress. I want that too! I am a terrible maid but I am a great cook (dad ran a restaurant, and I worked there) and bring home the bacon (actually easier in this area than OH, where DH lived). I treat, run, and fold laundry loads and bring them to the room by clothes owner but I can’t seem to put it away.

Bumping this thread because I wonder how things are during the pandemic. My marriage has so many similarities now with added pressure of juggling working at home and childcare simultaneously. I'm seriously thinking of divorce but it's also a time to come our wagons. I can hang on until the end of the year maybe. DH did give me credit for being a hoarder when to and disinfectant wipes were out everywhere. For the PPs too -- how's it going now?

[Anonymous]

Divorce over whores not chores. The former is a huge deal, latter not so much. The latter will be less of an issue when kids leave.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I wish I saw the latest posts sooner. Actually we got along much better during the pandemic. Like a recent poster, I was able to help everyone around with toilet paper, paper towels, sanitizer, etc. Right before the pandemic, there was a $50 rebate if you spent $200 bucks on a certain brand’s products, and I stocked up on a vast amount of TP, soap, wipes, hand sanitizer, Lysol, and paper towel (I just lucked out but these are things that would “hold” for a long time).

It was hectic during COVID. I think many moms has to take the brunt of the cooking, food and stuff sourcing, and kids’ schooling. The house got pretty bad, and is actually worse than before we separated. He seems more understanding now and doesn’t seem to get angry about. He does periodically gather the stuff that’s on the floor into large recycling bags and puts them in the garage. I end up sorting through them to glean out stuff like toys we want to keep. I’d would get mad that he’s not actually cleaning up but I’m giving him grace because nobody’s perfect and that how he is coping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd divorce anyone who was a hoarder. I have two small children and we don't have tons of crap everywhere. Having small children and working are not excuses for having a pigsty of a home.

Gotta love these sanctimonious control freaks.
Hey, newsflash... living with someone who's type A with undiagnosed anxiety is MUCH worse than a little clutter.

Get your anxiety in check and stop insulting others in an attempt to make yourself feel better... it's ugly.

[Anonymous]

Get the book “This is How Your Marriage Ends.”

[Anonymous]

Uneven reviews: https://www.thecrimson.com/article/2022/3/22/this-is-how-your-marriage-ends-review-matthew-fray/

What was good about the book? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use YOUR money from YOUR job to pay cleaners etc. Cheaper than a divorce.

OP does not have HER money from HER job. She has THEIR money from HER's and HIS job. It a community property. If she takes money without agreement then she is stealing.

[Anonymous]

OP here: In response to the COVID comment, yes, things were different. I stopped buying stuff except food and cleaning supplies. We saved a ton of money. I think that not buying stuff really helped. I saved almost a year’s worth of salary in about 2.5 years’ time. I put it in stocks but I’m so bad at picking them that half the money is gone—but it’s not clutter. 😃
I started buying again recently (having depleted my Christmas storehouse). I just re-read all the postings to try and inoculate me against too much buying, which I think has already happened. I am appreciative of those who advised reading the childrenofhoarders.com site. I also felt the kindness of those who gave advice. It’s been good to look at it again. Thank you again to those who took time to share their insights and experiences.

P.S. I am super curious if the previous poster did get divorced or stuck it out. It’s been a while, but maybe the PP checks once in a while too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: In response to the COVID comment, yes, things were different. I stopped buying stuff except food and cleaning supplies. We saved a ton of money. I think that not buying stuff really helped. I saved almost a year’s worth of salary in about 2.5 years’ time. I put it in stocks but I’m so bad at picking them that half the money is gone—but it’s not clutter. 😃
I started buying again recently (having depleted my Christmas storehouse). I just re-read all the postings to try and inoculate me against too much buying, which I think has already happened. I am appreciative of those who advised reading the childrenofhoarders.com site. I also felt the kindness of those who gave advice. It’s been good to look at it again. Thank you again to those who took time to share their insights and experiences.

P.S. I am super curious if the previous poster did get divorced or stuck it out. It’s been a while, but maybe the PP checks once in a while too.

NP here. I can relate to a lot in this thread. DH and I come from families with hoarding. Not horrific piles of trash hoarding worthy of a reality TV show but bad enough to feel like you’ve lost control of your surroundings and the spouse who is more of a minimalist starts getting agitated, yelling a lot and considering separation. My father came from a house where the walls were lined with boxes. My mother was from the opposite- neat, orderly upbringing. We’ll, now I’m starting to find myself sounding like her because DH is turning our house into a Uhaul storage room. We work on clearing space and voila he orders more stuff and rather than find a logical home for it it sits in the living room. I thought Covid would help but in our case it didn’t. I don’t know what to do. We’re looking to move and I’m hoping that will be a fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never would have married a hoarder, but if you disguised it during dating and "let it loose" after marriage and kids, yes, I'd consider divorce. Hoarding is disgusting, oppressive, embarassing (THINK OF YOUR KIDS), and it is no way to live.

That being said, if he won't sit down with you and outline what needs to be done and who needs to do it, and do his fair share, then that's hugely problematic as well.

Sometimes hoarding comes up later in life or
after a stressful life event or something. She may not have necessarily been hiding it.

[Anonymous]

My ex was a hoarder. He didn't think he was. That's the core of the issue - one can't get help unless one admits there is a problem and WANTS help.

OP's DH is not responsible for de-cluttering while OP is still in denial. Whatever chores he does to organize the house will simply be undone by OP. It's a sisyphusian task to put on him.

I'm reading OP's responses here and she is defensive and definitely in denial.

[Anonymous]

Just popping in to say I’m glad I read this thread. I’m not a hoarder or prone to buying lots of stuff but I am bad at making the kids donate toys they aren’t using anymore and dealing with all the art work and school papers. Trying to do better….

I still think if someone is upset about laundry that hasn’t been put away, they should put it away instead of complaining. But glad OP is doing ok!

[Anonymous]

WaPo article on mom who spilled breast milk while pumping “on the go” and cleaning the housing during breaks in her (at home) workday

https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2022/12/13/carolyn-hax-multitask-husband-does-nothing/