Divorce over chores and WOHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[OP: You’re very right that the littlest one is not going to remember, so I am doing it more for me. I want to nurture a close relationship between the kids, the cousins and grandparents. Is it considered frantic socializing in DC to see family and friends once a week on Sat and Sun (any given individual is visited only once a month or so, except one cousin for play dates)? DH is an introvert and would always prefer to see no one but us (immediate family = kids and me). In States south of DC, you just spend your time with family. Honest question—I’m not being obnoxious.

From what I’ve observed, Sunday dinner at the parents house with siblings and kids plus birthdays, holidays and vacation together is someone that sees their family a decent amount here. Then there are grandparents that help out, so you see them at carpoool pickup and they also come to school play, sports, etc. I would say those people are close to their family. There is isubtext around time, money, health of parents, no one sibling feeling like it all falls on them or that conversely no one ever comes to them, that the spouse of the person near the parents still feeels like the primary unit etc that people have to figure out/make work.

[Anonymous]

1. Pay someone to come in to help you get it together, STAT.
2. If your DH still complains, he's only using the mess to pick a fight.
3. He may be cheating on you. Men usually pick fights with the wife when they are cheating. Makes them feel less guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[OP: You’re very right that the littlest one is not going to remember, so I am doing it more for me. I want to nurture a close relationship between the kids, the cousins and grandparents. Is it considered frantic socializing in DC to see family and friends once a week on Sat and Sun (any given individual is visited only once a month or so, except one cousin for play dates)? DH is an introvert and would always prefer to see no one but us (immediate family = kids and me). In States south of DC, you just spend your time with family. Honest question—I’m not being obnoxious.

From what I’ve observed, Sunday dinner at the parents house with siblings and kids plus birthdays, holidays and vacation together is someone that sees their family a decent amount here. Then there are grandparents that help out, so you see them at carpoool pickup and they also come to school play, sports, etc. I would say those people are close to their family. There is isubtext around time, money, health of parents, no one sibling feeling like it all falls on them or that conversely no one ever comes to them, that the spouse of the person near the parents still feeels like the primary unit etc that people have to figure out/make work.

I like to see family even less frequently. It's about the health of your family not everyone in your extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[OP: You’re very right that the littlest one is not going to remember, so I am doing it more for me. I want to nurture a close relationship between the kids, the cousins and grandparents. Is it considered frantic socializing in DC to see family and friends once a week on Sat and Sun (any given individual is visited only once a month or so, except one cousin for play dates)? DH is an introvert and would always prefer to see no one but us (immediate family = kids and me). In States south of DC, you just spend your time with family. Honest question—I’m not being obnoxious.

From what I’ve observed, Sunday dinner at the parents house with siblings and kids plus birthdays, holidays and vacation together is someone that sees their family a decent amount here. Then there are grandparents that help out, so you see them at carpoool pickup and they also come to school play, sports, etc. I would say those people are close to their family. There is isubtext around time, money, health of parents, no one sibling feeling like it all falls on them or that conversely no one ever comes to them, that the spouse of the person near the parents still feeels like the primary unit etc that people have to figure out/make work.

I like to see family even less frequently. It's about the health of your family not everyone in your extended family.

I was just posting to OP about what it looks like to see family a lot around here. Usually it’s NOT about hosting every weekend and having folks on Saturday and Sunday. People are busy with their plans with the kids (soccer, ice hockey, swimming etc,) plus getting downtime to relax, plus run errands/get house stuff done, and find time to spend time with spouse on the weekend. So something like Sunday dinner, that’s on a schedule, and doesn’t require you to have everybody over your house but going over to yours parents (this gives you like 80% of the weekend to do other things) or integrating your parents into the the things you are already doing with the kids (like going to your kids soccer game) are ways to spend time without necessarily doing so at the expense of the relationship with your spouse or at the expense of keeping up with what you need to do at home.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I’m shocked no one has asked why the husband didn’t declutter/clean/cook while unemployed. The house should have been immaculate during this time. Seems like OP has a DH problem as well—the idea that paying for cleaning is amoral is laughable in 2019.

[Anonymous]

my dear wife is a full time mom and yet I often do a bunch of the cleaning. Cause I'm pretty detail oriented, its decent exercise, and especially in winter....its something to do!

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read the 10 pages of responses so I'm just addressing your initial post.

Is it "worth it" to stay married? Well, you made a lifetime commitment, had children together, so um...yes.

Compromise. Surely you two have learned to do this by now. It sounds like you don't clean, leave lots of clutter, etc., and this drives DH nuts, but he doesn't do anything to fix it either.

You - do a better job of cleaning up after yourself, the kids, and declutter. DH - needs to pull his 50% weight at home, which includes cleaning, since you WOH.

The family thing is bizarre, but I suspect he's just using it as a tool or example of his frustration.

I've had a maid/housekeeper come once every other week since the kids were born. This is not a big deal, especially in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my dear wife is a full time mom and yet I often do a bunch of the cleaning. Cause I'm pretty detail oriented, its decent exercise, and especially in winter....its something to do!

+1

I’m going to guess you don’t yell at her because some kids’ stuff is on the floor. Good on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I’m shocked no one has asked why the husband didn’t declutter/clean/cook while unemployed. The house should have been immaculate during this time. Seems like OP has a DH problem as well—the idea that paying for cleaning is amoral is laughable in 2019.

Because double standard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I’m shocked no one has asked why the husband didn’t declutter/clean/cook while unemployed. The house should have been immaculate during this time. Seems like OP has a DH problem as well—the idea that paying for cleaning is amoral is laughable in 2019.

Because double standard

For me it’s because if she actually has hoarding/clutter issues, she wouldn’t want her DH to throw out the stuff and it wouldn’t solve the underlying problem if she goes out and buys stuff to replace what’s been thrown out/falls back on her ways. I say this as someone that struggles and has a mom that is a low level hoarder. It also sounds like DH was doing major home improvement projects during that time as well. Cook, do laundry, clean bathrooms - yes he could have done those things. Clear out rooms not being used for the intended purpose that have her stuff or things she wants to keep without her there - I could see him not taking that on.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks, PP, for sharing the clutter bug link. Very helpful approach.

[Anonymous]

https://mobile.twitter.com/sadydoyle/status/1080292727907119104

Retweet @Sady Doyle

I've watched the first episode of the Marie Kondo show -- the one where the guy angrily demands that his part-time working wife, who raises their two toddlers alone, do more laundry -- and clearly, KonMari doesn't work, because by the end of the episode he's still there
9:40 PM · Jan 1, 2019

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I’m shocked no one has asked why the husband didn’t declutter/clean/cook while unemployed. The house should have been immaculate during this time. Seems like OP has a DH problem as well—the idea that paying for cleaning is amoral is laughable in 2019.

Because double standard

The great tour audit by real simple magazine

https://www.realsimple.com/choreworksheet

[Anonymous]

The problem here is our modern men want a June Cleaver bringing at least six figures, while they do nothing......

[Anonymous]

Op, this comes from someone who is disorganized, forgetting, comes from a mild hoarder household, etc. I have changed in my 12 years of marriage to be much more neat and clean, like my husband and his family. I changed because I wanted to change. Growing up, I wanted to have a house like my friends houses. My mom worked full time too, and as people who emighere from a poor country, they never wanted to waste things, so old yogurt containers, broken furniture, etc were just kept and kept. They had nice big houses, so it never looked at all like hoarders in tv. Just cluttered. I also never had many toys. My parents didn’t prioritize that, and as a parent of two kids, I agree that kids need few toys.once they outgrow them, you should donate. I’m still not organized but I enjoy cleaning up, which to me means throwing out stuff, donating frequently and decorating. I don’t share the odd fixation of clear counters, as long as things are in neat piles, etc, and have no better place to go. I inherited a lot of tchotchkes and some are sentimental and or religious items that are hard to get rid of, so that is a work in progress. I think for my parents, Costco enabled more clutter. For me, itsikea (I love cute, designs things and paper products,like stationary.)

What motivates me: People always remark on our beautiful home. We have great art and nice style and decor, though not minimalist. I tidy up my kids room every am, make the beds, put things away. When they come home, it is neat and serene, a fun place to be.

But I don’t try to do it all. I’m not a great cook. I don’t do crafts. I love being around people but avoid entertaining. I do like hosting play dates and keeping my home presentable enough for people to stop by.